Sunday, January 30, 2011

torpedo

I have been thinking about trying to get a concerted discourse produced from my recent experience. So many times I just spit things out without order and it decreases their effectiveness. It's who I am: multiple thoughts at every moment.

There are a lot of people that I know or have met that treat life as having uncertainty. For me, this is not true. Life is the most predictable thing that I will ever know. For this discussion I should clarify, I'm not talking about what happens in the day-to-day. I'm talking about life.

I know that I am going to die. This fact troubled me until that time about a year ago when the blonde primate took me out of that cyclical firing that I was stuck in. At that time I was really upset because I was stuck in a house full of men who gauge worth by another's reproductive (pseudo...obviously they don't want us to see who can have more kids...) activity. So, for me, that relationship, or lack thereof, was a big deal. It forced me to choose in the moment whether I was going to be massaging a young woman's back and kissing her soft lips...or sitting in a hard chair trying to understand the motion of molecules
I chose the woman at the time. This was upsetting because I fell behind in that task that is a trial most life scientists: organic chemistry. My GPA fell to its 3.4 that it is now. It dislodged me from the meritocracy that I was frustrated with. Since that I met someone who I didn't anticipate a relationship. After this...I got my confidence in check.

In this state of transition I desire intellectual success in my academics and sexual success in my relationships. I have felt a bit static in both, although I'm making great progress.

There's a huge part of me that enjoys courting both pursuits. My favorite experience of this quarter is waking up late on a Tuesday/Thursday morning and drinking coffee. Usually I have the biochemstry book in front of me and contemplate what is going on in my body. This is the life I want and am so privileged to enjoy. Certainty is here. I am going to die...I see it on the page and reason it out. Instead of being upset like I used to after the blonde left my house...I am standing eye to eye with it. I am thankful for every day of consciousness.

The head is in check...this is where it should be. I can reason through problems and better understand the universe through diligence and focus.

Then comes the heart to throw a beautiful contortion in my little logical scheme. My ideal night starts with cooking dinner for someone. I prefer to have something that I raised, killed, and processed. Having a bottle of organic Cabernet Sauvignon from an eco-friendly vineyard.

Soft music in the background and a comfortable atmosphere between us. This is ideal. I just love touching someone to feel and look through the experiential ray that lights my life. When I'm with a woman, I think about the soft skin covering the hard bones and active muscles. They are small, less powerful than a man's, and remind me of the beautiful nature of sexual dimorphism.
I see them. I see their fear of this giant world. Their anticipations and apprehensions, with slight variation, are the same as mine. Similar blood is oxygenating the skin that I touch. The same synapses, with different patterns, are integrating the sensory information that I am bombarding them with. The reciprocity is audible as our breath quickens. I can feel their anatomy and know their mass of cells. It's so incredible that language can't articulate the completeness of having my arms wrapped around a soft and intelligent woman. The feeling of being, for once, not alone in your knowledge of death...is amazing.

There is a 60 foot wall between me and this pleasure. Social boundaries, a woman's attraction to me, situational differences, spatial separation, and the faltering of communication deprives me of the simple joy of eye to eye gazing. At times it seems like I will never have the joy of it again. At times I am completely ok with it.

Our society dissociates us. It separates and stratifies so that it can quantify our value. I am nothing inasmuch as I mean nothing more than numbers to them. Unfortunately for them, I do not consume much and I do not give them much power. It is a cruel joke of society to keep people from loving. They manipulate your emotions to get you to work a job that you hate to buy things you don't need.

Anyways, I am in this moment. The cat is batting at the staircase. I still feel resolute in discovering the nature of my mother's neurological disease. I am still dedicated to mending the molecular process that has been disrupted leading her to ultimate and constant pain.

Anyways, I am trying to be in this moment.


gonna trouble the water

This weekend was a truly great experience. I am surrounded by such awesome people in my life. Friday night I dissociated reality for about 2 hours and woke up at 2. Last night I took some wine and woke up at 2:30 today. Truly unproductive but at the same time it was very refreshing.

The lake didn't happen last night because the law stood between us and a moment of chaos.

So, for tonight I'm sitting again with my papers around me reading leisurely and listening to the cat try and get out of the house. It's a peaceful night and a nice end to the week.

Tonight I hope to finish my neuro midterm paper, reread the chapter on molecular orbital theory, get ahead on my English, and do the prelab for organic chemistry lab. Also, I'm about to email Ambre. Need to send her that scarf I made but idk the shipping laws for international packages.

Past week I was in a tailspin. Tonight things are going to straighten out. I have my letter of recommendation in hand for the Spain job. Tomorrow (monday) I am going to get my physical at Hudson, maybe get my knee checked out. I jacked it up in a judo match :-/

I'm over my frustrations of last week. My relationships are coming into focus. I have asked Jessica to formal because she's the only woman I know that will tolerate myself and a bunch of the other guys in that state. She is excited about it. Still need to find a ride.

Time to get started on that work.


Saturday, January 29, 2011

release/ritual

My fraternity's ritual was last night. As always, it was intensely mentally exhausting and physically draining. Overall it was another beautiful reaffirmation that I love that institution which I'm in.

I watched 2 apocalyptic documentaries and am listening to that song about struggle right now.

Tonight is a more personal and introspective night. I believe that I will be jumping into a frigid lake for meditative purposes. There was another intense element of last night/this morning which I need to address.

A hope for tonight: shed neuroticism. When in a certain state of mind I have a deeper peace with everything. This peace is refreshing. Contentment is a shield but that deeper peace is strength.

This world is in an incredible state of chaos and I am one of the few who have the opportunity be one of the fortunate people who has such extreme privilege to avoid it.

So many times I cave to self indulgence. To what ends? At what cost? Drinks on a Friday, Monday, Saturday, Wednesday night?

This quarter I have cooled off to a great extent.

Tonight is a night off. I don't want to spend the money. I need the reflection.

Maybe that's not what I need? How am I to judge.

Tomorrow is going to be a strict study day. I slept until 2. Shame. I never do that.

Tonight I hope to regain close contact with my corporal nature. I feel like I've let it go in the past few weeks. Then things come up. Nociceptors in my knee are telling me that I jacked it up during judo, and should probably take it easy.

I spend too much time in the ideal.

Thoughts scattered.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

wake of destruction

There's not much time for this. Reflections always take a backseat to this idea of what I have and will have. Isn't it amazing what the thought of the future does to the majesty of the present?

It ended with me and my WV friend. Predictably though. That doesn't make it sting any less. As usual, my mind seeks anesthetics for emotion. It is counterproductive to my understanding of the universe.

Instead of running from my anxiety for relationships I'm listening to songs about it and enjoying the feelings. Last night I was really upset and went outside. Smoking a cigarette on the porch I realized that I have the ultimate shield: contentment.

This moment is fine. I'm listening to a pop song about an angry end to a destructive romance. It's resonating...same frequency as I am right now. Just like chalk vibrating with the same frequency as a chalkboard it screeches in my ears. It's unpleasant, but I rather enjoy it in a masochistic way.

A lot of knowledge has found me recently.

Blindsight, attentional blink, and out of body experiences are three things I've been studying lately.

There is evidence that consciousness is just along for the ride, and that a decision is made before we understand or process what we're doing. It's imperceptible...but the illusion is free will. This is a debate that will rage in my mind for a while.

In the interest of saving time I should cut to the chase with all this. The usual dichotomy between responsibility and passion is taking a toll on me. In every moment I learn more but I have this overwhelming desire to stop and look around.

It's nice when responsibility forces me into it. I had to read Walden for a class. It was a refreshing morning. My only regret is that it delayed me getting a physical for my Spain job application. If I get my work done this weekend I will get it Monday morning.

Thoreau is so wise. Emerson smacked me in the face this morning as well by reminding me that for everything a society gains there is something lost that is equally important or beneficial. He gives the example of the horse drawn cart causing our feet to get soft. I see this in myself. The more intelligent I get the more I use this knowledge to mask feelings. I can reason myself away from a feeling or situation that should be affecting me more than it does. Rather than looking into the stream of light I sit aside and dissect what it is. In doing so I place a filter over it and obscure what it is.

I have been writing a lot lately. This year is going to be characterized by turbulence. I like it that way. Conflict makes me feel alive. Contrast assures me that I'm living. There will be moments of peace.

Seated in my ardent desire to be productive is that adverse desire to be loved by a woman. For some with an impressive physical stature or natural inclination to wit and charm...this comes easily. For a neurotic and intense primate, such as myself, it is difficult.

I read studies about the tendencies of female behavior and dissect it...again I step out of the beam of light and look at it rather than along it. Wordsworth would hate me if I met him...I constantly "murder to dissect.

Human sexuality tends to the color red, power or softness (depending on gender roles), women cycle in their desires and apprehensions according to their levels of hormones, money is a reification of power and is desirable, physical stature is as well, but all this is a game for genetic fitness and offspring.

It definitely doesn't feel that way. I'm trying not to talk myself in circles.

I have spent too much time trying to understand myself in this brief sitting. I should be memorizing chemical principals and contemplating contemplation.

I anticipate a huge relief this summer when I'm visited by a near stranger. Although...I realize that I shouldn't place too much anticipation on this. Every time I do it is accompanied by an extended disappointment.

However, it is a beautiful morning and I have more coffee. wastewater management and physics aren't going to study themselves.

I'm off to play Frankenstein.

wake of destruction

There's not much time for this. Reflections always take a backseat to this idea of what I have and will have. Isn't it amazing what the thought of the future does to the majesty of the presence?

It ended with me and my WV friend. Predictably though. That doesn't make it sting any less. As usual, my mind seeks anesthetics for emotion. It is counterproductive to my understanding of the universe.

Instead of running from my anxiety for relationships I'm listening to songs about it and enjoying the feelings. Last night I was really upset and went outside. Smoking a cigarette on the porch I realized that I have the ultimate shield: contentment.

This moment is fine. I'm listening to a pop song about an angry end to a destructive romance. It's resonating...same frequency as I am right now. Just like chalk vibrating with the same frequency as a chalkboard it screeches in my ears. It's unpleasant, but I rather enjoy it in a masochistic way.

A lot of knowledge has found me recently.

Blindsight, attentional blink, and out of body experiences are three things I've been studying lately.

There is evidence that consciousness is just along for the ride, and that a decision is made before we understand or process what we're doing. It's imperceptible...but the illusion is free will. This is a debate that will rage in my mind for a while.

In the interest of saving time I should cut to the chase with all this. The usual dichotomy between responsibility and passion is taking a toll on me. In every moment I learn more but I have this overwhelming desire to stop and look around.

It's nice when responsibility forces me into it. I had to read Walden for a class. It was a refreshing morning. My only regret is that it delayed me getting a physical for my Spain job application. If I get my work done this weekend I will get it Monday morning.

Thoreau is so wise. Emerson smacked me in the face this morning as well by reminding me that for everything a society gains there is something lost that is equally important or beneficial. He gives the example of the horse drawn cart causing our feet to get soft. I see this in myself. The more intelligent I get the more I use this knowledge to mask feelings. I can reason myself away from a feeling or situation that should be affecting me more than it does. Rather than looking into the stream of light I sit aside and dissect what it is. In doing so I place a filter over it and obscure what it is.

I have been writing a lot lately. This year is going to be characterized by turbulence. I like it that way. Conflict makes me feel alive. Contrast assures me that I'm living. There will be moments of peace.

Seated in my ardent desire to be productive is that adverse desire to be loved by a woman. For some with an impressive physical stature or natural inclination to wit and charm...this comes easily. For a neurotic and intense primate, such as myself, it is difficult.

I read studies about the tendencies of female behavior and dissect it...again I step out of the beam of light and look at it rather than along it. Wordsworth would hate me if I met him...I constantly "murder to dissect.

Human sexuality tends to the color red, power or softness (depending on gender roles), women cycle in their desires and apprehensions according to their levels of hormones, money is a reification of power and is desirable, physical stature is as well, but all this is a game for genetic fitness and offspring.

It definitely doesn't feel that way. I'm trying not to talk myself in circles.

I have spent too much time trying to understand myself in this brief sitting. I should be memorizing chemical principals and contemplating contemplation.

I anticipate a huge relief this summer when I'm visited by a near stranger. Although...I realize that I shouldn't place too much anticipation on this. Every time I do it is accompanied by an extended disappointment.

However, it is a beautiful morning and I have more coffee. wastewater management and physics aren't going to study themselves.

I'm off to play Frankenstein.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

starstruck

Here I am amidst a pile of papers and authors wondering about things. I'm reading about the pilgrims and their literature. Working my way through a pre-lab about boiling point and solubility, and trying to understand the relation between molecular orbital theory and electromagnetic emissions.

It's cold in my house, and there is a scent that still lingers on the pillow that lays next to mine. The loud sighs in the night are no longer a loved one but instead a vacant house. The cat may stir. The heater turns on. But I awake alone to face a beautiful day.

It has been about 3 days since the Appalachian woman left my house back for her dwelling in West Virginia. Circumstances were kind to both of us this time and we enjoyed some really passionate nights together. I miss coming home to an active mind and an engaging, loving person in my house.

Experience always contains truth waiting to be deciphered. The experience of having my heart race and mind calmed into the hypnotic lust of a lover's grip taught me to feel more. Right now I contemplate the nerves that tell the hands to type. The same nerves were telling my muscles to rub the back of her neck gently, massaging the muscles around her cervical vertebrae and at the base of her skull.

It's such a surrender of the intellect when you submit yourself to someone. It has been said that men never submit to a woman unless they see something of a goddess in her, and woman something of a god.

For now, I sit and learn avidly. There are people around me with so much fire in them. Too may neurons, people, are stuck in the recurrent collaterals that snub this creative and productive fire.

For now, I resigned myself the extraneous pursuit of drunkenness and connection. I prefer to sit at home and think than to dull my wits and drink. These chemicals mean more to me than a failed attempt at sex or a playful kiss in passing.

I feel myself in a state of being, knowing, longing...and yet...content.

I miss her. I loved our time together. How quick does stardust disintegrate into that which has no meaning? How can such moments as those have meaning that lasts, to me, as though they are eternity?