Break

I am a scientist. I analyze things to the point where no one else wants to look at them anymore, and mos people get sick of my input on tedious things.

My field of study, at least for the first 19 years of my life, has been philosophy. My lifelong goal has been to understand people.

That's a very brief explanation of myself. I'm sure you'll read more of it dispersed in this website.

The most recent thing that happened, this morning actually, was a text message to this little blonde primate that I enjoyed spending time with. Not much emotion can be conveyed in a text. The smiley faces don't cut it 90% of the time. Especially when you're texting someone to say that you shouldn't be anything more than friends.

Emotions are also strange things that I keep tabs on. When I was around her I felt absolutely incredible. I loved just laying there and taking it in. On my current course society is going to refer to me as a "doctor" when I'm done with the social phenomena "school" and "internships." My current fields of interest are neurology or genetics. However, all the societal pressure and conformist machinery that is hammering around me when I go about daily life would grow dull...and I would just think of how magnificent it was to breathe, be alive.

Now I'm sitting in a chair. Curious about why I (chemical randomness) do what I do. This blonde female primate was fun, irrational, attractive, and a perfect contrast to my rigid and pathetic studies. Human tendencies, and organisms in general, have always gravitated toward consistency and security. Time is the perfect device with which we love to cut up our lives. I have it all mapped out. 4 years undergraduate (the fourth will be a cinch because I'll be done in 3), 4 years medical, 4-5 years residency, kids, retirement, and death around 94...today I am meeting my friend for drinks at 7...monday I will be up at exactly 6:45 to make some (weak) coffee and instant oatmeal...I'll listent to the news, shower, maybe . Then the treadmill kicks in: 8-9 physics 9-10 organic chemistry, 10-12 studying for cell biology, 12-1 cell biology, 1-2 lunch and biological calculus study, 3-4 lifting weights and running, 4-5 study and figure out what to do for dinner...then after that I jump off the treadmill and go out to dinner most likely with a friend...then meetings and phone calls and books...

The bakery girl threw a wrench in that occasionally. In an awesome way. I'd miss a class, or skip a meeting. It was a little beautiful chaos in my day.

Then it just became chaos. Thoughts, emotions, and apprehensions affected study. Study is a means of gaining power and increasing my effectiveness with my "goals" in life. It boiled down to a little thing in life called "choice" and "sacrifice." The second one is frightening. Sacrifice...giving up something for something greater.

Sacrifice. That word reminds me of a botched interview with a neuro professor. "Would you be comfortable injecting baby mice with barbituates...sacrificing them for the good of science?"
I hesitated.
"Then this job is not for you!"
Fuck. I missed a great opportunity.

Here's where I sit: Humans develop a great connection with these things called "families." Basically families are this great thing where a group of people who share a lot of commonalities in their DNA (or want to share via sexual repro) stay together and interact frequently. These interactions affect their behavior. People prefer to help a fellow primate in their "family" over almost any other naked ape.

My family is the same. I have a loving mom, a stern and caring father, and 2 amazingly fun sisters. However, incapacities have wrecked parts of it. Autism, alcohol abuse, traumatic childhood abuse, complex neurological conditions, and family hardship have all negatively affected my extended family to the point where I fell obligated to help them.

This brings me to another thing that has been a complex and extended study of mine: POWER. $$$$$$ $$ $$$$ $ $$ $$$
Those little signs represent a thing called "money," which is a complex exchange system that represents the ability to make other primates do what you want. You can take away their family, force sexual intercourse, murder, or take things that other naked apes have created if you have enough of it...and no one can stop you. The people that have it enstate complex systems to keep it (such as the food and oil industries...don't get me started...I might not stop) in their posession. Despite the effects of carelessly discarded waste on the health of the rest of the naked apes on planet earth (not to mention all of our cousins: the rest of the mammals, arthropods, reptiles, birds, and creatures of the world) the people with the $$$ will do anything to keep it: http://www.muenda.com/blog/e-waste-pollution-the-trail-to-africa. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planned_obsolescence.

Planned osolescence...there's a concept. We'll make it so it breaks so you have to keep buying them...or it will just be useless because of the softward in 2 years...wait! Where do we put it? Africa, they got space. Wait...not enough space. How do we make it smaller? Burn it. Then it gets in the atmosphere and spreads to other villages. Oh...cadmium, lead, and mercury in computer parts are versatile neurotoxins that are bad for people? Well I guess that might make people not want to buy a new ipod...
We primates are "caring" things. "Caring" means, in most cases, that people will be willing to "sacrifice" something in order to help another person. The people with the power understand that if people saw that this was goind on, the "caring" factor would drive them out of business.

Most information is, or was, attained through the mainstream media. Mainstream media is funded by corporations that perform exploitive pollution practices like this all the fucking time. Coca-cola, microsoft, and the oil industry have no corporate accountability. Europe got pissed abouty most of the shit coke was pulling...so they reformed it. America however, has this beautifully constructed power flux system that prevents that. Here's how it goes:
The naked apes in this country are proud of the system we have.
This pride leads to the aggravated intolerance of questioning.
This intolerance allows powerful people to manipulate minds unchallenged.
This manipulation takes place through the media.
The media runs on cash.
The cash runs on the decisions of each of us naked apes in elections...as well as what the powerful $$$ loaded primates do.
The powerful wealthy aflluent primates influence our government with a one-two punch...they own the different media, the media controls the minds of the people, the people control the consumption of products and the election of people to "regulate" the wealthy...how the hell does this make sense?
It stems from pride and intolerance.

Coupling the concepts of "family" and "caring" I choose to devote my time and energy to subverting what small piece of intricate and destructive puzzle. If I can gain wealth and resources to do research I can possibly reverse what's happening to my family from the medical perspective...as well as pour my monitary power into projects to help the proud and intolerant naked apes see why they shouldn't buy plastic water bottles...or get caught in consumerist monoculture in the first place.

This is where the blonde woman has to exit. She is incredible...but I have a straight and long road in front of me. I want this. I need someone who will bend with me and will make me better...

Time peels away when we're together. It grabs me by the wrist and jerks me along when we part. I need to get better control over everything that's going on...
It sucks so bad that I can't trust this primate with all my "emotions."
Emotions...they're an unfortunate blessing. They have the capacity to inhibit our most powerful weapon (from a biological perspective): thought.

Some might argue that we live only for them. It has as much power over us as the affluent lawmakers that manipulate us to view people who are caring as "hippies" or "environmentalist vegetarian freaks." If you suppress them...you're missing out on everything in life. If you give in to them...you have no control. The balance is one of the most difficult things in the life of man.

I always site this as a "frankenstein complex" because the novel provides a perfect example of the phenomenon. Victor wants to save life...to create it. This is his passion...it consumes him. He has a responsibility to his family and himself that he totally neglects. If he pursued science with a reasonable interest...he would have been a very successful and happy man. Instead...his passion wrecked (strangled) everything that he loved. The diction that Shelley uses describing his fervant passion is stunning.

TIME! I have let too much of it pass while I've been journaling my experience. I need to get to chemistry and physics. I still have that emotional knot in the pit of my stomach. I wonder how her emotions are at this moment. We had a very different approach to each other. I sensed that her emotions were nowhere near as strongly triggered as mine were. An encounter with me appeared as a normal event. Nothing to bend for. This is good. This is normal.

My thoughts drift again. I can't wait to get back on the mats again and learn some more fighting techniques. Winter quarter has been characterized by this chronic eye infection that prevents me from wearing contacts...and has me taking 8 painkillers a day to stave my nocioceptors.

Entonces...tengo que salir.