in heat

Last night was all too well-known to me. There was a little wandering and some lesson planning. There was a goal that I never reached but had fun trying. There was a little more wandering.

I got a drink at the Tabacalera before heading out to meet up with an old coworker. She texted me "I'll be a little late...we're coming back from the mountains." I went out to find my goal again.

I guess I should clarify: Being from Ohio country I have a few values that are permanently instilled in me. One of these is the culture of brewing and appreciating good beer. There's variety and subtle tastes that I love to explore with friends while dulling the senses...deeply enjoying the benevolent company of those around me.

With 5 types of lager, lager, and ...  lager I have been going a bit stir crazy. Yesterday I set out to find a store that had a good selection of drinks from Belgium, Germany, and the USA. I never found it. I went on the metro back to my home but stopped in to a chino store to grab some lager and found a German pilsner. I decided to buy it and try it. It was fantastic.

I chatted with my roommates then went to bed. It was a relaxed day. There was no pressure to get anything done. Today I am paying my last months rent. As I walked yesterday I thought of great ways to improve my satisfying life.

Location

Walking around the Lavapies area I saw a pleasant mixture of tourists, vibrant youths, and immigrants. At the moment I feel like all three of those. Barrio Salamanca doesn't suit me well however. Maybe I just need to go out more often.

Today I have a few goals:
1) Retrieve my book from a tutoring service place
2) Plan out my night lesson at the private school
3) Learn French for at least 1 hour
4) Cook
5) Work out
6) Meet up with Tom for a pint of microbrew at this new bar I found
7) Work out again
8) Watch 1 episode of American Horror Story
9) Pay the rent
10) Budget next month and trip this weekend to Santiago

I want to squeeze kempo and salsa in there but I'm not sure where they could fit.

Anyways let's get to the interesting stuff: emotional states, past behavior, and how I'll improve...

Friday night I skipped out on knitting club, worked out, and watched superhero movies. Admittedly this isn't the greatest idea but when you want to save money it's a good idea to stick to home.

The night night I went out with Jacky to see the Avengers. The movie was fun, mindless, and exactly what I expected.

Then we went out to wander the streets to pick a bar and park. We had some wine and olives on a perfectly warm night. I got hungry and decided to head home so as to not spend too much money.

She has been a good friend, a bit tweaky at times, but consistent and loyal. It's the perfect place for us. Besides, she's going to Dublin aaand said that it's fine for me to stay with her for St. Patrick's day. I can't argue with that.

Shamelessly, I'm going to, for the next half hour, meditate on success and failure in the realm of sex and love.  I find it interesting that I'm not panging for companionship as I once did. Sophomore year of college I would think about the cold bed and feel guilt, fear, and longing. Now I get a sense of eager anticipation followed by a curious indifference.

If you asked me last year I would tell you that I thought Madrid was going to be a crazy festival with girls everywhere, literature, occasional clubs, intellectual discussion, and a relationship.

As I wrote this line I realized what my development has done. If you talked to me last year I would have blasted you with the interview "Where are you from? What do you do? How long are you in town? What do you do for fun? ... ... ... What are your thoughts on ... ... ..." and followed it up with an accurate judgement of you as a person. I would have demonstrated my knowledge of science and philosophy by challenging you with a couple questions then I would have left the interaction feeling like it went well.

Now I go to the opposite end. On a good night, I will talk about absolutely nothing in that style. Comedy, intrigue, and a very small bit of information are what I go for. I still should probably open up just a little more, now that I think about it.

My life has just been so full of insane events, challenges, and opportunities for growth that I have trouble choosing which person to let people know. There's frat guy, uptight scientist, philosopher, hippie, deadbeat, artist (music and poetry), teacher, jock, or hick. I'm comfortable being all of them.

Anyways, I realize now how much I took for granted the friends I had. Masked in didactic thought exercises I would cut them down in my mind for not taking their school as seriously as I did. The factory helped me blunt that horrible instinct. Now I feel as if it is all gone. I'm ready to appropriately expose my real self incrementally to someone who I see fit.

At the same time I know that I am really happy with all this time to myself. I work out daily and spend a lot of time learning and planning things that I want to do.


 (Graphic part coming up. Stop reading if you're related to me... or don't want to know too much about me)







I do miss having sex all the time though. I mean...all the time. When I'm in bed with a woman with whom I'm emotionally involved...it has to happen at least twice. The first time is like a handshake...like I'm just getting to know them. It's usually a bit quicker and awkward. Then we lay and talk (this is where I usually screw up... ask me about my worst pillow talk lines sometime). Then after 10-15 round two lasts as long as we want it to.

In the best relationships I've had we will make love at least 4 times: twice before we go to sleep, once when we wake up, and once again after coffee. It's just fun.

The craziest one we would, literally, go all night. There were nights where we would start in the evening 11ish then go on and off until 6 a.m. came with the birds and left us both physically exhausted. We'd change positions, walk freely naked in the barn with the moonlight peering across the field. There would be twinkling fireflies, a touch of mosquitoes, a light fire in the kettle, and a spread of lumpy pillows and mostly clean sheets.

Other times, when I was younger, I'd take girls away from the barn parties I'd host to a nearby field and just talk. After an hour of just talking we would put our arms around each other and think about the stars we were viewing. It's amazing what a woman will tell you when she's out alone with you in a field.

That same field hosted me with the most important love of my short life. A nice night with a gentle mist of rain forced us to take cover in our nearby chicken coop. We held, talked, kissed, and made love unashamed  beneath the moonlight. The sound of crickets, bullfrogs, and strange creatures couldn't shake our mission.

However, with the best relationships you can also just be with that person and have a great time. Understanding the neurological differences (which feminism...unfortunately and ironically discounts in an attempt to better the current situation for females in America) really helps.

That stupidly reductionistic book "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" elaborated on observations which I've made in some of my most intimate relationships. I am a little emotionally volatile at times. This usually has something to do with my physical state. If I'm hungry, tired, intoxicated, or sex gets interrupted I can't think straight. When I can't think I go into defensive mode and I don't speak.

They call that "the cave." When men get emotional they often retreat to fix other problems etc. Men are practically oriented on physical objects outside their body and women are fantastic readers of emotions, expressions, and sentiment. Knowing this has helped me weather some pretty crazy relationship problems in the past 10 months and allowed me to connect deeply with some people.

I guess what I want to expound on is the fact that I know the formula and am able to carry it out very well. The last 5 relationships that I had for more than a month ended because of logistical issues. I have to be physically separated from my partner to lose the powerful connection which I make. Let's be honest...without the emotional rollercoaster of oxytocin which sex gives us it's kind of difficult to maintain a lifestyle focused on reuniting when it is expensive and/or impossible to do so.

This is why the most recent woman and I broke up. We were making love until the last night together. Then, at 4 a.m. it just ended with her seeing me off at the airport. I had thought about continuing...but it would be better just not to lie and say that it's over. 3 months together doesn't warrent 6 months apart.

Fromm's "The Art of Loving" has given me a template to accept and carry out the teachings of Jesus Christ in the framework my 21st century pragmatic biologist discourse. I share it with everyone and let it guide our journey of self-actualization in each other's company. It is either after discussing our thoughts of these things or after engaging humorous or amorous conversation that I love getting physical with someone.

The most powerful moments of my life as a sexual being were staring into some brown eyes, passionately thrusting, kissing, and oscillating between my rational thought and an emotional state of pure being with another person. These are moments which I carry in times of triumph. In times of sorrow, the knowledge of it's return carry me.

It's so wildly good to have a thoughtful woman beneath, on top of, or in front of you. You know that you both want the same thing and that it's going to be so good! Then, for hours, you revel in the capacity of these feelings. You bask in the simple, animalistic pleasure associated with embracing your blissful mortality in your body's sweaty, panting, maniacal effort to create new life.

I can only imagine how well my reunion with people in the USA will be with my new improvements in my temperance, the renewed self-love, my well-tuned physique, my feelings of wholeness, and my light-hearted approach to the gravity of our transient life. I understand how manipulative I was in the past and how devastating emotional overinvestment can be.

There are two things holding me back from dating a woman in Madrid:
1) Logistics! I need a good group of friends, a nice intellectual atmosphere, and a few interesting girls around me to really feel in my element. If I'm not in my element...there's no way I can truly give myself to a deserving girl. My element would be the barn with friends, a house party with some quiet area where we can go dance then come back to talk or be close, the lake at night, an Athens bar with friends, or a setting with a many biologists exchanging ideas about life and cognition.

The antithesis of this has been the case in many days of my life. I sometimes have inconsistent friends and must make new ones every week. Sometimes I can't be in the right place. I can force myself to be outgoing and make friends to be with anywhere...but this ingenuine approach only works for an hour and a half before I get tired of being fake or pretending with lame people. So many people in Madrid, and in the USA as well, care deeply about things like clothes. Don't get me wrong, I understand the value of a status symbol. To me, a clean appearance and a decent middle-of-the-road look is perfect. Anyone too dirty (unless they're working) seems disrespectful. Anyone too clean can seem (condescending as well as other things) too into themself. I get the up and down wearing clean clothes:

 A clean, well fitting, and not flashy pair of jeans and a snug t-shirt without holes is what I feel comfortable in. I was shocked when I wore this outfit, sat on a seat in the metro, was recently showered and had deodorant on, and then something happened... a woman next to me was decked out in jewelry, earrings, a strange dress, fancy shoes, and she had a hairstyle that I usually see at homecoming dances. She looked at me, looked down at my square toed dress shoes and back up to my snug, clean red t-shirt. She moved seats to a different car...next to a Spanish man in a suit and with a gelled mustache.
Fuck her feelings and whatever she is thinking. I have no patience or desire for such people.

2) Fear!
After the incident I have been reticent to engage with a woman who I don't know very well. In college I had a random girl in my bed who was  a virgin before I met her. After that we never spoke again. I saw her around and felt shame and a strange sense of disgust. That night it felt great; she smiled as we pressed against each other. I couldn't find a condom so I never finished but... yeah. I feel pretty terrible about that.

It has happened multiple times. I get into a situation with someone. We do it once. Then there is a strange sense of regret and abandonment. Instead of getting close with someone you alienate them by pushing too hard. This fear of alienation has kept me from realizing one-night-stands here. Although, the fact that I will never see them again anyway should be impetus to pursue them even harder.

I understand the attraction switches and indications of sexual interest from a woman. It's great getting and reciprocating them in a public place where everyone knows that things are heating up. It starts with getting them to laugh. The smile makes you warm. Then there is light touching, dancing, and a more interesting dance of social movement. You go away, she chases. You chase, she comes to meet you. Her pupils get big, her voice elevates in pitch, she laughs at jokes that aren't funny, she talks about you, and all that builds to something that needs release.

Recently I have just been studying behavioral psychology. It's so fascinating to see this stuff in action. I do A she does B. The fear, however is overwhelming. I will have someone I'm really attracted to close to me. Instead of rationalizing it to death like I did before I try to ride it...I always fall off though.

Moments like outside a hostel I was with a girl who I'd been chatting with all night. I had her close to a wall. She arched her hips toward me...lips parted...I was attracted to her from hours of talking and flirting. We met once before and she had grown on me since then...everything in my mind says "lean in." I lean in. She leans in and nearly closes her eyes. A man comes out of the hostel to say to others "be quiet."

When the mind is in a state of anxiety it overemphasizes the salience of any other stimulus. Conversely, if it is relaxed and driven...it takes a loud and obnoxious jolt to break your brain state. I was intent, focused, but saw this as an opportunity to deny myself what I wanted  . . . I told her good night and left her awkwardly by the wall.

The next night I was dancing wildly with several people. I led the group to have a good time and was making everyone laugh. I felt good about myself and everything around me. Again, I was with a beautiful woman outside...she had been touching me and following me all night as I trounced around and danced with every woman at the bar. She didn't usually smoke, so she was going out of her way to be close to me. I got awkward all the sudden, high fived her, and went to bed leaving her confused outside.

The next night I was dancing with a blond. She let me carry her around the streets on my shoulders while she fed me sips out of a plastic cup. We both were attracted to each other. She followed me down my hall to my bedroom and I put my hand gently on her neck. I rubbed it, stepped in...smiling I said "good night" and left her at the door.

Again, I was in Salamanca with a woman I met on the bus. We were out dancing and danced in the kitchen. She leaned in and I gave her an awkward hug.

Then the same happened in Porto. I didn't follow through in a party in Granada when a woman blatantly asked "quieres follar esta noche?" Instead I hesitated and said "I. I guess."

The thing is: I'm not like that. I am calm, direct, and have no problem initiating what both of us want. As soon as we lock lips I love taking things slow. By the time I move to something which is explicitly erotic we're already really wound up. After that, we go at it and we both get release.

This fear is something which I am going to end this weekend. I know I am going to see someone who likes me. I am going to get over it and go for that initial contact. Maybe make it light with someone I have no intention of going home with. However, the ice prison is something which I'm going to stop immediately...it's only once in a long while that a woman initiates the first contact.

The day is slipping by though. I have to go fetch that book and work out. Again, while I work out, I will be thinking about a tall beautiful girl from Ohio or Spain...or maybe a short girl from Italy.. and how much I want to tune my body to get us where we need to go.

Pure fiction.