I feel the sinews of my body tensing every moment as I progress toward tomorrow. Every breath carries that deadly and beautiful mother oxygen to my tissues. Most importantly...my neurons keep kicking in the same way they've been as the years past.

Things are different now though. I had never thought that things could go this well. So many frustrated nights were spent working...like a mad poet or artist...learning my craft. There has been a lot of pain and moments where my heart felt like it was so heavy that the world would claim it as its own. Again and again I push myself toward what I think and feel is right. Often, I had no clarity as to what I was doing....or why.

The pieces all are falling into place. Sometimes they go naturally and sometimes I force them. The past 2 months before August were saturated with studying and work. Stripping barbed wire, bussing tables, serving food, washing dishes, planting things in the hot sun...all of it was taken into my conscious experience like water. Now my dendritic spines are arranged and arraigned in my hippocampus to, when prompted, relive those moments of difficult striving.

Now I'm in a bus. It is comfortable and I'm sitting next to a strange but pleasant companion. In a way, this is as much work as carving that clay to house the plants that I wanted so badly to put into the earth.

It takes a brand of open-palmed clinging in order to survive in this lifestyle. The first two weeks of August were spent in uncertainty and anxiety. What is my relation to Ambre? Where will I go after this month? What the hell did I get on the MCAT? Is everything going to be OK with Spain? Can I afford all this? Will the dark-eyed woman and I just have isolated memories of each other? Wha...? What is Love and how do I interact with people? How should I feel about what I'm doing? Where is God?

Now I have some more answers and more questions. I'm still assured of my strength and plasticity...but still unsure of the best course of action.

First I'll put down what I know now.

I know that the God of affirmative logic and my youth is an instrument of intolerance that placates the minds of people who would otherwise be loving, productive, and contented with their status. It propagates greed and fear of death. It is a tool for self-advancement.

I know now that my God is one of Love. I should ask nothing from it and pretend to know nothing of it. Paradoxical logic will explain better the non-being of God. The words of Jesus Christ should be followed and, as I know him, he was the physical embodiment of Love. I don't think that the secret name "Jesus Christ" is the password to a place of angels and gold streets. I don't claim to know but I understand through opposites that Love is what should flow through me because it gives life.

This should be my labor: be mindful of where I am, practice the teachings of Jesus Christ without condemnation or condescension to those who practice differently, lead by example and precept those around me to be more loving and productive, refrain from excess that destroys the integrity of the vessel that contains my consciousness, and pursue Love that I may be lovable...not for any other reason.

I know that eroticism, though extremely satisfying and something which I strive to master, should not be taken lightly or executed without a feeling of connection. Performing this without the heart voids the action of its intimate meaning.

I know that I'm an amazing applicant to medical schools and that I will be sharp wherever I land.

I don't know the best course to get the greatest return for my effort.

I don't know what will happen with the dark-eyed woman. I know that I care for her and look forward to our every meeting. The fact that I know her gives me a lot of joy.

I know that Ambre and I are friends and nothing more. At first I was discontent with this fact but I'm glad that we had a spat about it. It gave me a new perspective regarding human interactino. I shouldn't take myself too seriously but need to where it really counts.

I was shocked to see that I am among the top 1-5% of the writers that have taken the MCAT. For the longest time I thought that I was horrible at timed essays but, thankfully, this proves that I am not.

I know that I can accept a multitude of AmeriCorps positions and would be benefitted by this. I'm not sure the best way to go about this though.

I know I need to meet with my advisor to sort this out.