Scramble to Portugal

I'm sitting in the Lobito cafe after a long sweaty three hours of scouring Porto for someone who speaks a language in common with me. Single words get by. "Thanks" or "There?"

I got chased down by a man selling sunglasses. He said he knew the area and he spoke fluent Spanish. Unfortunately...not only didn't he know the area but he also spoke very poor Portuguese. He begged and told a story about his kid having cancer. His kid is three. He had to go to Lisbon for an operation. Consequently he needed an operation. I said I'd give him a couple euros if he pointed me in the right direction...which meant he kept following me and asking for a couple hundred euros.

He did find the street. To get him to leave me alone I said I would help him later because I'm going to Lisbon. Consequently I'd pay his ticket and go with him to see his son. He said it wasn't possible because he was going by car. A pack of oreos got him to leave me alone.

Anyways, apart from the hassle of finding my hostel the city is beautiful. Oporto means "the port" ... not the most imaginative name. The streets are similar to Spain. They are confusing, cramped and nonsensical at times, and lined with old adornments. Unlike Madrid, the streets here look like old shower tiles. It's hilly and there are a lot of seagulls. The churches and houses have a different style.

Portuguese is strange. I can pick out individual words but nothing else. If I repeat some words over and over in Spanish they understand. Sometimes they repeat words that I don't get so I just say "obreeguhto" or whatever and walk away.

The coffee I just drank was even smaller and more bitter than those in Spain. I got a massive plate of food. I have heard that prices here are much lower than Madrid but that remains to be seen.

Tom's roommate lives in this city. She said that she may be free to meet up when I'm here. Until then I'm going to take advantage of my overpriced 24 hour metro pass and try to hit as many landmarks as possible until the evening.

I am booking into the hostel as soon as I get off this.

Coming here has granted me the feeling of risk, rush, and discomfort again. The contrast is necessary to appreciate what I have.

I have hopes for this hostel. They're always nice to meet people.

Scramble to Portugal

Rearranging

Optics are really fascinating. We really don't understand light. It is pure energy that behaves like a wave and a particle at the same time. When calculating optics we treat it as a ray. Trying to understand light has led us to question what we know about the nature of any particle or collection of matter. Light's identity crisis is fascinating.

Right now the light is glancing off the palm tree's leaves in my bedroom in Madrid. The view never was very spectacular from my place but, nonetheless, I love my room. It is ordered and clean. A place for everything...and everything in its place...

It's strange that I can't do the same for my relationships with other people. I try. There are coworkers, lovers, love interests, friends, my teachers, my students, and bosses. That's easy to compartmentalize. We work together, we make love, we look forward to making love, we pass time and share experience, I learn from them, they learn from me, and I listen to them respectively.

As that light pours through my window in the afternoon hours I wonder to myself what these boundaries and boxes mean. I will obviously never cross them. For some, however, they can't exist because the "i" is the only variable that suits them.

Right now I'm thinking about someone in my present who, for both our faults, has changed circumstance. Our interaction has given me sustainence, confusion, elation, occasional despair, and endless opportunities to learn. We're on the opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean at the moment. However, like light waves, this person still exudes an exciting effect on me. The inspiration that I get from them has permeated my writing, creeps to my consciousness when playing saxophone, and causes me to strive for perfection in everything I do.

I don't feel like I must go far. The asymptotic race toward perfection is, for me, nearing the speed of light. I now have a gym that is 2 minutes from my house which I have gone to every day for the past week. My dancing abilities in the salsa arena are progressing and I'm finding more and more opportunities to practice. Meanwhile I'm seeing my ability to blend in and stand out change with my mood. Knowing this, I've found ways to keep my mood up and grow every day.

With my headphones strapped on I'm learning optics (if you can't tell by the intro), some French, metabolic biochemistry, and neuroscience. With them off I'm practicing my Spanish and enjoying every second of this cultural epicenter.

There are odd moments and setbacks, of course, but each one lets me know what to improve in the future. For the first half of March I kept a budget. Unfortunately, I lost my trial period for Microsoft Excel. I also lost my PowerPoint abilities. So, I found a way around those two by using googledocs. I have half a month's wages to spend exclusively on my trip to Portugal this Saturday.

I'm sure that this travel will accelerate my pace of experience and discovery in Europe. Only occasionally do I find myself killing time on the internet on rapid stimulation sites like Cracked.com or FailBlog.org.

My goals for April: I will send $500 back to the USA in preparation for second round applications, I will continue to work out daily, I will continue my budgeting and keep with it on Google, I will continue interacting every chance I get with the people of Madrid, I will go to free French lessons on Thursdays, I will continue going out almost every night to new places, I will visit France, the Czech Republic, and Morocco, I will continue learning salsa, my lessons will continue to progress in interactivity and efficiency, I will finally get around to learning a bit of calculus, I will stop studying psychology and focus on physics and chemistry, I will continue playing sax every day, I will continue to pressure my schools to give me worthwhile and consistent students, and I will call my mother more. All this seems reasonable.

I have accomplished a lot this month. My students' English is much better. I have no problems collecting information from people or navigating maps. I run into awkward situations (like accidentally going into a brothel without knowing it...note: if there is a neon sign and no windows then DO NOT ENTER).

Actually, I'll go into detail about last night a bit. I got done with my lesson, rearranged my room, worked out, ate dinner, then debated going to the intercambio. I decided to scope out the local club scene instead. It was great. I went to the "little bull" restaurant and met Marcos and Marina as well as introduced myself to the wait staff. After that I went to Cafe Moliere to see some free card tricks. I talked to the wait staff there as well to familiarize myself with the place a bit more.

Then I decided to go to a bar right next to my house with no windows and a neon sign of a girl with bangs draped over one eye. I asked the barkeep what kind of bar it was (I thought "pub" or "night club" or "salsa bar" would be the answer) and he said "bar de copas. con chicas." Literally this means "bar of cups. with girls." In my head this means "bar where we serve individual beers and have plenty of mixed company to hang out with." What it actually means is "at this place you buy an overpriced beer then girls will rub themselves on you and grab you asking you to buy them a drink. once you do (the drink is 20-30 euro for some reason) they take you to the back."

Not sure what happens at the back. Not sure why the price of the beer is variable. Not sure I want to know. The first person I talked to was nice. She was a good looking ecuadorian woman with a bright smile. In retrospect it's really funny that I didn't know what was going on at first. When she came uncomfortably close I pulled away and she followed me. She asked if I wanted to buy her a drink and I thought "man, she's trying really hard to get this drink. That's the third time she asked. I'm still not sure why it was 8 euro..." I said "sure." She stopped me and said "it's more expensive for me." I slid her my beer and said "I'm good without it." She rolled her eyes and said "es un bar de copas." In my head this really meant nothing but "it's a bar of cups." I still don't know if that's a weird thing there or normal.

She called her heavy black coworker over to explain to me in English. She yelled "you buy drink. go back. have sex." At this point it subtly dawned on me that this was a place I didn't want to be. I told her no thanks. She pointed at her friend and said "you don't like?"

"It's not that I don't like her. I just don't do that sort of thing. I thought this was a regular bar..." They laugh.

So: Neon signs in the USA that have poolsticks, martini glasses, people, beer brands, or whatever else...are fine. Dimly lit bars are cool.

In Spain: Stick to the Irish pubs, as clearly labeled, or the brightly lit bars with windows.

So again we're talking about light.

I remember the cold winter of December where Jason and I were skittering around Canton looking for bars to go to. There was a neon sign that said "Budweiser" through the midst of the festivities. It's always a grand thing when people are out in Canton. It's like something dead blossoms and you see what it's capable of. I deeply miss my family.

Tonight I believe I'm going out with a lovely green-eyed Spaniard for a show. I have some American friends in town as well who are supposed to meet up with me for a little tour of the non-touristy areas in Madrid.

Breaking away is blaring through my speakers right now. I wish I could move my family here. I'm arranging a university visit in the Czech Republic for an English speaking medical school.

I am turning 23 soon. My live has been very long and fulfilling. More trials are to come. For this, I am thankful.

Meditations of March

March has been great so far. I just finished playing saxophone for an hour after making a delicious stir fry. Still haven't gotten the formula down for perfection but that leaves me some room for improvement.

I have stuck by the "buy no cigarette" rule for March. I have been in the gym 18 our of the last 20 days. It's really strange that I feel more capable than I did in college. I'm not sure what it is but I can do more sets and don't really ever want to stop working out. I did a half hour of cardio today after a lift. Last time I was this apt to be fit was when I was gaming judo and enjoying some time together with women this past spring and summer.

As strange as this sounds...I'm finally learning how to talk to people. Up until I came over to Spain I was always negging and dodging people to stay comfortable. It's strange that wallflower girls get a fair amount of attention now and again...but a man who doesn't act from a frame of understanding and assurance is uncomfortable to be around.

I noticed this definitively after studying psychology two weeks ago in preparation to go out to the bars. A girl I met and opened up was shy at first but eventually playful. Overall, I felt good about the interaction. She introduced me to a mixed group of guys and girls from England and Spain. Everything was good.

Then I met a man who would not stop looking at the ground. It was something similar to what the girl was doing but I felt different. He was shifty and unsure of himself. It looked incredibly familiar because it was what I used to do in the states. I would go to a bar with my friends, go somewhere to talk, and think about how weird it was to be there. The guy made me uncomfortable just by carrying himself as such...even though there was nothing else strange about the conversation.

I really want to meet someone who peaks my interest here. I've had a lot of luck with social circles as long as I keep a secure, witty, and open vibe. However, that abruptly stops when I let it go. What I'm trying to do now is make that my personality.

They say people don't really change. I don't think that's true entirely. Given a different atmosphere, nutrition, and behavioral pattern...your personality can shift to something far less abrasive to be around. I bet when I go back to the states that people will notice that the way I feel about myself has changed.

There's some advice that this psychology podcast has given me: get out of your head! I've taken to the idea that I should think of my feet when I'm talking to someone. Can I feel them? If I can't then I'm too worried about what I'm going to say. The mind leads the body. The body leads the mind. Not heidonism...but being in the moment is most important.

Cutting out bread wasn't entirely successful. I had a baguette the other day. I felt heavy afterwards.

My budget has slipped in the past few days because I can't download another trial of excel and I don't want to pay several hundred dollars for microsoft office. I'm thinking about switching to google but all my stuff is locked in. We'll see where that goes.

I wasn't expecting to get paid by the other places where I worked. It was nice to have an extra 150 euros in my account. My lessons are all going very well despite some of them being very far out.

From time to time I think about my journey here. I look at the scar on my left arm and think about those dreadful nights frantically feeding the upper class politicians, businessmen, and professionals. I remember the excruciating burn that I endured when I hastily grabbed a plate to rest on my arm... bringing it to a table...I wouldn't put down because I had no time. The hair is slowly growing back.

I remember smashing my hands in the cheese factory trying to slam the containers back together. I remember the soreness in my neck and back as I shelled thousands of coins for a company that conned dementia patients into spending their retirement funds. In the contrast of today...I'm saddened by the thought that people live the way they do.

I had a thought today when I was lifting: the rhetoric used by the conservative party in the USA right now employs apocalyptic stories of control, delusional ignorance, and a dreadfully uninhabitable world. At the same time the sponsors of the conservative media propagate the industries that keep us from realizing how to live independent of each other. Put me down in a country with water, seeds, and some animals and I know vaguely what to do to live. Bring my sisters along and between the three of us we're fine.

However, I consider the regular alternative to our strange family. People don't know how to make their own food. Many have never killed an animal. Almost none know how to sanitize and preserve things to keep healthy. When the oil runs out and we have no choice but to either drastically change our way of life or die due to lack of resource transportation then the people, who were just told that preserving an unsustainable multinational industry is the only way to assure that they're not enduring mind control, will be in for an awakening.

This is just something I see.

I have a cabinet full of gin, vermouth, and champagne. No cigarettes. Just a wonderfully large room above a theatre. I have oranges and teaching materials. 200 euros in my pocket and 700 in the bank. Next month I will have 1300 more. I am no longer scrubbing decomposed cheese product off filter membranes in the sewer system and I am not working as a busboy. Life is paradise right now.

I just can't say enough that everything is ending soon and we have to appreciate the beautifully complex chemical configuration that is "the now."

I've been thinking about the people of my past...some I miss dearly and want to reconnect with. Others...I'm glad they've washed out to sea.

Anyways...I'm going to eat, shower, knit, connect with some people, and hit this beautiful town for the evening. I'm going to Galicia tomorrow.

bad day

I had my first nontraumatic "bad day" today.

I woke up 15 minutes early and was tired as hell because of it.

I drank lemon tea instead of coffee because it was a warm caffeinating way to start the day.

I vomited.

I was tired throughout the day and hungry because it's the end of the month and I didn't buy anything yet.

I walked on eggshells back at my apt. because we have guests that I don't know how to talk to.

The colbert report and daily show weren't on so I spent an hour trying to get them from auxiliary sites...to no avail.

My fridge smells like that fancy foot cheese.

My headphones broke.

I went to a lesson a half hour early only to have them come 15 minutes late and not get through half a lesson.

I started for the gym but realized 10 minutes into the walk that I had the wrong shoes and had to turn around.

I ran to the gym and my neck spazzed up when I tried to bench so I just jogged a bit home after doing some biking and triceps stuff.

The hot flirty girl wasn't in the weight room and I didn't get to the ab machine.

Intercambio sucked. Ian's friend stayed in, the hot librarian said "hi" to me but I never got a chance to approach her from the front at her table and talk like last week.

Instead, I talked to a bunch of sarcastic hipster Peruvians who were all awkward as shit.

The metro machine ate my 50 and gave me 19.50 in change.

So...yeah. Pretty tough.

On the positive side: I have my abono, I got a call from the "tutorasap" people and they're increasing my rate for lessons, I turned in my hours for Sotomayor, I had great lessons with Loli, Angel, and Mirim today, I had some delicious wafers, and I got a run in without my knees killing me.

You take the good with the bad. I have 530 in the bank with 500 to come soon. I'm excited about these lessons and I'm excited for a reasonable march.

I'm really glad to be on a budget. I kept thinking today: Don't spend more than 5 euros here...unless you're having a blast. I wasn't...so I didn't...and this way I will have more opportunities to have fun.

It wasn't a bad day...it's just setting me up for a better day.

metro gnome

Food, rent, dance classes, gym membership, phone, savings, taxes, and transportation takes up 2/3 of my paycheck. I'm glad to at least be able to look at my check and say that everything has a name on it. I never thought that I liked order but after 2 months of "stop...wait...no...go?" I welcome it.

Here's a breakdown of what I spend my money on:

Assume 1100 euro/month (it's definitely way more than that pending some payments)

Rent: 320

Transport: 30

Food: 80

Gym: 50

Dance: 35

Saving: 200

Travel: 150

Knitting: 10

Incidental: 55

Social: 80

Entertainment: 50

Phone: 25

Skype: 10

I'm very comfortable with this. The only issue I have right now is that I'm reluctant to withdraw money to buy food at first. However, looking at this and saying where my money is going makes me more effective. I also assume that the phone is going to cost more.

I can also see what I'm changing (ie cutting out cigarettes and bread but adding dance classes etc.)

My average days are fantastic now. Unfortunately I have some company that I don't really like at the moment but they're leaving Friday. I have rice, garlic, tea, and onions left for breakfast...no coffee!

This morning I woke up content to face the day. I feel a rush when I start out the door. It's a 45 minute commute but I make a transfer on the light rail. There's always a buzzing sound and squeaking when I get to the station at the same time as the light rail...that means I have to run!

Classes were great. I had a cooperative group first in my one on one lessons. Then I had the unruly students who wouldn't stop talking. This is frustrating but...unfortunately...the less I care about their insistant Spanish speaking the easier it is to go through the day. After that I did the same exercises with an easier group.

As the days go by I feel more powerful, confident, and happy (unless, as this morning showed me: I have no food or coffee).

Tomorrow I think I will get paid. Regardless, I'm going grocery shopping so that I'm not sluggish and mad without that caffeine.

After work I stopped by Sotomayor to pick up a text book for my lesson tomorrow with Pilar. She's a great student with near-fluent English. I still should review her lesson before heading out tomorrow.

It's fun trouncing into these distinguished buildings to speak my native language with officials and strangers. My Spanish isn't much better because I keep busy.

After I left Soto today I came straight home and cooked. The daily show, some psychology podcasts, and a bit of gravenhurst accompanied me as I cooked some rice with that god-forsaken cheese I inherited. It smells like someone's soggy feet were dipped in cream and set for a year.

I found that I don't have much taste for "fancy" things. Pattee tastes like catfood, fancy cheese tastes like feet, and, after the first few times, fancy ham has started to feel like limp beef jerky.

The staple foods, such as paella and tortilla espanola, are fantastic still.

After cooking I fought with itunes. I can't seem to get my "antique" 2008 ipod to sync 2012 software. I'm sure there's a quick fix out there...I just don't want to buy a new one or install anything I don't have to.

I found some biology podcasts that would sync and decided to take them to the gym with me. I did pulldowns, ham curls, leg adductions, and shoulder shrugs. After that I got a quick 15 minutes in on the stair machine and burned 175 calories. Yesterday I burned 250 plus 100 on the rowing machine and the day before I burned 200 on the stationary bike.

I feel fantastic now that I'm back there. It's still awkward not knowing what to do. It's even worse that they have no water in the gym that you can just drink. You have to buy water almost everywhere here.

My only problem with that place is that it lacks a good ab machine. I tried to climb on their ab bench today but it was an awkward angle and too short to reposition after a set.

The biology podcast was about developmental embryology and the progression of the symbiotic relationships between microbes and zebrafish. Obviously the zebrafish were a model organism. I didn't know that they were so commonly used...it doesn't seem like the closest relative to work with...but maybe there's some difference with the egg-laying terrestrial vertebrates that doesn't allow for easy experimentation.

After this I skittered back home, chatted with Ian's friend and turned down an invitation to go to intercambio (again with the "no money" issue. I'll be glad to have that over and done with) at a local bar. I downloaded some free podcasts about psychology and body language, hit up the colbert report and now I'm relaxing.

The most frustrating and rewarding part of my day was practicing sax. The keys and little melodies came back in a snap. However, my old enemy the metronome is more menacing than ever. Playing an obscure scale evenly, not chopping long notes, and not rushing eigth or sixteenth notes are still problems.

They're good problems to have though. After looking at medical schools and weighing out options I haven't taken a second MCAT exam off the table. I am going to see how sharp I am on the subjects before considering.

Waking Up

I've spent a lot of time in the lab. My perspective has often been one of dissection with the intent of understanding. This has caused me to distance myself from people. Often accompanying this distance was an element of condescension. Fortunately, this hasn't been entirely unhelpful. Through seeing the world like this I learned science to a level that most people don't. I've commanded Spanish and managed to accrue a lot of other talents.

Recently, however, I have been listening to some podcasts about body language and psychology. They talk about stance, thought patterns, and mirroring interactions. All the listening is meaningless until I put it into practice. So, I came off the wall.

This started on Valentine's day. I thought to myself that a primate with my abilities and insights, though possibly disadvantaged by some discourses, has no excuse for not enjoying the most important part of this experience: connection.

I understand that there is, by Fromm's discourse, an intrinsic difference between experience and udnerstanding. We look at and along the light in the toolshed. So, I decided that I'm going to understand a little less and experience a little more.

Bearing that in mind I've been trawling bars, engaging in intercambios, and seeking opportunities for growth. The podcast has been very helpful in removing certain behaviors that divulge my insecurity. One of my biggest demons is ralionalization. Really...I can write a terrific essay describing why I shouldn't do something that would make me really happy. Or I could stop rationalizing and just act on it.

It's like I'm meeting myself for the first time in a long time. I went to sleep a little bit when the Appalachian girl went a way. It was a conscious sleep where I basked in the dreams and ideals of knowledge. In a way, I'm waking up to share my dreams and ideas with people.

It's so true that you modulate your body language to cater to whomever you're around. I've been trying it out on my students. Shoulders down, stiff arms, less eye contact, and verbalized pauses are the first set components. With the first set I feel less energy and more anxiety. Also, the students don't pay much attention.

I love my "second set" attitude. Though it takes some energy to get into I can perk up and smile. I have my chest out slightly, shoulders back, head up, eye contact, no verbalized pauses, and concise language. I feel powerful with this set. The students respond well. It takes practice to get into.

Valentine's day I went into a bar and was blindsided by a type 7 guy...no idea how to deal with it. Fortunately, I just kept good posture and fired back jokes. It was far less uncomfortable when I faked that I knew what I was doing. Eventually...I started to feel it.

At knit night, intercambios, in lines, and on the metro I'm, almost maniacally, smiling and talking to people.

The thing is, I do it without need for validation. I have spent the last four years constructing my identity. It's time to share.

My validation is only with myself. I'm the one calling the shots. For now, this is what I think:

I'm 22 but I have enough experience that I know what I'm doing. Right now I'm teaching English in Madrid to relax my mind from all the science I've learned back home. However, I still study psychology, physical chemistry, physics, and biology out of interest.

I occasionally play saxophone. This is an aspect of my life which I missed dearly in college but it is becoming more important as I get my feet back. If I haven't played saxophone in a week I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I love literature and reading. Discussions are fine, but I love internalizing messages or entertaining tropes and discourses. Along the same lines, I love philosophy but I'm taking a break from heavily taking myself into it.

I was raised with Christian ideals and believe that I should behave in accordance with the positive teachings of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately these teachings are incongruent with the sociopolitical machine that operates in America. Consequently, I enjoy speaking with the few people who realize this and try to operate in spite of this adversity.

I love being physically active. This month I'm getting in a gym (actually after I get done playing sax today).

I have my struggles with attention and insecurities about the life that I've chosen. However, I work on these daily. Some days I improve.

The driving force behind my progress is writing. I have a collection of stories that I am progressively releasing.

I love my family and friends even though they are far away.

I love making people laugh and think. I think that thoughtfulness is what separates us from animals and it is a trait to be pursued in a female partner and a positive friend.

So, there. I'm off to lift weights.