Monday, February 28, 2011

lose count

Last night I watched the Fountain and reconvened with what I think is important in my life.

I have been much better off since I started scooping out those angry feelings and trying to fill myself with gratitude.

I don't care if these declarations are cyclical...when I have a good moment or day where I am productive and happy, there's nothing that I will let take that from me.

I've been sleepy and a little off keel today. There was a good neuro article about hippocampal participation in associative memories that involve volition. I could find no fault in it. my learning is better when I participate in it somehow.

This house is so cold right now. I am not discontent with this fact. There is nothing that justifies me feeling 70 degrees of warmth when it's frigid outside.

This weekend when my sister was here I got a certain feeling. There is so much crumbling back home. There's so much injustice and unhappiness brought on by tragedy and

I put the fountain soundtrack on.

Last night when I watched that movie I reconstructed the plot and what it meant. Maybe contentment and complacency isn't the intended end?

More developments in my Spain app: I'm not giving up. Tomorrow I'm soliciting my old doctor again to pressure for my medical records. I have my health insurance card and

I was talking about Janee. She's such a sweet girl. We have so many tendencies that are similar. Such shit happens to people that you can't get out or down about it.

When people press their eyeballs under extreme stress or anxiety they're doing it for a physiological reason: the oculocardiac reflex. It seems to make no sense otherwise.

At the moment I am unphased by what's going on around me which I can't help. New York Times called frac'ing of marcellus shale "the California gold rush of our century." Paint thinner is one of the less dangerous chemicals I see when looking at the known compounds in the fluid which they inject to break up the rock.

Whenever this subject comes up Nora comes to mind. Her involvement in AmeriCorps is something that I'm curious about now that I'm in a position where this seems like a viable option.

Most people will not have read to this point. I am going to stop because this is no longer beneficial.

This morning I was awakened by a tornado alarm.

So many dull lights in the back of the mind. One day they will all come surging out like a backwashed sewer or a flash fire. They'll wash you over like a birth of light, as the Spanish phrase: "dar a luz" meaning "to give birth."

The transition of dark to light is the most difficult. Reversing is so easy. One gives information and attainment, the other has its comfort and passions.

Maybe, one of these days, an old glow will return to some corners of my beleaguered mind.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm in a strange state of confusion at this moment. Searching my mind for thoughts and I find some tangled mess of unconcerted anger.

It's beyond the point where a stream of consciousness would be helpful catharsis. It's just a state of confusion and strangeness. There's a feeling that I just want to get on a bus and go. Go somewhere that is different. Like I should fly somewhere to put in perspective everything I have.

Drop the world is playing right now. It's so unlike me.

I'm scratching for something different. I called Nora. No answer. I tried to go out but no one is receptive. My roommate is in his room. There's a cloud aura. The house is cold.

I feel like this song is jeering at me. Against me.

Changing the music.

Dresden dolls. That's how I feel. Ok, now it's time to analyze. That's what makes me feel better when I'm forced into a corner.

The frustration came when I started talking to a friend who is doing something that society says is much greater than what I'm doing. For days, weeks, months I've been struggling against my career choice. Science? I could have been a star in English. I could have been a monster on the bassoon.

Envy is ignorance.

How much do I enjoy what I'm doing? Will this upcoming year really make me feel better?

I have shot my opportunity of working in a "world class office" for a while. My shield is my shell? My shell is my shield? Which way does it go!???!!

I always told myself that I could taper my thoughts and my actions. Like my work would not impact my happiness. Should they be separate?

I haven't volunteered in 2 years. 2 years since I did something solely for my soul. I feel like I'm becoming SELF ABSORBED!!!

It's taken me so long to realize that this is my little sickness. This disconnected analysis removes me from what makes me/made me truly happy. Canton Calvary Mission, recycling center, patient transport, or just...helping someone do something!

Tutoring involves a certain element of altruism. I don't get paid nearly enough for the work that I do and the work that I do is advancing someone else's capacity to fulfill their self interest. I need some good old fashioned damn protesting.

No self righteousness can come out of this shit. Just get out of my uncomfortable little comfort zone and be human.

I need to do this tomorrow. I have $5 in my wallet. I know that there's a dinner at the UCM that I could volunteer at.

It's like attending church, filling this application for americorps, this amygdala research paper, talking to the madly selfish scientists around me at OU, the contact with fellow environmentalists, and these continual nights of introspection made me realize what a piece of shit I have become this past year.

I feel like the cloud is breaking. Less thought...more action. I will try for UCM next week when I'm not in Paschold's class.

Hopeful schedule: 8 am-12pm homework and music. Relaxation with good food.
12-1pm contact Dr. Backus, Dr. Marks, and the career center. Call AEP to clear up the issue of this bill. 1-3 rocking the English class. 3-6pm tutoring. 6 pm dinner and chemistry lab report. 9-10pm tutoring some more.

Self absorption is depraving my strength. All I can do is meditate on my problems or current emotional state.

Looking at service opportunities right now. This Saturday I want to clean things for passion works.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

warm

With the warmer weather comes a sense of rebirth and rejuvenation. Also, this harrowing sense that it shouldn't be 60 degrees in February.

I have been back on my workout routine. Doing something each day. Lifting, running, and climbing have been enjoyable passtimes these past few days.

Physical activity is perfect for getting over things and for forgetting things. I shaved my head and have been wearing contacts more often.

I'm going home this weekend to see Janee's band play, schedule my MCAT, solidify plans for formal, reconvene with good friends, and hopefully recover a check that is due for me.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Twinge

It's vd. A perfect excuse to make something mean more than it does. I'm laying this on the table though.

It has been a couple weeks before I have gotten a girl to come home with me. It's not something that I just let go either. Thunder hears the majority of the bitching. He fired back about it last night.

Whenever I find some girl that is interested I find some reason to push her the hell away. I've yelled at Sean for holding expectations that no girl can fill and being upset with their incompletion. A few of the girls that I tutor are into me. Instead of taking the situation for what it is I usually pawn them off on another fraternity guy.

So this weekend I've decided to just let down the guard and quit putting up that front of arrogance.

My time with people has made me realize the way I interact. It's shitty. I know how to fix it though. I'm going out with someone tonight, asking someone out tomorrow, going out with 2 people Wednesday, and hopefully seeing one of them a second time Thursday night. I have the house to myself this weekend. So there's no excuse.

I find myself looking at pics of my ex's bf (not Alison, the other one) and getting mad.

May 7th. I put myself in the system to take the MCAT. I'm going to stick to the regimen of 2-4 chapters a day until I have finished the book then take 2 practice tests every week. If I get a section wrong I am going to rewrite the terms for that chapter.

I have heard crushing things about this exam. Suicides, severe depression, and lesser lifechanging things stem from how big it impacts people. I can only afford one shot at it.

So many regrets! I'm still ready for this though. Every day I talk about chemistry, biology, and physics. Ochem is my weak spot.

Talked to Jess last night. She's accompanying me with the fraternity to Gatlinberg TN.


Everyone has that one person who they think about during times where people are congregating under the feelings of love. There's that subtle "what if?" mentality that itches and your mind rolls over it to scratch a while and moves on.

I should develop a set of rules for myself. No matter what I will follow.

I can't think of much...but here it is:

1. Don't missionary date

This means that I can't date someone to try and change them. This inevitably ends in regret for both parties and a mutual distaste for the other person.

2. Don't compromise your ideals

I don't have many principles that guide my life...but the one's I have are incredibly strict. If someone guides me toward a life of intellectual atrophy and depression I will not date them. I need to broaden myself when it comes to this though. I tend to shy away at people who aren't that bad because I think they're inferior. This is a dick-move and I'm done with it.

3. Allow appearance and attractiveness to influence (not dictate) your choice

At first I look at some girls and think that they're deep or have something incredible to offer. Then they turn out to be a waste of my energy and nothing enjoyable. Likewise I've had the most incredible times with girls that aren't what I would usually be attracted to.

4. Know when to walk away

I've seen too many people who just sit in a romantic interaction that used to have its appeal but since then it has crumbled to a dateless, sexless, unemotional, or just comfortable relationship. This is the equivalent of necrosis. Convenience doesn't mean that you should be together. This is the thing that I have gotten good at.

5. Always step up and contrast

When I'm in a relationship with someone I like to gravitate toward their interests. However, if you get too close to each other you tend to mesh hobbies too much and then you're the same person. In theory this sounds fantastic but it leaves you with nothing to talk about. Nothing is worse than a relationship where you have to start a fight to hear the other person's unique and personal opinion. Relationships stagnate when one or both parties don't consistently fight for the other's attention with their own personal strength. Together you can do anything.
Also, I'd hate a girl who was exactly like me.

I can't think of any other thing to remind myself besides sex. For the past 4 years I have been more of a giver of oral and erotic massage. I love it this way because you feel like you've accomplished something that requires a bit of commitment and tenacity. The past couple girls who I've done well with this have been more willing to overlook or even grow to admire my quirky and sometimes insane ideas.



It's incredible how I can relisten to ltwylp2 and not get upset about it. Take me back a month and I'd have a gut wrenching anger regarding a relationship.

It's fucking happening...the moment. Ride it! Ride it! The past will curl under you in a swirling surreal mist. Soon the the wave of the present will come crashing down and you will soon sleep with the past.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

5 chapters

Shedding that class has freed up a lot of time for MCAT studying, which energizes me about the future. There's something far more rewarding about learning by yourself which I appreciate. Right now I'm going over nucleophilic substitutions. An hour ago I was reviewing genetics and biochemistry. 4 chapters in 2 days. 15 to go and I'll be good.

I'm approaching my time at home with a little more temperance than before.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

challenge

I woke up at 8 this morning after a relatively apprehensive night. It was a good sleep though. My cat is making me mad by destroying things on my dresser.

I have 2 exams tomorrow. Last night was the most productive night I have had in a while. This morning I got paid. $135 in the bank. Still, I'm going to spend money like I'm broke. No more $10 mini-nights at the bar. I'm listening to a song which reminds me of Europe. Dad is coming with my medical records so I can send the final hard copies out to headquarters.I need a tetanus shot.

Every day is a challenge to do the best with what you have. Emerson once said "envy is ignorance." I might want to tattoo this on my body to remind myself of everything I know and everything I am.

Monday, February 7, 2011

chemistry

It was a relatively warm day this morning. A bit of rain accompanied me on my walk to 10 a.m. inorganic chemistry. The professor seemed in a bit of an agitated mood, but he said nothing about that exam that had me so flustered Thursday night.

Again, I feel cheated by my education at this institution. Not only were the practice problems not posted until the day before the exam, but the answers were nowhere to be found. Point groups and molecular symmetry are a pretty technical subject to someone who hasn't ever looked at them before.

So I approached the chemistry professor after class to inquire about my test. When I walked up to him I was relatively sure that the interaction was going to be a little change in my life. It was.

He graded my test. I remember getting angry as I saw it. The molecular orbital diagram which we were instructed to draw was the reverse of the example in class and it was one of the minor things he mentioned that occasionally the sigma and pi orbitals switch given certain molecules.
That wasn't the question which I got wrong.

Being completely frazzled by the reverse problem as well as the brevity of the exam I neglected the 2nd step of the 3rd page...which cost me about 10%. Because this is 1 of 3 tests and my final mark was below a C...I dropped the class. He chuckled. "I know you know this, but you didn't write it down."

"I'm sure you don't want to hear this. I was sick and anxious. I just need to know if I should leave this class or not."

"You can still pull this off." He said that statement with a calculated expression which I'm sure is characteristic of a teacher sloughing off the aspirations and hopes of someone who earnestly desires to learn something.

There it goes. My chemistry minor. I left, promptly removed the course from my listing, and felt dejected the rest of the day.

I have made a host of mistakes in my undergraduate years. This is just one that I have no time to rectify. A few marks on a few lines to symbolize that I knew some properties about some particles...are missing. Without those marks I don't have a mark on another piece of paper for the scrutinizers to realize that I know something.

Doesn't it all seem so trivial? Today was my miniature protest against the establishment. Chemists are dangerous. This fact is plain. My time here at Ohio University hasn't taught me much. I have learned how to be burned by bureaucracy and jump through flaming hoops.

I still have that book. I intend to learn inorganic thermodynamics, metallic bonding properties, and inorganic reactions. I do not intend to study them under the supervision and judgment of someone like this.

Last night I proved something to myself: independence. This tenacity that I have can manifest itself in the acquisition of more knowledge on my own. I have one dear friend in the chemistry department, several in biology, and a close association and friendship with a physicist. Every question that I have can be answered by my friends.

It leaves a bitter taste in your mind when someone tells you you're not good enough when you know you are.

breaking away

I'm not sure anyone really appreciates how tough a real research paper is. Dissecting, critiquing, and appreciating someone's work is a lot more challenging than some assert. Some of my colleagues are under the impression that a "research project" is a terse examination of things that are largely on Wikipedia.

For the past 6 free hours I've had I have been examining primary literature and trying to criticize it from a scientific perspective. Gruff! That's the only sound I've been able to make during this little ideal. The article is called "Role of Prefrontal Cortex in Conscious Visual Perception" and it is very thick. Those people at Harvard sure know how to spin shit.

One of the greatest blows to the field of science is the inability of the community to communicate. They release these large papers and spend their entire lives on a subset of neurons in the brain but then their work goes unappreciated because they can't articulate what they did in a way that society will grasp.

I am going to tell this straight up: I don't like having to read this article for 6 hours to understand it. I really wish there was an accessory comments section or at least something to break up the thick discourse and abstract study which was performed.

The weirdest thing about it is that I'm a part of it: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=Preston%20Houston

Next year I will fly from the jib jab of science into a wonderful world of dialog with a greater purpose. Then, I will return to science...possibly. Today I need to get the rest of my application information done done done. This is not something that I should have let go this long.

Yesterday was the superbowl and I called my family. I miss them dearly. If worst comes to worst I will be living at home all next year trying to work a job and save up money for medical school.

This cognitive neuroscience class has proved to be the disillusionment that I needed. Not only did I leave Dr. Lee's lab because the quibbling, high-stress, peculiar, and backward way of life there....but the paradigm of modern neuroscience is frustrating as hell. We were doing exploratory research on a process that I didn't understand. Daily I was criticized for not doing what I was supposed to but I had no idea of what I was supposed to do.

This class taught me, not the underlying mechanisms of my consciousness, but how much I hate research. Biochem/microbiology was straightforward. This class reaffirms that I have no place in science but the clinical. None of this matters but what allows us to better connect with people and advance our understanding of the physical world.

I feel no hatred for the neuroscience community. I definitely feel no love either. Instead, I find myself breaking away with an arm's length respect with regard to their incessant need for unnecessary complexities and arrogant creation of ineffectual work.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

the rage

I can't speak as an objective observer. I'm still tipsy from last night

Fuck this. I fucking hate this so much. From the deepest point of disdain in a person's existence I just fucking want this to go the hell away. My hatred for this damn shit is much deeper than for the worst deed I have ever known.

Maybe if I go elsewhere this shit will fucking go away. Maybe there's a place where this shit doesn't happen or people aren't so terrible. Perhaps it's not natural and people shouldn't act like this but I've lived in this horrible little corner of the world where people are just fucking terrible all the time.

Straight up breakdown:

from the depths of my heart I hate "attractive" people and the attitude they have. Entitlement, snobbery, belligerence, arrogant remarks, and other shit just pours out of them. They're fucking brats. Just because you have symmetry, perfect breasts or a square jaw, height, or other shit that NO ONE CAN HELP that doesn't mean you have to be an absolute prick.

The thing that enrages me the most is that people buy into this shit. That's all they buy into. It's god damn annoying.

Alright, a small history of my night involves all this dialogue. I went out with my friend to a party with a lot of great people. we drank some mix and I got a little tipsy.

Breakdown on my friend: he's about 6 foot 3 inches in height. Dwarfs my by comparison. I'm 5 foot 4 inches tall. He knows random facts about everything but isn't a specialist by any means.

I had an extended conversation with this girl, not "attractive" but really a great person and I liked the way she looked and talked, and everything was going well. Then I got really drunk and next thing I know she's not talking to me anymore, but my friend. Largely, I am excluded from the conversation.

One of a billion incidents in my life where preferential treatment is given to someone based on their looks.

Alright...get it through your fucking head: biologically, scientificaly, and every other factual way of interpreting this has confirmed that people will listen to someone who is attractive over someone who isn't.

This sucks SO BAD for the people who have everything in the world to offer someone but aren't gorgeous.

This is going to sound a bit arrogant right now but I don't give a fuck. I am the peak of everything I could be given my situation. I lift a decent amount, so I have a broad chest and thick arms relative to the rest of my body. It's not too much though. I am a fucking scientist. Appreciate for a second what that means. we are the people that helped make this machine that you use to interact with other people.

There's a poster on the wall in a professor's office that is about animal testing. The picture indicates a group of people protesting animal testing. The caption says "thanks to scientific tests these people will be protesting for an average of 8 years longer." I can perform mathematic calculations and integrate knowledge from 4 fields to solve problems. I have worked in a biomedical research lab trying to explore the properties of lifesaving antibiotics in the strangest corner of the world: honeybee guts. Given enough time, I can explain roughly every cell in your body and an outline of what they do, as well as some properties of those cells that cause your health to fail. Most of the time I can tell you how to prevent this.

I am a farmer. I fear no death. Talk to me and you will get the utmost clarity concerning the brevity of life and the absence (but in that, the jubilee of the temporal) of religion. I kill things and cook them with my own hand. This is normal. I think that people eating an animal that they never knew is demented.

As far as sex goes, I am good. It has been a learning process but, as a scientist, I try things out and learn new ways of achieving mutual satisfaction. I fucking love going down on girls. Everything about it is incredible. The little noises, pleasant expressions, heavy breathing, and incredible happiness that comes out of a woman as you're licking her clitoris are absolutely amazing. As you know someone you gradually change how you do it...less to the point and more about the building up to it. Then afterwards you get a verdict: yes or no. Yes means you're going to have sex. The no is just as well. There will always be another time. I do not know a man who is worth anything who doesn't treat a girl the way she deserves.

Yet, women flock to those types of men. Until they're older. As women get older they get better in most capacities. I'd say menopause is the cutoff. But, if they keep mentally and physically alert, they stay their incredible selves and are ever increasingly pleasant to be around. Height...height and height. It throbs in my god damn little head.

And then there are the wonderful exceptions. These are what I have to live by. There are girls that, for the most part, overlook their biological intuition and open themselves up to men of a different variety.

Look in my kitchen and you'll find a damn good cook at work who uses sparingly any meat but makes the greatest pasta salad s0metimes with veggies that he grows with his own hands. You'll see books from C.S. lewis resting on top of Nietzsche. These are on a stack of molecuar neuroscience, wastewater management and treatment, biology, inorganic chemistry, biochemistry, and a book of music for the alto saxophone. I am a poet, musician, writer, worker, and a critic (but not a cynic). You would think that some of this shit would result in a god damn partner every once in a while. It has been like 2 years since I've had a girlfriend. Not to say that I haven't had someone in between. But...it seems unfair that I put this much work into being the most that I possibly can be and then people just leisurely work their way through everything and find more meaningful connections.

The rant lost its momentum. Basically, what I'm tying to say is that I am really aggravated by people. a tall man or a woman with large breasts commands more attention at or between the sexes. I am conscious of this and try to equalize it.

I just hate how shitty people are. It's so apparent too. You see when a person walks into a room what they are thinking.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Cherry

Songs are a unique thing. When people discuss the birds that are "singing cheerfully in the trees" they misunderstand. Birds do not sing so as to articulate beauty of the world. They're fighting for territory and mates.

Everything is biologically useful in some capacity. Extravagant plumage is an indication of genetic and reproductive health. It means that movement of molecules can persist in ways that are desirable for your blend.

Everything...wait...what?

When I hear music from humans it seems to have an entirely different role. Sometimes it means nothing. Not everyone sings to assert their craft, although some people make it a competition. I remember my freshman year talking to Dan about being a math major because everything he does can be reduced to the need for harmonic precision. 4 beats in a measure, octaves, the resonant frequencies of pitch, and tempo are all factors in the blend. It transfers emotions into an action.

Last night I went to dance to it. At the beginning I was apprehensive. Looking to create some social connections that would benefit me in some way. Then, after not so many drinks, I lost it. The neurotic inability to convene with the infinite moment just left much quicker than it came.

I jumped, clapped, yelled, and moved in precise and extravagant ways to the music.

My love of Ratatat came up quick when Janee heard the song "pursuit of happiness" and made a remark about the guitar part. Soon enough I was lifting weights and listening to them. It is my moment of corporal indulgence. That rhythmic sexual nature of the repetitive male action just takes over. Weightlifting was my logical meditation

It seems like I've found another dichotomy, or trichotomy...rather, to exploit. I feel like I have my finger on something that's been operating on me a long time.

I've always heard people discuss "mind, body, and soul." A part of me disdains the third element and seeks to rationalize it away. The desire for immortality is a compensation of our increased intellectual capacities. Without this insane ability to contemplate we would not have consented to such irrationality. Around the soul we make myths and legends that affect our behavior in the strangest ways.

The "sun dance" was a ritual where a certain native American tribe would perform. They would drive forks into their chests and tie them with strings. Then they would sway and chant.

Christians stand around and drink wine and bread and imagine they're eating an ancient person to cleanse them.

Muslims don't eat pork and associate women without headscarves with prostitution.

Jew light candles and give each other shit.

Christmas has become something I can explain: power dynamics.

However, my point is that I associated the notion of the soul with irrationality. That little break in the desire to discover. Dispassion for knowledge...they want to just reside in a state of not knowing.

Last night I kind of broke it up a little bit. Dancing with no intent of being perceived was something refreshing.

I am entertaining the idea that I might have a soul. Relaxing or stressing myself physically or mentally are regular activities. Maybe dancing and putting myself into a state of not-caring not-knowing is a synergy that I needed.

Maybe my soul is really telling my mind "back the fuck off." All 3 parts should agree about that. Usually they get along. Except on all nighters when the mind tells the body "shove it...we're staying up."

Maybe again tonight. Probably not.

Friday, February 4, 2011

scatteredallnightthoughts

I am in a situation of infinite frustration at this moment. It is 5 in the morning on the eve of an exam. I have my veins full of stimulants an my mind is raging looking for something, anything to do, lex is blaring...and I'm trying to stay awake because I know if I sleep then tomorrow is completely gone.

The feeling of being tired is one of the most difficult and humanizing things I've encountered. You can't overcome that need for a lapse in conscious processing. It takes you and demands that you stop this immense train of thought.

wildcat.

I'm hashing out details of my next year with people overseas. They're the only ones awake at this hour. This weekend really has nothing enthralling for me besides sleep and a midterm. I suppose I will see Sean and Eric play. That will be a highlight. Overall though, sleep is a priority.

It's crazy how the luxury of company is subject to the will of the body. If I were well rested I would cherish the thought of a room crowded with potential and excitement.

coffee. stimulants. my eyes are heavy. the moleules seem to blur on the page. i know that I didn't have to do this. it's just something that happens. all the anxiety stays. builds.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not used to this, or that it's not good. It's just what happens when you feel like you don't know enough. I realize after not sleeping that I really only had a little that I needed to expand upon. Oh well, in 2 hours I would have been awake anyway. Might as well keep going.