Tuesday, September 6, 2011

running

At this point I feel like I need my space to get back on that track where I can be appreciated. Petty quarrels and emotions get in the way of productivity. Physical activity propagates my potential to learn. Learning makes me sharp as a person. If I am sharp then I love myself for it. If I love myself then I am more physically active and better able to love other people. Consequently. I'm going for a long run today.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Seeking

I've heard people say that no one would go to the internet if it were a real place. It would probably resemble a truck stop or something much worse.

Out of sheer boredom I put out some ads on craigslist. Swing dancing was addictive in New Orleans...as was having a platonic female friend around 24/7. I want that with someone around the area.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Distance

It has been two days and it already feels like forever. Last night I laid out my thoughts to Corina. She slapped me in the face with a question I had been pondering the whole time: You blew two thousand dollars and quit working just to go with a girl that you can never fall in love with or never be with?

Yes.

Do you regret it?

I don't know. I can only move on from what I have. Those memories are going to be precious. I'm not sure I'll see her again or if I'll really miss her but I have some crazy memories from this trip. I've never had a vacation.

What about Spain?

True, that was a lot of fun. I was working about 35 hours a week on school and learning Spanish. This was the first time where I just travelled.

What are you going to do now?

I have several options and tracks. I do. I regret blowing all my money on travel. I regret leaving good jobs and letting my plants die. I regret losing my relationships with E, N, and stopping my communication with H over work for that trip that is just gone, over, and like it never happened. I regret that I wasn't in the right spot to get my visa figured out. I regret that I didn't study more for the MCAT. I regret expecting, as every person that I talked to, that she would be romantically interested. I've messed up a crucial part of my life but I can't take it back...I can just make the best of the friendship I made with Ambre. She's a great girl.

So you never thought she was the one? I don't believe that people are "the one"

She could be. I'll never know though because I have such different tracks than her. She likes totally different things and by the time we were connecting...she left. For romance: I have nothing going with her. She might even be more interested in women.

What are you going to do now?

Continue visa application. Send out more medical school applications. Work at Clay's, Sylvester's, Barrel Run, and the full-time light industrial or biotech job for which I'm interviewing. I can work UPS November-Christmas for $12.88 an hour, Barrel run for $10 an hour until harvest is over, intermittently at Sylvester's, and at Clay's until the end of summer for $7.40 an hour. The biology jobs are up in the air. If I go to Athens I can be close to dark-eyed woman and the fraternity. I would have connections and roots to people I love and activism. DHI might want me and AmeriCorps is going to interview me for a position in managing Appalachian coal damage: something I feel very strongly about.
At the end of the day: I'm grateful. The love in my life has sustained me to the point where I crushed the MCAT, did a trip that no one ever thought possible, had a meaningful summer, met a beautiful and intelligent lover in Athens and we had our time together. I have had wonderful friendships with people in the fraternity that are going to last a lifetime. I have the greatest life I could imagine.
Sure, I could be taller and more attractive. That would dull my resolve to prove myself to people. I would fall into mediocrity and not develop my thought or theology to the point it is today. The only thing I want to change right now is my biochemistry: less geared toward a sedentary lifestyle. In other words: I need to work out like a beast these next few months.

I miss waking up next to Ambre. I miss her deep laugh when she lost control of herself. I love the way she would stumble around words and conclude that the wrong pronunciation had to be right. Her spirit was exciting. She has more energy than any woman I have met. Mentally active, inquisitive, physically attractive, philosophically inclined, open-minded, and very compassionate are all words that I would use to describe her. If she was American and interested in me...nothing would stop me from trying to be her someone. Language is not something to be discounted though. I am a man of words and action.

I don't miss the worry. Every second I was thinking: Is she entertained? Does she have any physical needs? Is she perceiving me as weak because I can't figure this out? Does she know how frustrated I am by the fact that she misunderstands me? I felt cuckolded by my own idiocy.

I'm off to fax the attourney general my information of a sealed background check. More frustration...go!