I have stuck by the "buy no cigarette" rule for March. I have been in the gym 18 our of the last 20 days. It's really strange that I feel more capable than I did in college. I'm not sure what it is but I can do more sets and don't really ever want to stop working out. I did a half hour of cardio today after a lift. Last time I was this apt to be fit was when I was gaming judo and enjoying some time together with women this past spring and summer.
As strange as this sounds...I'm finally learning how to talk to people. Up until I came over to Spain I was always negging and dodging people to stay comfortable. It's strange that wallflower girls get a fair amount of attention now and again...but a man who doesn't act from a frame of understanding and assurance is uncomfortable to be around.
I noticed this definitively after studying psychology two weeks ago in preparation to go out to the bars. A girl I met and opened up was shy at first but eventually playful. Overall, I felt good about the interaction. She introduced me to a mixed group of guys and girls from England and Spain. Everything was good.
Then I met a man who would not stop looking at the ground. It was something similar to what the girl was doing but I felt different. He was shifty and unsure of himself. It looked incredibly familiar because it was what I used to do in the states. I would go to a bar with my friends, go somewhere to talk, and think about how weird it was to be there. The guy made me uncomfortable just by carrying himself as such...even though there was nothing else strange about the conversation.
I really want to meet someone who peaks my interest here. I've had a lot of luck with social circles as long as I keep a secure, witty, and open vibe. However, that abruptly stops when I let it go. What I'm trying to do now is make that my personality.
They say people don't really change. I don't think that's true entirely. Given a different atmosphere, nutrition, and behavioral pattern...your personality can shift to something far less abrasive to be around. I bet when I go back to the states that people will notice that the way I feel about myself has changed.
There's some advice that this psychology podcast has given me: get out of your head! I've taken to the idea that I should think of my feet when I'm talking to someone. Can I feel them? If I can't then I'm too worried about what I'm going to say. The mind leads the body. The body leads the mind. Not heidonism...but being in the moment is most important.
Cutting out bread wasn't entirely successful. I had a baguette the other day. I felt heavy afterwards.
My budget has slipped in the past few days because I can't download another trial of excel and I don't want to pay several hundred dollars for microsoft office. I'm thinking about switching to google but all my stuff is locked in. We'll see where that goes.
I wasn't expecting to get paid by the other places where I worked. It was nice to have an extra 150 euros in my account. My lessons are all going very well despite some of them being very far out.
From time to time I think about my journey here. I look at the scar on my left arm and think about those dreadful nights frantically feeding the upper class politicians, businessmen, and professionals. I remember the excruciating burn that I endured when I hastily grabbed a plate to rest on my arm... bringing it to a table...I wouldn't put down because I had no time. The hair is slowly growing back.
I remember smashing my hands in the cheese factory trying to slam the containers back together. I remember the soreness in my neck and back as I shelled thousands of coins for a company that conned dementia patients into spending their retirement funds. In the contrast of today...I'm saddened by the thought that people live the way they do.
I had a thought today when I was lifting: the rhetoric used by the conservative party in the USA right now employs apocalyptic stories of control, delusional ignorance, and a dreadfully uninhabitable world. At the same time the sponsors of the conservative media propagate the industries that keep us from realizing how to live independent of each other. Put me down in a country with water, seeds, and some animals and I know vaguely what to do to live. Bring my sisters along and between the three of us we're fine.
However, I consider the regular alternative to our strange family. People don't know how to make their own food. Many have never killed an animal. Almost none know how to sanitize and preserve things to keep healthy. When the oil runs out and we have no choice but to either drastically change our way of life or die due to lack of resource transportation then the people, who were just told that preserving an unsustainable multinational industry is the only way to assure that they're not enduring mind control, will be in for an awakening.
This is just something I see.
I have a cabinet full of gin, vermouth, and champagne. No cigarettes. Just a wonderfully large room above a theatre. I have oranges and teaching materials. 200 euros in my pocket and 700 in the bank. Next month I will have 1300 more. I am no longer scrubbing decomposed cheese product off filter membranes in the sewer system and I am not working as a busboy. Life is paradise right now.
I just can't say enough that everything is ending soon and we have to appreciate the beautifully complex chemical configuration that is "the now."
I've been thinking about the people of my past...some I miss dearly and want to reconnect with. Others...I'm glad they've washed out to sea.
Anyways...I'm going to eat, shower, knit, connect with some people, and hit this beautiful town for the evening. I'm going to Galicia tomorrow.
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