transference

Last night I had a dream that I was being held captive by someone very similar to me. For some reason I was a passionate young woman who loved to paint. My captor was a strong psychiatrist with a drive to control others.

There were times that I loved him. I painted with him and talked to him but he seemed too focused on his work and the noise that he made to listen. Eventually I was hospitalized. He strapped me to the bed and cared for me. He made me sick then he cared for me.

Then he let me go. When he let me go he dug into my right arm to put a portable IV drip with beautifully colored chemicals. As I tried to forget about the confinement each color slowly drained into me and I became less of a combative person. Eventually I was serene and submitted.

Then I woke up on the opposite side of the bed, exhausted, and smiled.

It seems like this is just how things go.

I've written paris down like it was a chore. I don't think that what went on will go up until I know how I feel about everything.

Being back home has brought joy and challenge. Lazing on the river drinking yuengling with Jason on the 4th of July was serene. Having a light dinner and drinks with a cute traveler from Ohio was intriguing. Reconnecting with my best friends and watching them progress.

There was a precious moment between my two nieces where MacKayla was feeding Allison ice cream and then feeding herself alternatively. It was a nice short moment of beauty in the world to watch something so pure come out of so much chaos at this house.

I see myself differently. In the Portrait of the artist Dedalus never flew back home. I realize that these people do better when I'm around if I share positivity.

At the same time I feel like I need to chase this feeling of newness. Perhaps I have progressed in my tastes past modernism. The philosophy books hang in my room as I've abandoned that desire to contextualize every emotion in a logical framework which as a purpose. I'm not even sure if that was the goal originally.

Fromm shattered my need for any of that. I feel like he has become my doctrine.

One thing which I found difficult to swallow about Fromm is his embrace of the difference between male and female. The professor showed me how we can't classify as "male or female" because we're the same and those aren't absolute (see: sex changes and hermaphrodites).

The thing which Fromm teaches, as well as "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus", is that we shouldn't deny these differences but celebrate them.

I'm a little tired to hash this out right now. I have plenty of things to put down tomorrow after I take care of a few admin things, apply for jobs, and talk to my advisor. I'm heading to Athens.