There are a lot of people that I know or have met that treat life as having uncertainty. For me, this is not true. Life is the most predictable thing that I will ever know. For this discussion I should clarify, I'm not talking about what happens in the day-to-day. I'm talking about life.
I know that I am going to die. This fact troubled me until that time about a year ago when the blonde primate took me out of that cyclical firing that I was stuck in. At that time I was really upset because I was stuck in a house full of men who gauge worth by another's reproductive (pseudo...obviously they don't want us to see who can have more kids...) activity. So, for me, that relationship, or lack thereof, was a big deal. It forced me to choose in the moment whether I was going to be massaging a young woman's back and kissing her soft lips...or sitting in a hard chair trying to understand the motion of molecules
I chose the woman at the time. This was upsetting because I fell behind in that task that is a trial most life scientists: organic chemistry. My GPA fell to its 3.4 that it is now. It dislodged me from the meritocracy that I was frustrated with. Since that I met someone who I didn't anticipate a relationship. After this...I got my confidence in check.
In this state of transition I desire intellectual success in my academics and sexual success in my relationships. I have felt a bit static in both, although I'm making great progress.
There's a huge part of me that enjoys courting both pursuits. My favorite experience of this quarter is waking up late on a Tuesday/Thursday morning and drinking coffee. Usually I have the biochemstry book in front of me and contemplate what is going on in my body. This is the life I want and am so privileged to enjoy. Certainty is here. I am going to die...I see it on the page and reason it out. Instead of being upset like I used to after the blonde left my house...I am standing eye to eye with it. I am thankful for every day of consciousness.
The head is in check...this is where it should be. I can reason through problems and better understand the universe through diligence and focus.
Then comes the heart to throw a beautiful contortion in my little logical scheme. My ideal night starts with cooking dinner for someone. I prefer to have something that I raised, killed, and processed. Having a bottle of organic Cabernet Sauvignon from an eco-friendly vineyard.
Soft music in the background and a comfortable atmosphere between us. This is ideal. I just love touching someone to feel and look through the experiential ray that lights my life. When I'm with a woman, I think about the soft skin covering the hard bones and active muscles. They are small, less powerful than a man's, and remind me of the beautiful nature of sexual dimorphism.
I see them. I see their fear of this giant world. Their anticipations and apprehensions, with slight variation, are the same as mine. Similar blood is oxygenating the skin that I touch. The same synapses, with different patterns, are integrating the sensory information that I am bombarding them with. The reciprocity is audible as our breath quickens. I can feel their anatomy and know their mass of cells. It's so incredible that language can't articulate the completeness of having my arms wrapped around a soft and intelligent woman. The feeling of being, for once, not alone in your knowledge of death...is amazing.
There is a 60 foot wall between me and this pleasure. Social boundaries, a woman's attraction to me, situational differences, spatial separation, and the faltering of communication deprives me of the simple joy of eye to eye gazing. At times it seems like I will never have the joy of it again. At times I am completely ok with it.
Our society dissociates us. It separates and stratifies so that it can quantify our value. I am nothing inasmuch as I mean nothing more than numbers to them. Unfortunately for them, I do not consume much and I do not give them much power. It is a cruel joke of society to keep people from loving. They manipulate your emotions to get you to work a job that you hate to buy things you don't need.
Anyways, I am in this moment. The cat is batting at the staircase. I still feel resolute in discovering the nature of my mother's neurological disease. I am still dedicated to mending the molecular process that has been disrupted leading her to ultimate and constant pain.
Anyways, I am trying to be in this moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment