Saturday, June 16, 2012

homesick? no. it's time.

I tried another run today. Got a full 12 minutes before I started choking up from the dust. Sat around and watched some TV and now it feels better. Listening to "Tonight" by Lykke Li and sending skype texts about tonight.

I'm trying to replay all my successes in my head. I"m trying to write something inspirational but it's difficult with all the input from reality.

This past Thursday I played chess with a cute Spanish girl. Lent a nice Ukranian a book. Learned Go. Hung out with Ian.

Last night I went out for drinks with the knitters. Then I headed home and caught up with the theatre crowd downstairs. We went to Torito, which is my favorite local bar, and I met some of the cast. Maria wasn't there.

Today I booked tickets for Versailles, the Seine river cruise, and read about the Louvre. I think I'm going to arrange my documents and give Emilio a call.

For some reason I feel like I'm doing nothing. Maybe my perception of time is distending as I get closer to the end.

There's still so much to do. I need to figure out New York to Ohio. I need to get a suitcase and figure out where I'm putting my stuff. I need to cancel my student loan payments for the next few months....transfer funds from my Spanish to American bank accounts. I gotta figure out taxes for this year and find a job for Ohio.

So I guess this is why it seems like I haven't done much. Paris is all planned out but I still need to take care of a lot. It's exactly 1 week to the hour before I see Ambre again.

Last night was a riot. I need to get in  touch with the lifters before I leave.

For now I'm reading Ochem shirtless in the kitchen. Apart from a few pounds that comes and goes week-to-week I am the most cut I've ever been. It's strange to look at myself and think, physically, I will never look this young or attractive.

I've never liked when people size that up: you're YOUNG. Stop saying that!
No.
Stop attaching any significance to it! I have had experiences enough to stress me to gray hair. I have life in me but anyone reading this has life too. Don't use your age or situation as an excuse for not being what you want to.

I talked to a student about my travel and tenacity meeting people.
 She said "oh to be young again!"
I replied, a bit shortly, that there is no excuse for not doing it right now. Especially because she has a better sense of how to land on her feet.

I have been extremely lucky this past year.

It hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I talked to Marcos, the shy knitting guy, about missing family and getting tired of not having a good solid base of reliable friends around. He wasn't interested in talking about it. That's what I expected.

I am ready for a tame week. Planning. Saying "be right back's" and have no expectations.

Then I'm ready to put all my energy out for Paris. I'll slide into New York with light luggage and a smile on my face. Hopefully I'll know how to grab the bus home by then...soon I'll be with Josh, Sean, Jessica, Janee, Corina, and all the dogs back home. I deeply miss it.

I can do without all my friends and family...but I really kinda like them.

Monday, June 11, 2012

today

Lykke Li's "Tonight" is playing through the speakers of my $300 HP 2000-299WM Notebook PC. This weekend I was a bit lazy. Friday I went out with the guys from the gym. They are good people but subject to the exact same tropes and traps that I am. Bros are bros no matter what country.

We went out with the sexy lifting instructor and her creepily older boyfriend. I'm asking her out today; she suggested that we go to the bar I'm just picking. This week there's nothing holding me back from any social risks. I have a little cash, a little time, and the alternative to being hyperactively social is sitting in my room watching sitcoms and sipping Pauliner. The alternative is so appetizing that I gotta make my social life that much more awesome.

Now I'm listening to "I Know Places" by Lykki Li. I've got in the habit of pounding my mind into positivity every morning with light music. My tendency is to get angry but this catharsis sets me right. Friday night was a perfect example of medium payoff. A group of strangers felt my energy and we had a great night. Unfortunatly the set was good but the setting was bad. We partied on the street for a bit and I met people. Then we moved to the disco where no one could hear anything and we just danced awkwardly in a circle.

I still don't understand why people reason themselves into going to those places. The only excuse I can think of is "everyone is doing it."

They also need to realize that self-consciousness and social constraints are bs. For example, they sat around talking about how badly they wanted the instructor when there was a group of attractive girls around. They pulled me away from two groups of girls with whom I was chatting up and making laugh. They're good guys though. They want to throw me a "welcome back to Madrid" party this September.

One thing  that I should advise people about Spain is that they should be forewarned about the women. They are all good looking. The average is way above the average looking girl in the United States. On the flipside, you don't get the huge genetic variation that there is in the USA. They are mostly brunettes with brown eyes, a perfect ratio of amply shaped breasts, bright smiles, and sensibly large hips.

There hasn't been a Spanish girl that has floored me like the occasional woman in the USA. Maybe because there isn't as much contrast.

Speaking of contrast....

Saturday I laid around and watched TV.

Sunday I laid around and watched more TV. I got up for a few hours to cook, play saxophone, planned a few things, and ran for a half hour to compensate for being so lazy. Not a good tradeoff, but better than nothing. I also talked to Alison and Ambre.

Today I woke up , calmed myself, put on music, folded clothes, cleaned up all the water, wine, beer, and juice containers strewn around my room, watched one (the only one for today) episode of "How I Met Your Mother," ticked down some financial stuff, and drank coffee. I'm about to shower and hit the gym.

I feel no sense of loss or need right now. Looming on the horizon is Paris and my friend. I've grown so much it will be nice to see her and myself hanging out with her. Last summer around her I was everything that I now absolutely hate:

Supplicative, needy, uncomfortable in social situations, unsure of my sexuality, uncertain if people enjoyed my company, out of the moment and in my head, and constantly feeling the need to demonstrate my value through stories and actions...and above all I was obsessed with one girl: Her. I tried to use her at one point to make other girls jealous. I was unable to use a map and uncomfortable travelling by myself (this fact is ASTOUNDING to me now). After getting lost in 15 different cities in 4 different countries I feel like I know a few tricks to planning trips.

Then there's these:

Socialize Unabashedly
Interact Interestedly
Exist Contentedly
Present Positively
Take Lightly
Pursue Assuredly
Be Appropriately, Confidently Sexual
Set Boundaries Firmly
Irritate Slowly
Lead Capably
Live Passionately

My own personal 11 commandments. 


All this stuff I've worked really hard to change. My roommates, my lifting buddies, my coworkers, and the people I go out with have noticed the daily change. It's empowering but I'm never finished.

Today is going to be, by contrast, a great day. I'm going to wrap up some more Paris planning and prepare myself for the trip back home. I'm going into the trip with 0 expectation that the woman I'm travelling with and I will hook up. After the poor, manipulative, self-deprecating show I gave last summer I'm surprised that she even conceded to invite me to her home and spend a week in Paris.

On the flipside, there are a lot of beautiful people in the world and Paris is no exception. I'm positive that I will be out of my head and immersed in the history, culture, sightseeing, exchange of ideas, and air of liberty.

Some events that I have planned so far: Louvre, Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Seine Cruise, Versailles (obviously).
Apart from that the catacombs, infamous "lock-box" toyshop, and Shakespeare Cafe are on my destination list. The food is going to be amazing. My more difficult task will be to try and learn something while I'm there. My greatest fun in Madrid has been meeting people through shared experience. I think that a week of straight sightseeing will be boring if I am not producing something.

Who knows? Maybe it will be a good kick for me to start putting together all these wonderful story fragments I've created?

Regardless, I want to meet up with someone I met in Granada and some people we met from D.C. to hang out. This will be a wonderful transition from this period of growth and self-examination in solitude back to my home where people wouldn't let me reinvent myself. With my new stories and skills I have the "excuse" to be a better person. Something which is difficult when your setting never changes.

Ok. Now I'm off to be productive. Good day!