It ended with me and my WV friend. Predictably though. That doesn't make it sting any less. As usual, my mind seeks anesthetics for emotion. It is counterproductive to my understanding of the universe.
Instead of running from my anxiety for relationships I'm listening to songs about it and enjoying the feelings. Last night I was really upset and went outside. Smoking a cigarette on the porch I realized that I have the ultimate shield: contentment.
This moment is fine. I'm listening to a pop song about an angry end to a destructive romance. It's resonating...same frequency as I am right now. Just like chalk vibrating with the same frequency as a chalkboard it screeches in my ears. It's unpleasant, but I rather enjoy it in a masochistic way.
A lot of knowledge has found me recently.
Blindsight, attentional blink, and out of body experiences are three things I've been studying lately.
There is evidence that consciousness is just along for the ride, and that a decision is made before we understand or process what we're doing. It's imperceptible...but the illusion is free will. This is a debate that will rage in my mind for a while.
In the interest of saving time I should cut to the chase with all this. The usual dichotomy between responsibility and passion is taking a toll on me. In every moment I learn more but I have this overwhelming desire to stop and look around.
It's nice when responsibility forces me into it. I had to read Walden for a class. It was a refreshing morning. My only regret is that it delayed me getting a physical for my Spain job application. If I get my work done this weekend I will get it Monday morning.
Thoreau is so wise. Emerson smacked me in the face this morning as well by reminding me that for everything a society gains there is something lost that is equally important or beneficial. He gives the example of the horse drawn cart causing our feet to get soft. I see this in myself. The more intelligent I get the more I use this knowledge to mask feelings. I can reason myself away from a feeling or situation that should be affecting me more than it does. Rather than looking into the stream of light I sit aside and dissect what it is. In doing so I place a filter over it and obscure what it is.
I have been writing a lot lately. This year is going to be characterized by turbulence. I like it that way. Conflict makes me feel alive. Contrast assures me that I'm living. There will be moments of peace.
Seated in my ardent desire to be productive is that adverse desire to be loved by a woman. For some with an impressive physical stature or natural inclination to wit and charm...this comes easily. For a neurotic and intense primate, such as myself, it is difficult.
I read studies about the tendencies of female behavior and dissect it...again I step out of the beam of light and look at it rather than along it. Wordsworth would hate me if I met him...I constantly "murder to dissect.
Human sexuality tends to the color red, power or softness (depending on gender roles), women cycle in their desires and apprehensions according to their levels of hormones, money is a reification of power and is desirable, physical stature is as well, but all this is a game for genetic fitness and offspring.
It definitely doesn't feel that way. I'm trying not to talk myself in circles.
I have spent too much time trying to understand myself in this brief sitting. I should be memorizing chemical principals and contemplating contemplation.
I anticipate a huge relief this summer when I'm visited by a near stranger. Although...I realize that I shouldn't place too much anticipation on this. Every time I do it is accompanied by an extended disappointment.
However, it is a beautiful morning and I have more coffee. wastewater management and physics aren't going to study themselves.
I'm off to play Frankenstein.
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