Sunday, October 30, 2011

halloween

A little tired from a long night of hanging out with good friends in Kent. My car got stuck in the yard this morning and it took 8 people to get it out. The yard was torn up afterward.

Tonight I'm watching the walking dead with Corina and Travis. Melissa might be coming over to hang out. I'm hungry and tired.

Right now I am at peace. There's no music really for this moment.

Working this week and maybe next before I leave Heat Surge. If I get shadowing opportunities before then I'll be out this week. I'm biting my nails about medical school. I know when I get in I'll tear it up. The outside world kinda bores me. I need new information.

I have raccoon makeup on and my busser outfit. Showering.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

tunnels and sunlight

It's a beautiful Saturday morning. A wearied governor lays in his bed and is startled awake by a white German Shepherd. The crick in his neck is from carrying furnaces on his head. The dryness in his mouth is from the beer he drank by himself watching a horror movie, too tired to go out. Sore chest, tight shoulders, and an aching back remind him that a fourteen hour day has its price.

The travel of August seems like forever ago. Right now I'm living the theory of contrast. I need to keep my head to the ground to really be able to look up at the sky. Bryan Adams and I smoke cigarettes on break and reminisce about our lives and bask in the irony of the situation. He is a special forces veteran trying to get a foothold in his place in the states.

There's also Charles. He's a playboy with dark skin and gold teeth. The first day he and John, our preacher, argued the finer points of scripture. Bryan talked about the illuminati while I just did my job and screwed the face plates and top units before Charles stuffed the plastic on them and boxed them.

The grist... It's a beautiful life to think about but living it is hard. $8.50 an hour for 40 hours a week. Heavy labor and light assembly is my job category. Then I work 15 hours as a busboy for $7.40. Overall, I save $350 a week to the bank. There's a split advantage to bussing. I make a decent amount of tips...like $25 for a 5 hour shift on average. That money goes to gas, food, confections to get me through the day, and gifts for others. My bank account rests at $1,000 and I have $400 coming in from this week and $350 coming from next week. On top of this I do odd jobs for my sister at the vineyard. $9.00 per hour. I have 33 hours unpaid I think. That's going in the bank.
The most refreshing work, beside the vineyard where I've met a nice woman to spend time with, has to be tutoring. Right now I tutor a bright eyed South Asian who speaks fluent English and has a good intuition about chemistry. That pays $18.75 per hour through a website but I will soon be making $20 cash. Not sure what to do with that $20...maybe I should start a fund for martial arts or dancing. Those get shoved aside because I'm so tired after work that I just want to sit. Reading has declined, sax is almost stopped, and I never go out. Contrast.

It's strange to see my life up here on a screen as a commodity. Is my life really worth $8.50 per hour or $20 per hour? I hate that. I love tutoring because it is an act of mutual respect, care, and artisanship. Her education is my goal and it's something I care about because she supports me.

My parents are out of town. It's great to have the house to myself. I'm listening to eminem, undisturbed drinking an extra strong bustelo coffee. Scout misses them.

I see this, in a crude metaphor, as a tunnel through which I'm running. My own pace dictates how quickly I progress but the world alone can tell me when I'm out. Summer was like this. An extremely fun 30 days filled with education, drama, frustration, elation, and intrigue. Before that I was working in the blistering sun planting and bussing tables. Studying the MCAT and writing to a lover who was slipping away. I lost my phone and convinced myself that there was no one worth talking to because I would get distracted. Now I have a phone and no one to call.

There is light though. This Tuesday I'm interviewing to volunteer at Mercy again. I'm going to Dr. Schiowitz to get a recommendation and some more shadowing experience. Today I'm mailing that background check to get authenticated in another D.C. office. However, I have my chips down in South America January 17th if Spain doesn't work out. No matter what, I have 3 months left in the tunnel at most. At least I have a month.

Right now I'm listening to techno and thinking about my lack of creative outlets.

That's a lie.

I've always discounted this voyage of discovery that I embody in these texts. Joyce compared the act of creation to that of urine excretion...the metaphor is crass but has some truth to it. You've ingested something and it emerges from you. However, the intimacy that this liquid has in your body is expunged when it leaves you. It is warm at first...then it is a putrid substance conducive to rancid bacterial growth and capable of harm to those around.

My experience is intimate to me. I pay for it with my hours and years and then create this to satiate my need to excrete something. Then I abandon it. Maybe the work will take on a life of its own and affect others in a different way. Not make them sick...hopefully.

This metaphor also speaks to my struggle with time. What is to say that the "me" of today is the same "me" of tomorrow? On a molecular level...I'm not me. My genes don't change (excluding those pesky occasional somatic mutations) but with each meal I'm switching the carbons in and out of my biochemical pathways. With each urination I get rid of the nitrogen and so forth.

This is where I think a little more abstract: this applies to thought too. Each experience switches out a preconception or idea that we've had. The response I would have to female rejection right now is drastically different to that of five years ago. I would lash out and deconstruct her problems in front of her and attempt to make her feel angry and foolish for her actions. Now, I nod and smile. Maybe tell a joke. My personality now is one of understanding, waiting, and forgiveness. I have moments where I just want to showcase what I'm doing to people I care about or want to impress...but I find that listening is the way to learn. I've heard my story told enough times...and I don't like hearing myself talk.
So yes. I have only an abstract and theoretical connection to the young man who was suspended from school for behaving like a fool that night. His lesson is always in my head though. I am only me in the moment. This makes me tend toward the behaviorist theories about identity, which kind of excludes it. Stimulus-->Response. Right?

This bustelo is butt kicking coffee. It takes forever to brew because it's so finely ground. I might just be an idiot and be drinking espresso through a coffee machine...whatever though. It's good.

The leaves outside are changing. It's dry and cold in this house. The plastic heads showing off their jewelry sit gawking at me. My family is strange. I love them though. This time at home is making me more and more at peace with the nature of my upbringing and the course of my future...whatever that means.

My family sure has its flaws. Who doesn't though.

Alright. I've excreted enough for one day. It's time to start doing my application for Midwestern.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I'm feeling strange these days.

The highlight of my evening is checking my mail. I spend 40 hours a week assembling and packing cheap amish fireplaces and fixing faulty Chinese wiring. I bus tables at a fancy restaurant. Right now I pull $400 a week and only spend $50. It's more money than I've had.

Today they sent an older woman back to box with Mike, Jeff, Keith and I. The experience is so different than what I'm used to but I wanted this. I wanted a taste of the "real world" and now I've got more than I can handle.

On the plus side: I'm interviewing at the hospital and have the green light for my dreams.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It has been an interesting past week. Nose to the grindstone again. I feel like today I got the pieces back together my way. I went to a full day of work in assembly. Tomorrow I will do a full day of assembly and a 6 hour shift at the restaurant. It feels great getting down to this sort of work.

Now, reducing the incredible intermittent experience to a few numbers: Say $320 per week at the factory for the next three weeks? Say $100 per week from the restaurant (that's what I'll actually retain from all the cash that goes through my hands) $1260 in the next three weeks. By then I will probably be done with this work and on to something else. That's enough for my plane ticket after taxes. That puts me in November. I'm thinking that I might have to shoot for four months instead of 6 because I won't have the money to stay there that long.

In the meantime I worked a very interesting day with some great people. Charles. Bryan. John. Black construction worker from inner city Canton. Pudgy baby faced ex military from Tusc. Balding man from Canton. The conversation drifted to some interesting masonic mythology and politics. Religion dabbled into the discourse. It was a great 8 hours of talking. Between the four of us we have a lot of interesting experience. For the most part the balding man ran his mouth about Christianity being the one true religion and Democrats endorsing slavery. It was really immature but I realize that, if any of it, this is what needs to be talked about. However, when I try to bring up a study or statistic that I had come across it was quickly replied to by an anecdote or hypothetical statistic.

I had a great night with a woman the other night. For the most part Fromm and the professor were in my head all night. They convinced me to open up a bit and a great night resulted. We're meeting up this upcoming Sunday. Tomorrow there will be Trivia. I have a job request from a biology employment service.

Right now I'm listening to angry rap and I'm about to go home to lift weights. Then I'll probably drink some gin and watch something informational. I need closure, a city, a better job, and certainty. Again, the prattles in the back of my head says: you have the simple beauty of Massillon, you know that your MCAT went through and med schools will come if you wait, you have an interest in a woman, you have a close job that's above minimum wage.

$1260 into November. That's not including random weekends working with my sister. I have a few hundred dollars stashed away in that area. I have $355 in the bank and $150 in uncashed checks. I'm making it slowly but certainly.

I'm a little shell shocked by being locked into something again. Summer showed me that I can blast through money like nothing if I so choose. However, I have to make this last and make this work. I'm in "zero spend mode" where I don't touch my cards for anything small. If I need beer, gas, coffee, food, or anything else...it comes out of the cash from my tips. I don't go out much because of that but this is a good thing because I spend next to nothing.

Right now I'm seeing a good girl who is the exact balance of intellect, fun, and interest that I want. What's better, she's not a flitter. It's like I get to build experience with her.

Interesting that I look at these blogs before I started killing the demonic angels of the impressions of my former lovers. Daily past the start of junior year I thought less of kts and struggled with insecurity. I think I lost all mysticism for that thought with a quiet night in the barn with a pale, skinny, sickly beauty that thought I fiercely loved and missed. When I brought my head back up I realized that it was just conjecture. Then there was the fiery and endless lovemaking with the jubilant woman.

She is going through a rough time now that she's left. I miss her and want to comfort her. At the same time I realize that she needs to not spring into the arms (harm) of any man but make sensible choices. I don't know what gives me that authority...it's certainly not age.

Anyways. I had a great time this past Friday night with all my friends. The scuzzy dudes came out and we got down with senselessly deep but senseless conversations.

I need to get up from this chair and curl some weights or I'm going to go crazy. My body feels like it needs sex on a regular basis. There is probably a lot of truth to that. Dopamine improves mood and allows for control of movement. Yeah. My neurochem is rusty. this morning I learned a little lipid chemistry. It's interesting.

Yes. Weights. Now.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Isolation and Death

As of late I have been in a different state: unwanted isolation. Here's what has been happening recently:
Work at a cheese factory for a solid 48 hour work week.
Released to alternative employment.
I will miss the screaming nurse and the cheese presses. The smells and machinery is unforgettable. Smells like cold steel and feeling of warm whey as I slam tanks together and line them with cloth for product to press.
Microbiologist: $8 an hour. Factory worker $10 an hour. Yikes.
$10 an hour to clean the filters on activated sludge tanks with a bunch of chain smokers and farm boys. Putrid smells and covered in muck but the work is rewarding.
Released from that job. Took a temp position in a door factory at $8.75 per hour. Twisted ankle at four in the morning took me out of that job. Now I'm bussing the necropolis only. Working in vineyards. Met a nice older buddhist as the hostess is leaving my sphere of reality. Mixed feelings but overall I'm feeling stoic about this relationship. I know we're not right for each other but right now it seems right so I'm going with it.

So here I am. Far from my goals. It's 79 and sunny in fair Madrid where I thought I would be working. An illusion that broke late August when all the phones were silent. Spain was on vacation when I wanted to hear a definitive "yes" for work and a "I'm sorry" for the runaround. Instead I took a step back.

If I could talk to myself at the beginning of the summer I would say a few things:
Don't leave your phone on the hood of the car!
I missed out on some important dialogue with a skinny brunette that I cared more about than I thought. I lost out on some quality time with the fraternity by burying my head in 60 hour work weeks and scheduling a trip.
Don't go out for the summer!
Losing all that money in the name of experience was foolish. I cherish the memories but I could be, arguably, better suited for medical school at this moment and better trenched in employment by now. My interaction with the French woman was neither profound nor satisfying in the way I expected it and it was impossible to repeal those expectations. The dark eyed woman had all I wanted in the way of intellectual intrigue, sexual satisfaction, and playful contentment. Grabbing that phantom of a transatlantic romance was a horrible misstep on my path. I learned from the experience of a mistake.
Don't apply for Spain!
With one foot in the door for medical school and AmeriCorps itching for my signature onto a project of which I was passionate...I slammed the door (catching my foot). $1000 per month seems paltry...but it's better than the resume-killing temp jobs that I'm doing right now and the insecure soul-draining factory work which I must do now. I passed up an opportunity to do real and lasting good for the opportunity to have an epic experience in another country. Had I stuck to AmeriCorps I could have taken the summer with Ambre guilt-free because I had the net of a great job and the security that I will be able to be with her in France after my term was up. I would have been close to the dark eyed woman and all my fraternity brothers. Instead I am floundering to convince an AmeriCorps post to overlook my lack of a month service in their year-round-only programs.
Get a temp job in the summer!
Landscaping was satisfying for one week but then the $7.40 for inconsistent work requiring my truck and no paid gas...killed a lot of what I could have been earning.
If we look back a far ways: Apply earlier!

To look back gives me anguish. The losses of time, life, power, and knowledge are something to grieve endlessly. However, the moment is beautiful. A well-weathered woman wants me. I am in the cushion of suburban security with a baseline job that gives me $200 per week. I have a great opportunity with Janee to make intermittent cash working with attractive women and interesting friends at the vineyard. The pay is good, there is food, and I can talk to people who interest me while being outside and harvesting wine grapes.

Toward the future I have another fork in the road: South America or Australia. The French girl would not be my focus in Australia but I could actually be close to her while procuring employment. Loans are tricky: I need to pay them while I am in South America. Right now I'm setting aside money to do this.
Here comes the list:

Australia
Exotic spp
Adventure
Some contacts
No Spanish
Cash

South America
Exotic Spp
Adventure
Spanish
No money
No contacts
Better resume builder

Right now I'm in the tank for both. It's the 3rd of October. I'm in Massillon. All my friends are gone and I have a shredded ankle. It's gloomy outside. January 16th I will leave for one or the other. Right now I don't know. Applications for medical schools are out and I'm waiting. No matter how impressive I may be it still comes down to this: who gets in first?

The numbers and resume looks good: Roughly 3.5 GPA with heavy bio, Spanish, chemistry, and English coursework. 31S MCAT score. Three science recommendations (Ochem, micro, and biology profs. one on a very personal level) and one nonscience (Spanish literature and criticism). Two hospital volunteer experiences, study abroad work, a full course and paid time in the lab, two years tutoring, and a lot of real world experiece. Some shadowing experience. A misconduct in my behavior followed by a clean record and good community involvement.

Just give me a look into the future and I'll grin through the work as I barrel toward the future but right now all I see is mistakes. It felt good listening to the man on the phone though: You need a 22 MCAT and a 2.7 GPA to be considered for interview or secondaries. I'm running circles around those requisites but soooo edgy waiting.

I miss friends! I have Christa until Thursday but after that I'm on my own. I will call the professor, Brandon, Bethani, and Jeff tonight to try to hang out with someone. Community is essential to keep positive. I'm sure we could have some good times together. I just need to keep myself and others from isolation and death.