Monday, November 21, 2011

Today was another day in the factory and bussing tables. Waiting is hard. The memories I have will hopefully be different than the moment.

Right now I feel so desperately impoverished from my surroundings that it's tough to give up hope. I feel like there's a weight in this wait that is a little too much for me to lift by myself.

The rumor now is that people are underemployed for their qualifications. That is a gross exaggeration of my situation. I'm still waiting for the peeps in Madrid to say that everything is OK for me to come...but still...tomorrow I'm going to Chicago to stone-faced tell them that I am going to Spain.

My plans are forked. I have $2,000 saved and can scrimp together $500 more in a week if I must.

A plane ticket to Madrid is $1300 and I have a month before pay if I get the job. If I don't....I'll be there for a week and then be unable to afford a ticket home.

In retrospect...those nights with Amanda weren't worth it. All that time that I spent up thinking about her call or coming hurt me. I was in Ochem at that time and not understanding anything. I have no one but myself to blame for this.

The blame game is where your mind goes when you feel powerless. I can blame so many things on my failure at this moment.

My parents for having me as a pet and neglecting me as a kid while horrible things happened from my brother and other members of my family.

This is negated by the fact that I have so many factors contributing to my success. None the smallest...my benefit from these challenges.

That neglect as a child allowed me to grow an unflinching attitude to immediate adversity. Whenever someone says something to me that hurts, whenever I'm put in a situation where I have to do more than what I should be doing, and whenever some place says they don't need me...I tell them to fuck off. I can handle it. I have had the most frustration any living being could face and felt all emotions in the face of something larger telling me all these things.

I remember one time my brother, bigger and much stronger, told me he would let me play a game if I did his chores. From this...I feverishly vacuumed the living room, washed the dishes, and moved plants. After all my hard work I was denied a reward.

Small incident.

But when this happens to you all the time you start to think of the logic behind it.

What did I do? What did they do so far? What do we get from doing these things?

Now whenever something happens I try, through mindful tact and some physical exertion, to outdo someone else. No one knows how hard that hit me. People just marvel at the results. Anything thrown at me will be met by sharp reason and my creative ability.

The frustrating thing is that i'm here and it's not the place for competition. The only challenge I have is teaching this high school girl chemistry. I do it well.

I feel suffocated here.

This is where the zen should come in. Any situation I'm in should be a reflection. It is an opportunity to better myself. This totally is. I am..

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Scraping off fat is a disgusting affair. It's a bright yellow color. The woman this morning had a layer about an inch thick covering her breastbone. Her plump and featureless form lay pale under a surgical lamp. She was the subject of attention and marvel of several surgeons, assistants, and...recently...myself. "So round" seemed to be the sentiment of everyone in the room. I stood, as a ghost, in the corner and observed.

Waiting is hard. I talked to a DO that I shadowed today. I'm going to try to get in again next week. The artisanship and care is beautiful.