Motivation

2 years and 3 months ago I was watching her walk away; the emotions in my chest were so mixed. There was thorough delight at meeting her and utter chaos when I was thinking about letting that night slip away...trading 3 hours of sleep for a night together.
I wasn't even tired.
My suitcase had a stuck handle, and I tried to pretend this wasn't any issue as I strutted toward the terminal.

Terminal. That's what I thought it was. However, we have been emailing. The emails oscillate in frequency, but now are more rapid than before. I am planning a trip against my better judgment to visit her in France November 20th.

This might be a rash desire for that physical sensation of touch or the emotional intercourse of stimulating conversation. After my spring adventures with the tall Appalachian woman other things just can't measure up.

I went out with several girls this week. Monday night was amazing; the conversation was witty and there was a light feeling at the end of the night. Thursday was an excuse for a conversation with one-sided explanations of her dogs for a significant amount of time. I had known this girl before, but badly needed reminding of why she and I are completely incompatible.

There was another, unmemorable.

Friday was a mistake. Monday night's company got a 4 loko and started a shouting match with me...I didn't shout back at all. After that episode I'm probably not going to talk to her anymore.

Right now it is cold. Accompanying the temperature change is a natural decline in activity. I don't know the specifics of the endocrinology behind it...but I know how it feels to go into winter depressed.

I feel for my roommate, he lost someone close. That's really all I can say. It is rough not having him around for a full week, but I hope everything that needed to happen for him has happened.

Death is a rough thing.

Some things can be worse.

I emailed my grandfather this morning. At this point lying has become a numb habit for me. The wet plaster of my masquerade has since hardened and would be too painful to remove. I'm sure that the lies will suffocate me if I don't confront them eventually. I'm sure there is a time. I will know when it arrives.

In the meantime I am confronted with a dilemma: where do I allocate my resources? The trip to France is reckless and will exhaust my resources, time, and energy.

I think it would be worse if I don't go though.

Senior year has come with its share of disappointments and disillusionment. Overall I have a confident feeling that I have done everything possible in college to succeed. The gpa could always be higher, the parties could have been wilder, and I could have made a lot more friends; however, I feel like getting a sense of self independent of stereotypes is far more valuable than a false sense of identity.

As I type I realize that my fingers are going against the plaster on my face. Today after a short nap I realized that my loneliness stems from an incessant perceived need to lie. Human behavior is intricate, and can be difficult at times, but this is what I'm trying to understand.

This introspective writing is intended to help me understand myself. How do I act? What am I doing? Why am I not studying Spanish right now?

I am going to do everything in my power to, with caution, get to France. This includes going home this weekend. I'll hunt the rideboard right now.