Hoops

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCci4mEOhvU

The relative complexity of simple interactions astounds me. Last night we threw a party at my house; it was a lot of fun. I met up with my friend Bobb IV and had some Estrellas. I threw up in my sink. Overall though, it was a great night.

Anyways, I'm thinking about how tough it is to muster up the strength to jump through these hoops every day. Tomorrow I have a cell biology paper due, Ochem reading to finish, a physics quiz to complete, Spanish papers to write, and appointments to make. The weather is nice outside.

I feel my body...every part of it. I have arms and legs that want to be outside running, playing soccer. This isn't possible though...because I have so much shit to do. I was sitting on the porch this morning contemplating the insanity of last night when I realized that I don't want to continue with this quarter. It seems like nothing good has come out of school this last 9 weeks. 2 more...thats all I can tell myself.

Last night we talked about travel, life, and I rambled some stupid philosophy all over the conversation. I remember meeting that French girl in Spain...and how much more interesting and dynamic she is relative to the majority of the American girls that I meet. I understand that this is a generalization of Americans...but generalizations exist to save us time and energy...some are very detrimental (racism) but a lot of them have their place in maintaining our biological fitness (such as a common fear of all snakes even though only a fraction of them are lethal). If I tried to date absolutely every girl with rich suburban parents and a sense for fashion I would probably go insane.

Ugg boots and north face jackets are a common way to differentiate people of this caliber on a superficial level.

I was getting pizza this week when I sat down next to 2 girls talking about dancing. The conversation moved to ass shaking and they talked about that for the 15 minutes it took me to finish eating. The conversation made me think a lot but simultaneously was very interesting because the girls were very attractivel; they were "out of my league."

Here's where I get off the bandwagon though. Because I am such a critic...I deconstruct myself to the point where it's almost inevitably hopeless...Napoleon complex.

Napoleon was short in stature, but described his outlook on life with the phrase "Power is my mistress." I will never be tall, attractive, or in most ways physically desirable to the majority of the female human population (probably the most incredible and confusing living creatures in the universe). I think this every day when I wake up...but it doesn't keep me awake when I lay down to sleep. Napoleon compensated for his physical shortcomings by being a badass...

I'm not saying that this is what I am aspiring to, but I am saying that the heightened intelligence of this species has allowed for people who are genetically inferior, like me, to reproduce and be "successful" in life by using their intelligence effectively.

This is where philosophy and biology come in. With biology I hope to raise myself to the level of being a desirable companion for an interesting woman. This will be attained when I have a "successful" career as some sort of physician. Herein lies a paradox however...I would never want the kind of woman that wants someone for money.

I have this debate in my mind often. In the shower, walking to class, or while cooking breakfast I turn over the idea of companionship and romance. This is part of the reason why I want to leave the country so badly. I dislike the fact that men and women salivate over posessions, power, and physical things. In other countries, people seem to place more value on experiences. I find this more valuable because experiences and memories may not be tangible...but, as a large chunk of the philosopher community might argue, we only know and understand the world through memories. Every passing second is only understood and interpreted once we have it stored in our memory (in the hippocampus...I can't wait to understand this when I take neuro next year) and interpret it with our logical frontal lobe.

My sisters are the kind of girls that seem to get it. Janee never looks at a catalog of purses or boots. She goes for the luxury of practicality. Corina keeps a level head as well...although she's less into the whole farm thing, and more about practical "modernish" things.

I just get confused by some women. Shopping blows my mind. Someone poured their time into getting those little green pieces of paper...and you're going to hand them to someone in order to get a shiny thing that hangs from your ear...or an odd shirt that someone tells you is cool to wear.

As a scientist I have gained a substantial amount of knowledge about human interaction. It's almost to the point where I can predict behavior. Wearing ratty clothes causes the majority of people at OU to not want to talk to you. Wearing no shoes would get you some interesting looks as well. At a party, you can say a certain set of things to people and shift your discourse of conversation in accordance with what their feelings and reactions are. Manipulating your language and appearence well will get you what you want. Getting what you want is power. Language is used to attain this.

Language. James Joyce. Free association. Brownian motion.

All of those pictures in that order has a great deal of meaning to me. They are all isolated things...but have some sort of neural connection that causes me to associate the memory of one with the rest of them.

Again...I digress too much.

I am naturally drawn to "different" women because I am very "different." The term "different" in this context means that they're not the prototype that the media (specifically MTV and VH1) try to stamp on you. Alison, Amanda, Ambre, Mengxuan, Sarah, and every other girl that I have had a prolonged relationship or vague romantic interest in has had some distinguishing characteristic that sets them completely different from the standard that is portrayed in the cookie-cutter conformist culture that a lot of women aspire to.

I'm going to challenge myself...I do this a lot to keep my thoughts in perspective. Are they really different? Alison is an environmentalist, vegetarian, non-drinking, athletic, cultured, and positive person. She has a host of philosophical inconsistencies that annoyed me...like her enjoyment of the show "made" on MTV...and how we would always drive to a coffee shop to talk about why the environment is being destroyed by the auto industry. I can't be a critic of her though.

Now that I'm on the subject of it...everything just rushed into my head at once.
There are 3 or 4 things that set me against the grain. 1. Alison put me in college, showed me kindness, and we pushed each other to be more enlightened and good. 2. My childhood. I'm not getting into it. 3. The direction of a man that I will only refer to as "the professor." His guidance and challenges have caused me to be an articulate and accomplished (according to the comments of the professors in my English classes) critic of literature and philosophy. He's the only person I know that can floor anyone in an argument. His rhetoric is incredible, his knowledge is immense, and his compassion is limitless. He is a pastor, nurse, and professor of history and philosophy. He is the sole reason that I haven't given up all hope of christianity making any sense in my life.

These things caused me to pull my head out of the sand (sorry for the trite analogy...I know ostriches don't actually put their head in the sand when threatened...they kick whatever is threatening them and run away. This old wives tale of the ostrich came from a Roman writer named Pliny a couple thousand years ago). Some days I hate it. I wish that I could actually attain lasting happiness by running the gauntlet of consumption and desire. This template doesn't suit me though. I like books and discussion. My excessive obsession with Lady Gaga is a strange desire to be normal...which usually results in a dance that everyone around me thinks is hilarious.

Again. I digress. I was challenging myself and I reiterated something that I already knew. These girls are different. They have to be to have any sort of reciprocation with me. I am sexually attracted to intelligence, talent, boobs, and nice teeth. I love a good smile.

A random thought in my head has to come out. How can I be sitting here pushing these buttons and not fighting someone, eating something, or having sex? It's such a weird phenomenon. Thunder and I talked about it for a bit...we would not have any complex society if we didn't practice this (moral?) self denial. This computer would never have been invented by a bonobo. Everything about this species seems to be focused toward excess. The phenomenon of "free time" has given us a lot.

back to what I was saying about women. I want to leave the country to get that fresh perspective from someone that I can have the luxury of experience mattering more than tangible superficial things.

I think this depends on the culture though. The Chinese girl that I dated for 5 or 6 months was very geared toward monitary success...to the point where I couldn't see past it; consequently, I couldn't see her. The French girl was a nihilist...but she made it so refreshing. She saw my tattoo and looked at me with beautiful brown eyes and said "You will not go to the paradise. This is todo." Instead of being depressing as fuck...I was really happy to be walking the banks of the rio Tajo with her. I'm going to have to work at it, but I really want to see her again soon. It's a really high hoop to jump through...but I've got a running start: I have a fifteen lb. bag of silver stashed in my room. It's 99.9% pure...so it's worth a plane ticket to Europe. Maybe I'll go for the harvest next year? Maybe I'm dreaming. That silver would pay for a quarter of college. Maybe I'll get a good chunk of loan money.

I'm going to experience Alice in Wonderland with Amanda, the blonde primate...later today. I feel better about "us" now that labels are actually off. I get the feeling we'll gradually drift apart...but that's not as bad as chopping a relationship up with a meat cleaver.


Time is passing...so am I. Organic chemistry isn't going to study itself.