Rearranging

Optics are really fascinating. We really don't understand light. It is pure energy that behaves like a wave and a particle at the same time. When calculating optics we treat it as a ray. Trying to understand light has led us to question what we know about the nature of any particle or collection of matter. Light's identity crisis is fascinating.

Right now the light is glancing off the palm tree's leaves in my bedroom in Madrid. The view never was very spectacular from my place but, nonetheless, I love my room. It is ordered and clean. A place for everything...and everything in its place...

It's strange that I can't do the same for my relationships with other people. I try. There are coworkers, lovers, love interests, friends, my teachers, my students, and bosses. That's easy to compartmentalize. We work together, we make love, we look forward to making love, we pass time and share experience, I learn from them, they learn from me, and I listen to them respectively.

As that light pours through my window in the afternoon hours I wonder to myself what these boundaries and boxes mean. I will obviously never cross them. For some, however, they can't exist because the "i" is the only variable that suits them.

Right now I'm thinking about someone in my present who, for both our faults, has changed circumstance. Our interaction has given me sustainence, confusion, elation, occasional despair, and endless opportunities to learn. We're on the opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean at the moment. However, like light waves, this person still exudes an exciting effect on me. The inspiration that I get from them has permeated my writing, creeps to my consciousness when playing saxophone, and causes me to strive for perfection in everything I do.

I don't feel like I must go far. The asymptotic race toward perfection is, for me, nearing the speed of light. I now have a gym that is 2 minutes from my house which I have gone to every day for the past week. My dancing abilities in the salsa arena are progressing and I'm finding more and more opportunities to practice. Meanwhile I'm seeing my ability to blend in and stand out change with my mood. Knowing this, I've found ways to keep my mood up and grow every day.

With my headphones strapped on I'm learning optics (if you can't tell by the intro), some French, metabolic biochemistry, and neuroscience. With them off I'm practicing my Spanish and enjoying every second of this cultural epicenter.

There are odd moments and setbacks, of course, but each one lets me know what to improve in the future. For the first half of March I kept a budget. Unfortunately, I lost my trial period for Microsoft Excel. I also lost my PowerPoint abilities. So, I found a way around those two by using googledocs. I have half a month's wages to spend exclusively on my trip to Portugal this Saturday.

I'm sure that this travel will accelerate my pace of experience and discovery in Europe. Only occasionally do I find myself killing time on the internet on rapid stimulation sites like Cracked.com or FailBlog.org.

My goals for April: I will send $500 back to the USA in preparation for second round applications, I will continue to work out daily, I will continue my budgeting and keep with it on Google, I will continue interacting every chance I get with the people of Madrid, I will go to free French lessons on Thursdays, I will continue going out almost every night to new places, I will visit France, the Czech Republic, and Morocco, I will continue learning salsa, my lessons will continue to progress in interactivity and efficiency, I will finally get around to learning a bit of calculus, I will stop studying psychology and focus on physics and chemistry, I will continue playing sax every day, I will continue to pressure my schools to give me worthwhile and consistent students, and I will call my mother more. All this seems reasonable.

I have accomplished a lot this month. My students' English is much better. I have no problems collecting information from people or navigating maps. I run into awkward situations (like accidentally going into a brothel without knowing it...note: if there is a neon sign and no windows then DO NOT ENTER).

Actually, I'll go into detail about last night a bit. I got done with my lesson, rearranged my room, worked out, ate dinner, then debated going to the intercambio. I decided to scope out the local club scene instead. It was great. I went to the "little bull" restaurant and met Marcos and Marina as well as introduced myself to the wait staff. After that I went to Cafe Moliere to see some free card tricks. I talked to the wait staff there as well to familiarize myself with the place a bit more.

Then I decided to go to a bar right next to my house with no windows and a neon sign of a girl with bangs draped over one eye. I asked the barkeep what kind of bar it was (I thought "pub" or "night club" or "salsa bar" would be the answer) and he said "bar de copas. con chicas." Literally this means "bar of cups. with girls." In my head this means "bar where we serve individual beers and have plenty of mixed company to hang out with." What it actually means is "at this place you buy an overpriced beer then girls will rub themselves on you and grab you asking you to buy them a drink. once you do (the drink is 20-30 euro for some reason) they take you to the back."

Not sure what happens at the back. Not sure why the price of the beer is variable. Not sure I want to know. The first person I talked to was nice. She was a good looking ecuadorian woman with a bright smile. In retrospect it's really funny that I didn't know what was going on at first. When she came uncomfortably close I pulled away and she followed me. She asked if I wanted to buy her a drink and I thought "man, she's trying really hard to get this drink. That's the third time she asked. I'm still not sure why it was 8 euro..." I said "sure." She stopped me and said "it's more expensive for me." I slid her my beer and said "I'm good without it." She rolled her eyes and said "es un bar de copas." In my head this really meant nothing but "it's a bar of cups." I still don't know if that's a weird thing there or normal.

She called her heavy black coworker over to explain to me in English. She yelled "you buy drink. go back. have sex." At this point it subtly dawned on me that this was a place I didn't want to be. I told her no thanks. She pointed at her friend and said "you don't like?"

"It's not that I don't like her. I just don't do that sort of thing. I thought this was a regular bar..." They laugh.

So: Neon signs in the USA that have poolsticks, martini glasses, people, beer brands, or whatever else...are fine. Dimly lit bars are cool.

In Spain: Stick to the Irish pubs, as clearly labeled, or the brightly lit bars with windows.

So again we're talking about light.

I remember the cold winter of December where Jason and I were skittering around Canton looking for bars to go to. There was a neon sign that said "Budweiser" through the midst of the festivities. It's always a grand thing when people are out in Canton. It's like something dead blossoms and you see what it's capable of. I deeply miss my family.

Tonight I believe I'm going out with a lovely green-eyed Spaniard for a show. I have some American friends in town as well who are supposed to meet up with me for a little tour of the non-touristy areas in Madrid.

Breaking away is blaring through my speakers right now. I wish I could move my family here. I'm arranging a university visit in the Czech Republic for an English speaking medical school.

I am turning 23 soon. My live has been very long and fulfilling. More trials are to come. For this, I am thankful.