Doll

After another successful quarter of school I have less reflection and more postive feelings about everything thatI'm into right now. A's in my second half, B's in the first. Going camping this upcoming week with Sean and Elze. It should be amazing; Badger has this place picked out that we're going to meet him. It's supposed to be a Shawnee reservation place with caves and a lot of cool stufff to explore.

Some current things about me: my family is staying interesting as always. Corina is still waittressing at Sylvester's, Travis is working at the nursing home. Janee's hours are longer now at the vinyard and John got a domestic violence charge for hitting Michelle in the face. CPS has been called and now they're going to counseling. Dad's not too much in favor of John's significant other...but the whole situation is beyond my control and nothing that I can tie myself up in. Alison saw that it was best to get out of Canton and away from my brother. So far this decision to go away for college has done really good things for me.

I got an email from my mountain woman. I miss her in a sweet way. There is no chance of anything else going on...and it's better this way. I feel like our time together did me well; I hope she got the same out of it. There is a sense of reticent anxiety in her tone, but there needn't be. The attachment that was once in my nature has left.

Dad and I reminisced on the way home about all the girls that I've been with. An overwhelming majority of them have been crazy. As a scientist I would have to say that they are deviating from the norm of social interactions...they do this by expecting or anticipating actions that have no correlation to anything in the past...their imaginations run wild and they expect or perform things that have no significant contribution to their well being.

I have only been with 4 women who weren't crazy. Far too many who are. From accusations that result in serious consequences to childish games that mean I'm burning a bridge...these are not the kind of people I want.

Nor can I really say that I tend toward the promiscuity charactaristic of our youth. I am not expecting the unrealistic hookup on a regular weekend basis. A nice partner would be the best.

I haven't thought about girls for a while. Pushed them aside mentally in their potential for partnership...until I saw a quarter book I couldn't pass up. It's from Fromm and it talks about love. It says that brotherly love is that of companionship between equals, motherly love is that of nurturing pity and condolance, but erotic love is one of wholeness and assimilation. It means that you enjoy another person that you want to take them in to yourself. This was my time with the appalacian girl. She drank in what I knew about love, science, philosophy, and my social scene. In return I got a sharp dose of independent thought, tenacious passion, and a renewed sense of casting off bullshit.

Our brief relationship drove me to seek the brotherly companionship of Badger...and our other hippie comrades. This opposite side has given me the confidence and direction that I lost when I was suspended from school.

I am a smart human. I have a short but muscular build with a bit of the signs of dionyssian pleasure hanging around my waist for brief periods of time (during which I take up fanatical running routines to get back to a flat stomach and healthy feeling). As far as our capacity to learn and create: I am at the helm. A rennaissance man, I feel that I can acquire any skill readily and use it aptly. It has taken me 1 week in the lab what it takes others 2 or 3.

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and I know where it is. My shortcomings are easily seen. Sometimes I can be short-tempered though I mean well. My interactions with other naked apes end quickly sometimes when I refuse to circumvent meaning for aesthetics. Most of all I have this underlying feeling of inadequacy that is instilled by the culture that I was raised in.

Here lies my latest revelation: a quote from the pope. I'll elaborate tomorrow.