drive

This last week has been exasperating. Cops have been to my house twice in a few days, I'm getting destroyed studying for finals, my headaches are getting worse, and I've been dragging myself down emotionally over a bunch of things.

This is going to be over very soon. Time seems to drag when you have a book in front of you with a bunch of figures that seem meaningless. Couple this with the fact that it's your job to explain things to students that are taking the class...and you can't remember some things. It's flat out depressing.

Although I see the destruction that "carpe diem" can bring if it is totally unchecked...I am aslo infuriated by the extraneous waste of time that some studying can be. Why would I want to study 4 years in medical school if I'm going to just forget it when I specialize? This is really frustrating to me. If I were reading philosophy I'd get this rush of euphoria whenever I think in a different way. With literature, a good story can trip my emotions...which is also really exciting. Science gives me a feeling of prolonged frustration...that subsides into a feeling of power when I understand a little more about the way that things operate. I have always been a kinesthetic learner. Labs seem to teach me way more than staring at the krebs cycle.

I'm almost done with this stuff though.

Bernardo needcs to be remembered. My roommates woke me up 4:30 a.m. Friday morning because this Mexican wouldn't leave our house and couldn't speak a word of English. After talking to the guy for about a half hour I discerned that he was here from Mexico on some sort of temporary work permit, he had a wife, he wouldn't tell me where he worked (he tried to tell me that he was a cop about 4 times but I kept asking for I.D.), he kept saying weird sexual things in Mexican lexicon, the reason he was at our house was because he was looking for a female friend...he wouldn't say who it was or how he knew her...and he was very drunk. At one point in the conversation he distinctly went on about stabbing...but some of the referent pronouns were indescernable. After a half hour of telling him that he had to go...I left.

When I was out of sight and he was out of the house I told my friends to call the cops. I had to go to the station and report all this. The cops told me they'd picked him up before for groping and stalking. In the mix there might have been allegations of attempted or successful rape...but I can't say for sure...I was really tired (like any normal person would be at 5 a.m.).

The cops came to my house last night when one of the new guys had too much to drink.

I wrote the number 40 on my hand. 40 minutes tomorrow, I'm going to dedicate to either playing an instrument, writing poetry, or doing something that I used to love...but let fall by the wayside for more "practical" and less passionate things. I spend at least that much time walking places. if I start riding my bike, watching less TV downstairs, sleeping in less, facebooking less, working faster, or focusing more then I would be able to reinvigorate my dormant passions.

I realize that I have become an intense person. My conversations are very serious and intense. Bitterness creeps down my spine. It seeps into my fingers and comes out in repetitive compositions about my life. Instead of the cathartic funnel-breaking release...it is a constriction that further drains the flow of creative thought.

I should spend no more time staring at my DARS thinking about my future and how I can maximize my effectiveness. I want a cheap motherboard for my computer, a cheap recording software, a cheap microphone, and a half hour a day to record songs with some friends I let drift.

I made a resolution this year to be resolute in pursuing passion. I have lifted more, attained a transient physical relationship with someone that I have liked for years, and got the position in the fraternity that I wanted. This has been good. However, it's time to branch out and regrow my old ties. I love the guys in the basement...but scrolling through my phone, I realize that all my hippie friends have graduated or stopped talking to me. My life has less contrast and less balance. Instead of loathing my decision to let that slide, I'm going to do something about it.
Also, my classwork has sucked lately. It's like I've been in a winter funk. This is not what I envisioned when I said that I'm going to let loose the spring.

Bobby knows of a scholarship I might be able to grab for puerto rico this upcoming winter break. This would be the perfect scheduled catharsis at the end of the gauntlet to a professional and beautiful life. I'm going to ask him about it...but I'm not going to let myself aggregate the enjoyment in life to small vacations. The tanline on my wrist isn't going to appear...the watch is going to come off in the light of the sun with more frequency. This is it.

Now back to studying. I feel better. I'm going to read this to myself once in a while and ask if I've lived up to it.