Wednesday, February 29, 2012

bad day

I had my first nontraumatic "bad day" today.

I woke up 15 minutes early and was tired as hell because of it.
I drank lemon tea instead of coffee because it was a warm caffeinating way to start the day.
I vomited.
I was tired throughout the day and hungry because it's the end of the month and I didn't buy anything yet.
I walked on eggshells back at my apt. because we have guests that I don't know how to talk to.
The colbert report and daily show weren't on so I spent an hour trying to get them from auxiliary sites...to no avail.
My fridge smells like that fancy foot cheese.
My headphones broke.
I went to a lesson a half hour early only to have them come 15 minutes late and not get through half a lesson.
I started for the gym but realized 10 minutes into the walk that I had the wrong shoes and had to turn around.
I ran to the gym and my neck spazzed up when I tried to bench so I just jogged a bit home after doing some biking and triceps stuff.
The hot flirty girl wasn't in the weight room and I didn't get to the ab machine.
Intercambio sucked. Ian's friend stayed in, the hot librarian said "hi" to me but I never got a chance to approach her from the front at her table and talk like last week.
Instead, I talked to a bunch of sarcastic hipster Peruvians who were all awkward as shit.
The metro machine ate my 50 and gave me 19.50 in change.

So...yeah. Pretty tough.

On the positive side: I have my abono, I got a call from the "tutorasap" people and they're increasing my rate for lessons, I turned in my hours for Sotomayor, I had great lessons with Loli, Angel, and Mirim today, I had some delicious wafers, and I got a run in without my knees killing me.

You take the good with the bad. I have 530 in the bank with 500 to come soon. I'm excited about these lessons and I'm excited for a reasonable march.

I'm really glad to be on a budget. I kept thinking today: Don't spend more than 5 euros here...unless you're having a blast. I wasn't...so I didn't...and this way I will have more opportunities to have fun.

It wasn't a bad day...it's just setting me up for a better day.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

metro gnome

Food, rent, dance classes, gym membership, phone, savings, taxes, and transportation takes up 2/3 of my paycheck. I'm glad to at least be able to look at my check and say that everything has a name on it. I never thought that I liked order but after 2 months of "stop...wait...no...go?" I welcome it.

Here's a breakdown of what I spend my money on:
Assume 1100 euro/month (it's definitely way more than that pending some payments)
Rent: 320
Transport: 30
Food: 80
Gym: 50
Dance: 35
Saving: 200
Travel: 150
Knitting: 10
Incidental: 55
Social: 80
Entertainment: 50
Phone: 25
Skype: 10


I'm very comfortable with this. The only issue I have right now is that I'm reluctant to withdraw money to buy food at first. However, looking at this and saying where my money is going makes me more effective. I also assume that the phone is going to cost more.

I can also see what I'm changing (ie cutting out cigarettes and bread but adding dance classes etc.)

My average days are fantastic now. Unfortunately I have some company that I don't really like at the moment but they're leaving Friday. I have rice, garlic, tea, and onions left for breakfast...no coffee!

This morning I woke up content to face the day. I feel a rush when I start out the door. It's a 45 minute commute but I make a transfer on the light rail. There's always a buzzing sound and squeaking when I get to the station at the same time as the light rail...that means I have to run!

Classes were great. I had a cooperative group first in my one on one lessons. Then I had the unruly students who wouldn't stop talking. This is frustrating but...unfortunately...the less I care about their insistant Spanish speaking the easier it is to go through the day. After that I did the same exercises with an easier group.

As the days go by I feel more powerful, confident, and happy (unless, as this morning showed me: I have no food or coffee).

Tomorrow I think I will get paid. Regardless, I'm going grocery shopping so that I'm not sluggish and mad without that caffeine.

After work I stopped by Sotomayor to pick up a text book for my lesson tomorrow with Pilar. She's a great student with near-fluent English. I still should review her lesson before heading out tomorrow.

It's fun trouncing into these distinguished buildings to speak my native language with officials and strangers. My Spanish isn't much better because I keep busy.

After I left Soto today I came straight home and cooked. The daily show, some psychology podcasts, and a bit of gravenhurst accompanied me as I cooked some rice with that god-forsaken cheese I inherited. It smells like someone's soggy feet were dipped in cream and set for a year.


I found that I don't have much taste for "fancy" things. Pattee tastes like catfood, fancy cheese tastes like feet, and, after the first few times, fancy ham has started to feel like limp beef jerky.

The staple foods, such as paella and tortilla espanola, are fantastic still.

After cooking I fought with itunes. I can't seem to get my "antique" 2008 ipod to sync 2012 software. I'm sure there's a quick fix out there...I just don't want to buy a new one or install anything I don't have to.

I found some biology podcasts that would sync and decided to take them to the gym with me. I did pulldowns, ham curls, leg adductions, and shoulder shrugs. After that I got a quick 15 minutes in on the stair machine and burned 175 calories. Yesterday I burned 250 plus 100 on the rowing machine and the day before I burned 200 on the stationary bike.

I feel fantastic now that I'm back there. It's still awkward not knowing what to do. It's even worse that they have no water in the gym that you can just drink. You have to buy water almost everywhere here.

My only problem with that place is that it lacks a good ab machine. I tried to climb on their ab bench today but it was an awkward angle and too short to reposition after a set.

The biology podcast was about developmental embryology and the progression of the symbiotic relationships between microbes and zebrafish. Obviously the zebrafish were a model organism. I didn't know that they were so commonly used...it doesn't seem like the closest relative to work with...but maybe there's some difference with the egg-laying terrestrial vertebrates that doesn't allow for easy experimentation.

After this I skittered back home, chatted with Ian's friend and turned down an invitation to go to intercambio (again with the "no money" issue. I'll be glad to have that over and done with) at a local bar. I downloaded some free podcasts about psychology and body language, hit up the colbert report and now I'm relaxing.

The most frustrating and rewarding part of my day was practicing sax. The keys and little melodies came back in a snap. However, my old enemy the metronome is more menacing than ever. Playing an obscure scale evenly, not chopping long notes, and not rushing eigth or sixteenth notes are still problems.

They're good problems to have though. After looking at medical schools and weighing out options I haven't taken a second MCAT exam off the table. I am going to see how sharp I am on the subjects before considering.





Saturday, February 25, 2012

Waking Up

I've spent a lot of time in the lab. My perspective has often been one of dissection with the intent of understanding. This has caused me to distance myself from people. Often accompanying this distance was an element of condescension. Fortunately, this hasn't been entirely unhelpful. Through seeing the world like this I learned science to a level that most people don't. I've commanded Spanish and managed to accrue a lot of other talents.

Recently, however, I have been listening to some podcasts about body language and psychology. They talk about stance, thought patterns, and mirroring interactions. All the listening is meaningless until I put it into practice. So, I came off the wall.

This started on Valentine's day. I thought to myself that a primate with my abilities and insights, though possibly disadvantaged by some discourses, has no excuse for not enjoying the most important part of this experience: connection.

I understand that there is, by Fromm's discourse, an intrinsic difference between experience and udnerstanding. We look at and along the light in the toolshed. So, I decided that I'm going to understand a little less and experience a little more.

Bearing that in mind I've been trawling bars, engaging in intercambios, and seeking opportunities for growth. The podcast has been very helpful in removing certain behaviors that divulge my insecurity. One of my biggest demons is ralionalization. Really...I can write a terrific essay describing why I shouldn't do something that would make me really happy. Or I could stop rationalizing and just act on it.

It's like I'm meeting myself for the first time in a long time. I went to sleep a little bit when the Appalachian girl went a way. It was a conscious sleep where I basked in the dreams and ideals of knowledge. In a way, I'm waking up to share my dreams and ideas with people.

It's so true that you modulate your body language to cater to whomever you're around. I've been trying it out on my students. Shoulders down, stiff arms, less eye contact, and verbalized pauses are the first set components. With the first set I feel less energy and more anxiety. Also, the students don't pay much attention.

I love my "second set" attitude. Though it takes some energy to get into I can perk up and smile. I have my chest out slightly, shoulders back, head up, eye contact, no verbalized pauses, and concise language. I feel powerful with this set. The students respond well. It takes practice to get into.

Valentine's day I went into a bar and was blindsided by a type 7 guy...no idea how to deal with it. Fortunately, I just kept good posture and fired back jokes. It was far less uncomfortable when I faked that I knew what I was doing. Eventually...I started to feel it.

At knit night, intercambios, in lines, and on the metro I'm, almost maniacally, smiling and talking to people.

The thing is, I do it without need for validation. I have spent the last four years constructing my identity. It's time to share.

My validation is only with myself. I'm the one calling the shots. For now, this is what I think:

I'm 22 but I have enough experience that I know what I'm doing. Right now I'm teaching English in Madrid to relax my mind from all the science I've learned back home. However, I still study psychology, physical chemistry, physics, and biology out of interest.

I occasionally play saxophone. This is an aspect of my life which I missed dearly in college but it is becoming more important as I get my feet back. If I haven't played saxophone in a week I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I love literature and reading. Discussions are fine, but I love internalizing messages or entertaining tropes and discourses. Along the same lines, I love philosophy but I'm taking a break from heavily taking myself into it.

I was raised with Christian ideals and believe that I should behave in accordance with the positive teachings of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately these teachings are incongruent with the sociopolitical machine that operates in America. Consequently, I enjoy speaking with the few people who realize this and try to operate in spite of this adversity.

I love being physically active. This month I'm getting in a gym (actually after I get done playing sax today).

I have my struggles with attention and insecurities about the life that I've chosen. However, I work on these daily. Some days I improve.

The driving force behind my progress is writing. I have a collection of stories that I am progressively releasing.

I love my family and friends even though they are far away.

I love making people laugh and think. I think that thoughtfulness is what separates us from animals and it is a trait to be pursued in a female partner and a positive friend.

So, there. I'm off to lift weights.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Sushi and Goats

I'm a little tired from a night on the town with a couple friends. I dropped 20 euro on sushi and drinks with some friends. The sushi was fantastic and the wine was rich. Most of the conversation we couldn't stop laughing.

Today was productive. I got my documents signed for empadronating and I have a sita this upcoming Thursday to get that mess sorted out. Hopefully I can apply for my card this Friday.

This morning I woke up. I often wake up. I was slightly tired from four hours of sleep and the wine/saki/beer that found itself my way. I finished the pop section of a presentation and shored up a few questions I wrote for it then ate some leftover ham and rice with gouda cheese.

Then I showered, made an apocalypse presentation, checked my email, and stepped out the old door to go to work. The kids are used to me now. The presentation went over well. I did it three times. Even the little ones could tolerate it.

After school I headed to Cuzco for Sotomayor Language briefing. Unfortunately it was cancelled. I had a message on my phone that I have to be at AngloOrb at four. That was also cancelled. I went home and fixed some more ham and rice...resolving to get better grocery selections in the near future.

I was in no rush to either of these places. I went to AngloOrb at 5:15 p.m. and Sotomayor at 6:20 p.m. Both bosses are extremely nice and have given me materials with which I may teach students. Sotomayor promised 2 students for 3 hours each and AngloOrb has promised me 3 hours with one student to test.

However, I would prefer to have my own classes with students...if they're nice. I realize I gotta jump through the hoops to be able to charge them for no-shows which are bound to happen.

I got home at about 7:50 and bought groceries. Then I unpacked them, watched the walking dead, and mopped the floor. It was a calm day. I learned the past tense of spoken French.

Tomorrow I have to go back to AngloOrb before 7:00 p.m. to start my lesson with my student. Business English is the topic. I don't know her level.

Tomorrow I'm also going to Ramon y Cajal. I intend to set up my tusclases particulares account before I leave for school tomorrow. Hopefully I can scratch for some cash students. I'm sick of interviewing with squirly places or having to explain the situation over and over and over. I have no reason to believe that these two schools will shaft me. Then again...who can ever tell?

It was a good day. I'm looking forward to sleep.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Half Time

Some days pass where you think that nothing really has changed. Your situation couldn't be terribly different if one small element changed. However, it's these little creeping differences that make you who you will be.

Last night I didn't sleep because I had to rush Dr. Martin to the airport. Unfortunately he had a little much tequila celebrating his departure from Spain. We cheered a half liter of premium cuervo to everything. I have a love interest that is very unlikely but fantastic nonetheless. We cheered to her invitation and the possibility of me finding love.

I brought up the fact that he has a beautiful Doctor for a girlfriend and that their five years together has been faithful and happy. We cheered to his proposal in March and to his continual admiration of her intelligence, humor, sensitivity, and perfect rear end.

Then we cheered to my finally being in Spain. Martin said that I should be swift in getting empadronated and tactful to get good work.

We raised our glasses also to his exam and finally to his departure from Spain. Moreover, we cheered to the fact that he is returning.

We finished the bottle in an hour. He was a bit more toasted than I was. Overall, I was glad that we did because we bonded and recalled all that we did together over the last month. Unfortunately, it tested my knowledge of Madrid because he didn't know where he was.

I burned up my last cell phone minutes trying to get a hold of Jamie, Martin's friend, and figure out how to get to her.

When we did we went to a club. I've accepted that I don't enjoy them. Salsa is a great dance. Martin has showed me what it looks like to be confident, smooth, and always happy. I know how to ballroom dance. Salsa is the next step to fully enjoying my time here.

It was different in America.

In the airport he said (in Spanish and broken English) you're going to be a great doctor. You're smart, quick witted, dedicated, and professional. The only thing that you need is a salsa class. If you find a girl, love her with all you have. If you're single...follar as often as you can.

I had to help him find his way there. We conversed with everyone along the way. There were Austrian babes and Australian hipsters. Everything in between seemed to distract us but we made it. I just hope that he was ok after I left him at the gate.

I still have Ian, Jacky, and Pedro to hang out with here. Other than that...I'm going to have to find some more awesome people. Regardless, Martin is irreplaceable. Who would have known that a Doctor's approval would have come in such a circumstance?

I'm going to miss those daily discussions of molecular biology and human physiology (It was more him telling me and me asking questions based off my pre-med exp.).

My goals for this week:

Continue to keep my room clean.
Continue working out.
Find and apt by Friday.
Empadronate (?).
Salsa Wednesday.
Talk to 2 strangers per day.
Do cardio.
Prepare more than 2 lessons for a head start.
Find more work (?)

In total: I have a consistant doublet of people I'm working with on Thursdays. Income is stuck at 1100 euro per month until I get more people.

I'm relieved to have my second student loan payment taken care of.

Now: sleep.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

death chills

I'm writing a short story based off a projection inspired by the elderly people I have known. All our lives we are bombarded with images portraying entire lifetimes of people. We experience a cascade of reminders saying "do it while you're young" or "life is brief." These reminders sink in. They resonate as truth although we have never seen or felt them.

We do age. Death is something that our species has a difficult time dealing with. I've seen many other animals die...they avoid it as far as possible then accept it. I remember a cat we once had that would always come to the window to beg for food. It was a sickly animal with almost no fur and no ability to meow. It would still try to vye for our attention.

We would welcome this cat into our house if it still was continent. Unfortunately, it just reminded us that nothing is permanent and molecular dysfunction will dissipate the passionate perfection our bodies experience in youth. However, the cat never seemed sad. It just waited, patiently, for us to bring food.

One spring, after not seeing it for a while, we were walking down to the lake. Washed up on the concrete side was the bloated animal. Its eyes were open.

Part of our perceived humanity is the revulsion and absolute disparity with death. It is our adversary. In our religions we construct tropes to protect our minds against it. In our mythology we idealize beings that are exempt from it. In our lives we often sacrifice what we perceive as most important for survival. Money, friendships, and the well being of the world around us are secondary to our quest for immortality.

I share the same feelings, as a man, toward death. However, every winter I think about it. I think long and concentrate my energy toward thinking about mythology that would preserve my consciousness. I think of religions as secret codes that I must choose to keep myself here. I always arrive at the same conclusion: regardless of how you live you will die. Immortality is, in all likelihood, a construct to keep this fear staved off so that we may consume and continue with little apprehension about how we spend our finite hours, minutes, and thoughts. We should love and produce as the major religions say...for the mutual benefit of all life around us.

If everyone thought about how finite life is I bet no one would be OK with putting plastic shells on those presidential coins at the factory where I worked. I know I wasn't.

I'm thinking about death right now. My grandmother just died when I came to Madrid. I shed no tears but nodded to the fact when I learned about it from my sister. Pictures of my mother and the funeral didn't shake me the way they probably should have.

Right now I'm writing a story inspired by age and death. People say we live 100 years but so many deny those last years their proper glory. Perhaps the most adventurous always die young. Maybe those last few years really are joyless because everything to experience has already happened. We won't know until we get there. Right now, I'm going to put something down about it and reflect on my perception in this moment as I age.

Several times I have been with or dated women who were older than I (all pre-menopausal...so not more than 21 years older than me). There's something elegant about years impact on a girl. They embellish the stong and motherly qualities of them. The experience makes them tough and sexy. The tight skin and perky breasts may be beginning to fade, but the dialogue, the maturity, and the experience compensates more than enough to make up for the doll-like qualities that young women have.

That's not to say that I would turn down a sexy young woman who came my way with something interesting to offer.

There's just something mystical about being closer to death that changes people for the better.

Memories change us. I've had my fair share of experiences. Skydiving, drinking in the barn, feeling the pain of betrayal from family, experiencing life under a different influence in Barcelona and at Strouds Run, scurrying to all the major cities in the eastern US with a mystery girl, playing on stage in front of hundreds, drunk punching windows to test the (paper-thin) glass, sledriding, breaking bones, raging parties with over 100 people to celebrate my 21st birthday, kissing 6 girls and going to bed with 2 with no recollection how we met at a party (and where was the one I was actually interested in?), riding out the flooded river in a paddle boat with my dad (we never got that boat back from the barbed wire and electric fence), and so many other memories that may or may not have happened shape me.

They seem like fiction compared with the present.

Right now I know a girl. We spend our Thursdays together. Platonic. I want to keep it that way. Winter is the worst part of the year for that.

Winter is time for pause and reflection.

I would like to be in shape right now. I mean. In the shape I was when I was competing in judo with a 6 foot 220 lb. guy last year. Stuff gets in the way of that.

It's impossible for me to hold a thought. My fingers are freezing. It's the perfect time to write this story about an old man thinking back on his life as people around him go about their days.

All our lives we're bombarded with these ideas of temporality and the flight that we must take. You're born helpless and attached to your mother. Step 2. Step 3: you die.

Given my neuroticism I approach this discourse as something true and apply it to my everyday thought and experience. Right now I'm thinking of a women I was falling for who was, incidentally, not falling into the pattern of things. I have trouble digesting stories that go from beginning to completion. I disdain stories that last through just one phase of a persons life (I'm looking at you bildungisroman novels) and then drop it like everything else was benign.

In my attempt to understand and enjoy this apparent divide between experience and understanding I have fallen into the comfortable coat of a detached scientist. I like it here.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Sleep.

Today I started trying to understand more of the book "Time and the Physical World" Richard Schlegel. It's a good book so far. It has me thinking about entropy, change, consistancy, and time as a mathematical principle in equations. I've always thought about it but in physics it was just another variable that I didn't question (I probably shouldn't admit that).

Today I spent some time with Martin, walked to the park to read, drank some cheap cerveza and gave my new roommate a lecture to practice teaching English, and taught at school. My classes went very well today. I hope that tomorrow isn't too difficult.

I learned something recently about Spanish schools and dicipline. You are not allowed to detain students after class for anything you choose! In my high school they were like candy if students were annoying.

Admittedly, it's not good for physical exercise right now. The bank thing is reaching a close but I still have those student loans hanging over my head and no idea how to pay them.

That's this weekend's chore. As for now, I have 550 euro in my account here and $240 back home. That $240 needs to go to WellsFargo and 350 of that euro needs to go to rent and transportation for the month of February. I have another 500 coming Monday.

Right now I keep checking facebook to see if I have received an important message from someone in the past. It's not worth it though. Sometimes I look at pictures of people that used to mean something to me and think about the changes in the physical states of the universe and the relatively consistant nature of each day. If I were in high school and woke up with a right knee that cracks, no hot girlfriend, a degree in biology, over $1000 at my disposal, a tattoo, research experience, fluency in Spanish, and wasn't in Canton anymore...I would probably freak out.

Instead there is that consistency with minor variation. You don't talk to someone this week...maybe next? You gradually let little things build up to a fight then you're not with someone anymore. The night before my graduation walk I was stumbling (I had lost my contacts) home from the dark-eyed woman's house with a huge smile on my face. There was wine in my cupboard and I lived in a house that I, along with 40 of my dearest friends, had gutted and helped refinish.

This time three years ago I was murdering my deamons in the arms of a woman who killed my juvenile aspirations when I was 15.

Every year, season, day, and second, is a cycle with slight variation. I am physically a different person. The past is always growing and the future is always shrinking. Let's make the most of the present and dwindling future, then?

Apart from the lines and waiting I have some fun planned. There's some cute people I have met in Madrid that have invited me to all kids of activities and I haven't showed up yet. However, I think that's about to change.

I will wait for my finances to calm down before I actually get a dance schedule down.

I've been passing time with another English teacher. I haven't seen Ian in two weeks, unfortunately.

If I stay here this weekend I will go to the Cat's to meet strangers in the hostel. My preference would be to follow Martin.

For now, a short shower followed by a long period of sleep. My schedule right now is really accommodating to laziness.

It's not good for the musing that is prompted by people probing my high school past. How am I no longer in Hey Sandy? What happened to those days sneaking around to the fish barn with that pale little girl with the soft body and beautiful voice? Why am I not watching every calorie I intake in wrestling?

I just have to keep myself from letting this musing go too far. Remember the weight of those times: I had no money. I had no freedom. If I wanted to take a girl out on the town,.,I couldn't. I couldn't eat sometimes. I had to play music. It was obligatory. Sure the responsibility didn't seem as great but it meant that I couldn't go to the bars, clubs, and great educational institutions I have the opportunity to visit now. Ups and downs.