mi ami

Piling in the car after a long week of finals...I was intellectually and physically exhausted from studying so much and working so hard for classes.

I came out with a minor hit to my GPA, no failed Ochem, no major changes in plan. I'm still going to cut back the shit this coming quarter if I feel it's too much. If I work a bit every day though...I should be able to pull the gpa and hours that I really want to.

This weekend was really good. I went to miami to visit Katie. I've always lived by the principle of intellectual and physical contrast being a necessary phenomenon for us to understand the physical world...with that being said, I'm glad I am where I am right now.

This weekend was a gauntlet of whitewashed America and uppity suburban children "growing up" into the consumerist unquestioning society that is wrenching people like my sisters down for their own personal gain. The intricate network of power in the form of $$$ was like a spiderweb around that place.

I sound like I'm on a fucking soapbox...but I just felt uncomfortable there...without the idealistic undertones of what was transpiring. I felt like I could be 15% myself.

First night, I got the up and down judgement from several people on the street even though I was wearing a (not dirty...for once) shirt and jeans. I paid to get in a bar where a large amount of people were wearing a button-down shirt and jeans.

I can't go to a habitually clean place of residence and feel ok, welcome, or stable. It's not to say that K or the people I was staying with weren't perfect...I just don't feel good in that setting. It would be like going in for an interview dressed up and having a man in a suit sit on the floor of a horse barn...only the filth was clenliness. It's like Alison's apt or my NC grandmother's kitchen.

I chose this though. I suggested to Nick that we should visit Miami so I could chill with K.

K was perfect. Frisbee, stir fry, and day drinking were the highlights of the trip.

I was perfectly fine until the nerve was hit...the axon crushed during normal conversation. I am short, this word rings in my ears every time I see a "beautiful" girl or someone who looks attractive to the standard that our modern media has put us, I know that it's the first thing that most people see and, quite frequently, too much to overcome. On top of the TV there was a card with a muscular man standing on the side of a mountain with the writing "for your birthday...I thought you'd want a tall one on the rocks" or something very similar. In conversation they talked several times about one guy who is "really cute" but "too short" or nice but...too short. Do they berate people like that while another guy exhibiting the same physical characteristics is in there intentionally?

I always avoid it when I'm in a mixed group. The guys I'm around are sensitive to a single opposite sex in the room. We don't talk about boobs or dsl's when a new girl is present.
Long story short, after about 3 hours...I realized Alison was completely right on what a huge mistake it was to go there.

On the opposite end, it doesn't make me feel good at all to talk about their attractiveness in a bad light. The blonde was really pudgy and had a pigface, the runner was also a chunk who had no tits...but less gross than the blonde. Then, the brunette was a real treat...sounded like my cell bio prof and had an unfortunate nose.
Conversation? Not at all. When I type that shit I get a feeling of self loathing. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than them for not doing that shit...but I just don't undestand how someone could lead a fulfilling life while putting themselves up to these standards constantly.

Then, there's K...caught up in it. On the tip of my tongue I had a lot I wanted to say to her, because I know she's not happy with her current situation. She feels like it can be solved with a good looking guy...but I'm pretty sure that's what a lot of loveless Jackson parents believe when they're running through their materialist lives. I don't have the answers for a lot of things. My way of doing things has gotten me through a lot of heatbreak and some of the most fucked up shit that can happen to a human.

There was a moment on Friday that I felt like opening up and having myself cut loose. I love making myself an ass on the dance floor...it's just fun. I started dancing with K for a bit, grabbed her, then just tensed up. It felt so completely wrong because I'd never be able to fit all the points for a good dancer. If I got those good dancer points I'd probably fall into the category of "hitting on her" or "being a creep."
That criticism is something that I don't want. Janee blasted me when I got home, but I care about what she says...I couldn't give a shit about what some chick in a dress says about my breath, actions, or demeanor in conversation.

The whole weekend I was tripping on words and feeling like a knot was in my head.

The odd thing is though, I really, genuinely care about that girl (K). When someone opens up to me, even once a while ago, about something personal...I can relate. I have a lot going through my mind at all times.

Even though he didn't understand it, I told Falcon on the way home that I felt like I got the Euthyphro eye back. Straight thinker. I understand a bit about self-actualization and piety through it's opposite. It feels good.

It will be frozen in my mind though, when I was sitting at the computer. She was just laying on the bed, hair carelessly messed up across her face. Her glasses set square on her prominent nose. The odd black line separated her two front teeth. I remember just looking briefly about the way that the skin below her chin looks when she lifts up her head. Her crooked feet, deep brown eyes, and the moles dotting her complexion gives her this unmistakably remarkable appearence. It's incredible. She's a really quirky looking girl.

If you couple that with what's underneath it though it's phenomenal. Intelligent, driven, and sassy (or...bitchy), would be three perfect words to describe her. She's a multiflora rose. I would have loved to just curl up next to her and peel back a stigma or two. Make her feel loved.

I wouldn't dwell on this so much if it didn't fit so well into everything I've been wondering about.

Would she be so discontent if she pursued the path like Maria or Eden?

When we were on the dance floor she said "find a cute girl and dance with her!" I approached and started...doing what I consider dancing but people around me think is a sideshow...and she said "no, a cute girl." When I stepped away...all I could think was "there's nothing that this place could really offer me...I've tried. I've had it (making out with 6 girls in 1 dance party). I don't like it. I think that the sustaining connection that a man gets when he shares his weakness with a woman who wants his strengths is so much more fulfulling."

If there were three words to describe me they would be: rugged, intense, and curious. Coming home was a beautiful contrast. The town of Oxford resembles a whitewashed marble countertop with fancy cookery on it. My home is like my countertop: functional, messy, me. Coming home and drinking with my sisters and Josh was perfect. I got to be outside in open air, light a fire, talk about planting, and enjoy the moment where I could be completely myself and embrace what people thought of me. No condescending glances from girls with laptops or men with buttondown shirts. The conversation went from evolution to flipflops and riding alpacas.

This is what the blonde primate fit in with perfectly. I'd love to learn how to contra dance, salsa, or even rage to lady gaga. I vividly remember one of my first nights in college at her house where we all were just waving our arms and jumping in what I called a free-association dance. It was about feeling. If you got close to someone your movements wouldn't have to be dictated by what other people were doing. If you were far away you could be as subtle or maniacal as you wanted. You could edge up to a soft spoken cute hippie or jump and kick around with your friend. No one gave a shit about propriety.

That biting wittiness that K has is really sexy. In no way am I attracted to her though. She'd probably either use the gesture as a self-esteem booster or gossip food. She's consticting. I felt something this morning though; if I were that iconic figure on top of the rocks things would be different. If in some strange alternate dimension I were charming (in the traditional sense), clean, a foot taller, less inclined toward function and more toward form, richer, and enjoyed the wrappered life...
I would have liked to cuddle up with her. As is, she's a solid friend and an interesting person. There's no way in hell that I'd try for it to be any different. There would be no point, both of us would hate each other. I just want her to be happy.

Seeing this in comparison to what I am and who I pursue has given me a lot of clarity. I'll still put on that fake face and plow through whatever tuttee girl I really want to get with...but when it comes down to it, I want to be with someone who is a little...wild, in a wild way.

I have a lot to look forward to this week. Possibly getting back in the hospital. Selling my silver and getting a bit of coin for a trip, or a quarter of school. Meeting with the professor to talk about senesence. Talking to Mathias an Jillian. Losing the constriction of mandated activities...playing outside. It's going to be a great week. Maybe I'll get to see that bibliotecaria again. If there's any girl I'm excited to keep taking out spring it would be her. I'm also pumped to go out to a movie with Star and Mengxuan.

Lab job kicking back up next quarter. It's going to be rough/rewarding.