Doll

After another successful quarter of school I have less reflection and more postive feelings about everything thatI'm into right now. A's in my second half, B's in the first. Going camping this upcoming week with Sean and Elze. It should be amazing; Badger has this place picked out that we're going to meet him. It's supposed to be a Shawnee reservation place with caves and a lot of cool stufff to explore.

Some current things about me: my family is staying interesting as always. Corina is still waittressing at Sylvester's, Travis is working at the nursing home. Janee's hours are longer now at the vinyard and John got a domestic violence charge for hitting Michelle in the face. CPS has been called and now they're going to counseling. Dad's not too much in favor of John's significant other...but the whole situation is beyond my control and nothing that I can tie myself up in. Alison saw that it was best to get out of Canton and away from my brother. So far this decision to go away for college has done really good things for me.

I got an email from my mountain woman. I miss her in a sweet way. There is no chance of anything else going on...and it's better this way. I feel like our time together did me well; I hope she got the same out of it. There is a sense of reticent anxiety in her tone, but there needn't be. The attachment that was once in my nature has left.

Dad and I reminisced on the way home about all the girls that I've been with. An overwhelming majority of them have been crazy. As a scientist I would have to say that they are deviating from the norm of social interactions...they do this by expecting or anticipating actions that have no correlation to anything in the past...their imaginations run wild and they expect or perform things that have no significant contribution to their well being.

I have only been with 4 women who weren't crazy. Far too many who are. From accusations that result in serious consequences to childish games that mean I'm burning a bridge...these are not the kind of people I want.

Nor can I really say that I tend toward the promiscuity charactaristic of our youth. I am not expecting the unrealistic hookup on a regular weekend basis. A nice partner would be the best.

I haven't thought about girls for a while. Pushed them aside mentally in their potential for partnership...until I saw a quarter book I couldn't pass up. It's from Fromm and it talks about love. It says that brotherly love is that of companionship between equals, motherly love is that of nurturing pity and condolance, but erotic love is one of wholeness and assimilation. It means that you enjoy another person that you want to take them in to yourself. This was my time with the appalacian girl. She drank in what I knew about love, science, philosophy, and my social scene. In return I got a sharp dose of independent thought, tenacious passion, and a renewed sense of casting off bullshit.

Our brief relationship drove me to seek the brotherly companionship of Badger...and our other hippie comrades. This opposite side has given me the confidence and direction that I lost when I was suspended from school.

I am a smart human. I have a short but muscular build with a bit of the signs of dionyssian pleasure hanging around my waist for brief periods of time (during which I take up fanatical running routines to get back to a flat stomach and healthy feeling). As far as our capacity to learn and create: I am at the helm. A rennaissance man, I feel that I can acquire any skill readily and use it aptly. It has taken me 1 week in the lab what it takes others 2 or 3.

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and I know where it is. My shortcomings are easily seen. Sometimes I can be short-tempered though I mean well. My interactions with other naked apes end quickly sometimes when I refuse to circumvent meaning for aesthetics. Most of all I have this underlying feeling of inadequacy that is instilled by the culture that I was raised in.

Here lies my latest revelation: a quote from the pope. I'll elaborate tomorrow.

Neighbors

One day when we were getting our carpets replaced by the landlord I encountered an interesting discussion amongst the workers. One with a shaved head said that he got his $2500 paycheck stolen in a stall of a nightclub by 2 black people. Then he went on about how "they're n*ggers, we should get rid of them."
For some reason this venom has taken up more of my mind and energy than I want it to.

Whenever I get wasted they'll be out on the stoop...4 guys and a girl or two. They all look about 40, even though they range from 18-37. Working out in the sun will do that to your skin. Swastika tattoos and shaved heads are the motif, and there have been a number of altercations that are audible from my house.

One night I heard a struggle going on from outside, and one of the guys ran down the stairs saying that one girl is beating the hell out of another. Sure enough, southern accents were screaming profanities in a scratchy female tone. We didn't know what the fight was about...but we saw a group of the neo-nazis crowded around this tall skinny woman and a fat short woman on the ground. The skinny one then proceeded to grab the fat one by the hair and repeatedly slam her head into the ground.

Kinder went to grab his phone. We were all in shock, at first I thought it was funny...like they were acting out a game similar to something Jeff, Josh, Steve, and I used to do. Then when I heard the crack of her head on the asphalt I knew that it wasn't a game.

One of the guys lazily stepped in and told her not to get too rough. By this time the fat one was on her feet and got a couple shots to the face of the other girl before getting slammed into the truck that was next to them. The skinny one took her shirt off.

I have seen fights. Usually it's two guys pushing each other and one punch before someone is worried about messing up their good looks. These people had no regard for killing each other though. By the time my friend dialed the police one girl had already sped off in a truck with one of the nazi boys on the side of the window holding on for life...trying to tell her to calm down. He let go and rolled, got up laughing, exclaimed: she's pissed!

At first it was a spectacle; they are always on the porch talking about nothing and asking us for beer. I knew by the conversation that they were hateful, racist, but I didn't know the extent of it until I went over there. One of my roommates agrees with their sentiments...and a few others have hints of the misunderstanding that causes so many people to hate those with darker skin. This past Thursday I got a better glimpse of it.

I'll backtrack a second. Yufan "Eric" Ling is the Asian in my fraternity. It was a mistake to go over there and try to get them to socialize. Eric had no idea what they were saying because of their thick drawl and they didn't understand his accent either. So, I tripped over a chain and smacked my head on the concrete and went stumbling on my way.

This Thursday though...words were had. I drank a 6 pack of tall genessee and a couple natties before heading to the bars. I wasn't feeling it because there weren't many people there. On my way home I hear the blonde one exclaim "P Murda!" So I go over and chat. One offers me a cigarette, which I accept. In retrospect I'm glad that Brad didn't tell them my real name and I'm almost certain that they don't know it.

After talking a little while about the weather and how drunk we're getting we get on the subject of religion. "I believe what I can see. I can see hitler but I ain't never seen god." He tells me. I've argued philosophy successfully while drunk before so I tried explaining a syllogism to this 18 year old who never attended high school. I got about 1/10th the way into my argument before he went blank. I'm not saying that I was the most articulate speaker at the time, but I tried to communicate my inner dialogue regarding empiricism and rationality to him. The idea of platonic idealism and the dichotomy of that and material determinism is tough to understand. It took me years of receptive thinking to get the professor's words through my head. I was stupid to think that I could even start to explain why this man should consider logic in reasoning reality.

"So, you like what Hitler said?"
"I've read Mein Kampf, I believe we should kill all the n*ggers"
"Do you want to kill me?"
"You ain't a n*gger"
"There is no difference, it's just melonin and a cover of the same internal shit"
"Yeah it's fuckin' different because they're FUCKIN N*GGERS"
"Would you ever act on what you think?"
"With all my heart I want to"
This took me back a bit. Then he continued:
"I've been to prison for 6 months. I'd go back for a good cause."
"You think this is a good cause? Getting rid of th...why are they so bad anyways? What is there not to like?"
"They're different. That's my opinion. You can think what you want but I'm going to act on what I feel is right."

It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, go here alone while not fully sober and a little upset.

"I speak spanish, so I'm different. Do you want to stab me?"
"Not you, I like you. I don't like your roommates and I sure as hell don't like that gook you brought with you the other day. I'da killed him if got the chance"
"Have you ever killed someone because the way they look"
"My buddy sure has! I was 5, year was 1997 when he slit a n*gger's throught an' went to prison. Hey! Get out here and show him the knife!"
I'm thinking they're all talk, that this stuff never really happens, this is just what people joke about. Then the man with the giant swastika on his arm walks out with a hunting knife with a leather case comes out. He hands it to me.
"Would you stab me with this? Would you want to kill me?" I feel myself getting upset at the ridiculous stalwart hatred and ignorance of these people.
He has a darker voice with more experience behind it. "No I wouldn't. Your skin's the wrong color for that. Besides, we like you P Murda," he laughs and the others chime in "P Murda"

That nickname has no significance except the irony that I'm a very peaceful person, a scientist who wants to explore and understand. This was a night of exploration. As they passed around a can of four loko and mused about how all the spicks, wops, jews, n*ggers, chinks, and arabs are messing up our country.

After a while I was getting sarcastic. I started to drawl like them and cut words down, act like I didn't know any words above 8 letters or 3 syllables. Of all the people that I've unloaded scathing verbal criticism on...these people deserved it the most. I unbuttoned the case of the knife and the laughter rolled down. The experienced one said "best not open that...you'll never know where it might want to wander..."

I hate myself for not telling them all to go to hell. Or at least doing something. I told them that they were wrong but it didn't seem strong enough. Thinking back on everyone who has touched my life in a positive way with a different skin tone or racial background...Tiara, Lisa, Eric, Ariyatma, Preeti, Yu, Dr. Chen, Dr. Lee, Dr. Tanda, Mengxuan, Tj, Big Mark, De'Andre, Dan Z, Jessica, and the list goes on...these people have been phenomenal. I can't imagine someone refusing to listen to what Dr. Lee has to say because he's Korean, or wanting to kill Tj because he's from Jamaica, hating Lisa because she wears a hijab or refusing to hear Dan's lyricism because his parents are jewish. It makes me sick.

They said that they're going to move out. Friday. Nope. Sunday. Nope. Today? I still saw their white van with a bashed in window. I still hear stories ringing in my ear about how one of them chased a black man off our house who was trying to steal something. Never happened! I don't believe it!

I remember that story about being robbed by 2 black men. I told a roommate about it. They chuckled and said "he told me he went to a casino last weekend." Gambling problem?

The blonde was discourteous to Bethani, and is a general misogynist. He went up to her while we were on the porch. "CaI getta beer and a cig?" I hand him a honey brown and a camel light. He turns to Bethani: "you kinda cute. You got a boyfriend" She doesn't, but said yes. "you monogermous? Da mean do you sleep around?" She said she doesn't sleep around. "I guess I got nothin else to say" he scoffs and leaves. When a woman walks past him he says to her "my cuz said he gonna put it in your butt tonight!"

I asked this man what he does for a living. He said nothing at first. Then after a few drinks he asks if I want to buy any weed or crack. I would love for him to present it to me so that I can give the cops a real reason for putting these people where they belong. They have nothing to lose. That's what scares me the most. They're just there, waiting. Scowling at anyone who doesn't do what they want, or act like them.

This has been a little cloud on my perfect summer. I thought I would feel better after describing it. These are probably the people who stole my bike. They stole our peace of mind...and our lawn chairs.

The new lab is phenomenal. I spend about 2 hours a day working on dissecting fruit fly brains and reading scientific articles.

This weekend I'm going home for First Friday in Canton, and to meet up with friends. Jason got bit by our pig after he attempted surgery (castration) on one of her piglets. He's ok, but I probably should help around the house more than I have been this summer.

Stats and writing are easy. I have a 98% in stats and a 96% in writing with little or no effort. I'm glad to finally be done with organic chemistry; learning in a neutral lab environment is much more productive and interesting because things actually matter.