One of my most anticipated discoveries in the condition of the naked ape is that of music. The calculated intentional vibration of air molecules has a startling effect on people. It is very dissimilar to that of a territorial bird, which calls for mates or to threaten off predators.

I'm just listening to this and thinking about how it makes me feel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aaDQFdKzY8. Don't watch it. Seriously. The lyrics and tones should be enough to give you a picture. Something lodged in you hippocampus will break free and flood your system in an instant. For me, I think of all the people I've loved and how full my experiences have been. I don't desire. That part is silent. Instead...nostalgia comes over me.

This has been a great week. I have seen people that are closest to me in my hometown. Josh, Catalina, Mathias, my family, and a few others. It seriously makes this time more meaningful and enjoyable when I am with people that I like.

Something incredible must be said about constantly moving. You don't rust when you're running. People are excited to see you for a great night on the town and then they forget about you for a bit until your next visit.

Maybe this behavioral tendency is related to my alleged attention disorder. If I'm always jumping around then it's impossible to get bored.

Josh and I always talk about the problems of modern society and how people are handling their situations poorly...wasting their lives in front of the television and discontented marriages. Yesterday I sat for 2 hours and drank a beer while watching CSI. I felt fantastic. Nothing. Literally nothing was going through my head. I thought "this makes sense. This feels really relaxing." and I understand now why some people will pitch all concerns about the environment for a good program. The question is: is it worth the work?

Contrast is the story of my life. Last week I was losing sleep over the fact that I thought there weren't enough hours in the day. I only made one promise to myself: I will finish ishmael this week. That's it. No overarching resolutions about women or saxophone or making money and seeing friends...just a book.

I drank almost every day this week. Hung out with Corina, Janee, Travis, Jason, mom and dad, and all the animals. Today I held wires back from a giant screwmachine in the vineyard. I went out to the movies 3 nights. Once with Josh, once with Janee and Jason, and once with Ashley. Saw Clash of the Titans, Kickass, and Date Night. They were all entertaining. Ishmael is very introspective...it's awesome.

Now I'm listening to cuentame al oido. I get caught up in the accent that she has. It's melting. It reminds me of nothing. I haven't heard a voice that clear and melting in a while. The background music is tin cans and bad synth but that voice really gets you.

I should probably do something right now.

finals

Calc final is in half an hour. integral of udv equals uv-integral of vdu.
That's it...my problem is just with the trig function and endless technical rules. Suddenly I'm more worried about Ochem.
If it boiled down to it, I'd rather lose my chance at year-long biochem than neuroscience. Both are important.

Nora convinced me to quit being so ridiculous. I want to take a creative writing class instead of picking up a 3rd major. I'm not taking physical chem this fall. Fuck quantum mechanics. I just want to stick to my guns and do neuroscience research. I'd forget it anyways...plus calc isn't my strongsuit.

Last night she told me how everything is. If it works out, great. If not, then we had some great times and I learned a lot about how to touch someone.

If it comes to dating...would I be better with a scientist? I feel like I'm explaining a lot of stuff that I'm learning to her and I feel like an ass because of it. My sister would have shot me in the foot by now. I know that I'm not on a higher level of thought, I just have so much interest in this stuff and want to talk about it with people. I think this is how everyone in bio ends up marrying each other...they're the only people who understand each other.

The best part about seeing someone in non-science is the fact that they're not a dissectionist...they don't have to be a romantic, but there's not that urge to understand everything.

There are a lot of fantastic girls out there in science though. People that I get a long with...more or less. Sometimes I get contentious with them though...competitive.

Parental pressure is going to greet me when I get home. Why didn't you make dean's list? What do you need to change?

Answer: I need to 1 take less classes 2 better balance classes with nonscience or 3 have no social life. The catharsis I get meeting people and drinking with friends is something that I can't pass up.

That final is coming. All I need to do is pass. It feels good to know that I don't have to be exceptional. I felt like life was ending last quarter when I was freaking out about chemistry. It will be fine. I have all next year to clean things up. And this time I won't be dumb about it.

Stress is an incredible force on the body. We're not equipped to deal with all this cortisol not being used...and it permanently modifies transcription of factors dealing with energy consumption. In other words...stress has a long-term negative impact on health. Thinking about it stresses me out...

I'll be home for this next week. Coming home Saturday after moveout.

Pass

The extended social experiment with living in the fraternity is finally drawing to a close. I'm sitting, contemplating on the first floor of Alden. From Mexicans to noise violations, we've had a lot of police attention. There has been a lot of good times and drama. I can't say that I'll miss being woke up mistakenly by someone looking for the bathroom, having to pay $30 extra on my water bill because of trash violations after parties, or cleaning up beer cans or vomit for about an hour every weekend.
I will miss some things about it though. The communal feel is the best part. Next year I'm rooming with someone I'm close to, but I'll miss always coming home to some kooky crap going on or guys just hanging out.

The result of this quarter has been bad (relative to what I usually get) grades...but I realize that it's really not that important anymore. I see the fact that I don't have to jump miles over the bar and kill myself doing it. There will be flight next summer...and a great return afterwards to do what I'm called for.

$985 a week for 12-16 hours of teaching in Spain is the job that I have lined up for the year immediately following college. After that, I'm going to medical school...most likely somewhere costal so I don't end up going insane.

There was a limo taking the seniors to strip clubs, a pretty big dance party, and a lot of drunk conversations with different guys telling them that I'm glad to have known them.

Last night I again realized the sense of alienation that I get at the parties. I've always known, but It's just not my scene. Guys like Spencer and Chris will live it up and love every minute of it. I'm just excited to meet someone who is stimulating in some capacity, or shares some of my interest. Going to a more ambient environment has always been more soothing and allows me to flourish in conversation. I can't dance to rap without looking odd, I don't like drinking natty, and drinking games with plastic cups don't exactly satiate my appetite for competition.

Enough bitching, let's talk about the great things this year. I've learned so much chemistry, a lot about microbiology and evolution has been a very delightful intellectual trial. I learned a lot more about going down on girls...and love doing it when a girl deserves it. I figured out that you have to talk about nothing, or dial down your intensity for people to have an extended conversation in a "normal" social setting...otherwise you end up alone like a certain...muskrat.

Also, there's a big thing coming my way from Chen's lab. He wants a report about this microbe that has been producing a yellow metabolite on fructose. The next person to have my position will pick up where I left off...and Chen wants a formal report. I'm considering it a great practice for my potential thesis next year.

Speaking of which: a proposal. Since Dr. Lee told me that I only have to dedicate like 6 hours a week to his research...I've thought of what I could do in my free time relative to neuroscience.
Pain has been in the back of my mind for the last 2 years or so. I've read case studies that discussed my mother's condition (this is a decent website that will explain it http://rsdhope.org/) that have been interesting. The disease is significantly more common in women. Case studies have shown that when these women get pregnant their symptoms vanish and they return to feeling like a person should (apart from the whole pregnancy part). This summer I intend to explore some of the current experiments that have been done on these case studies. My thought is that there could be a hormonally based treatment that could simulate pregnancy and be used as a better treatment for this disease...especially in cases like my mother who is immune to the main form of treatment for the condition. Obviously this is out of the scope for undergrad...but I could do some experiments exploring the connection between hormones and pain signaling.

Another good thing that happened to me recently has been a tall female "hippie" that has been really good to me. Whether we're hitting the bars, outside, or we're laying in bed talking about our experiences, books, stupid party stories, or great movies...I feel comfortable around her. She's about 5 or 6 inches taller than me and...I kind of like it.

If my memory serves me correctly there was no distinct female figure that made Dedalus flee Ireland. If there was, then she would be this person, and Ireland would be the frat. I know that there's an alternative world out there that isn't an endless mashup of people that want to skip the introspective and intellectual part of college for the shit on weekends. She lets me feel confident and chill. She's intelligent, compassionate, engaging, and...leaving. I'm surprised how OK I am with this. I feel like being with her is a great thing, but will be ok when she goes. Througout my life I have tried to cling to things when they're really not good for me. This resistive attitude somtimes gives me trouble. Everything is temporary...this is a good thing. It gives me less opportunities to fuck it up.

I'm learning from her. I'm learning that it's ok not to always have people around. It's ok to think, be yourself, and that my ideals are more important than I have made them recently.

Really, truly, honestly...it bothers me to hear guys objectifying the shit out of amor. I might mock it, say dirty things like "fuckin' girls are only good for cooking and sex" but...when I stand in line at the busy day market and someone seriously says "that girl needs to be on my dick right now!" I want to throw up. I don't know what to talk about with these people. These are the people who will say "college is the best point in your life" or "it's all down hill after 21" because their physical powers decline with time and they never pursue wisdom or experience in meaningful things...and they end up being douchebag workers at UPS.

I'm not touting some universal standard of ethics...but the shanty gauntlet of male objectivist culture frustrates the living shit out of me...and I'm not going to change it by abstaining from it or working against it...I can just leave it and enjoy my books, dark beer, hippie friends, and good music. I like who I am. I wouldn't change a thing...except maybe have better teeth, but that's a different story.