Waking Up

I've spent a lot of time in the lab. My perspective has often been one of dissection with the intent of understanding. This has caused me to distance myself from people. Often accompanying this distance was an element of condescension. Fortunately, this hasn't been entirely unhelpful. Through seeing the world like this I learned science to a level that most people don't. I've commanded Spanish and managed to accrue a lot of other talents.

Recently, however, I have been listening to some podcasts about body language and psychology. They talk about stance, thought patterns, and mirroring interactions. All the listening is meaningless until I put it into practice. So, I came off the wall.

This started on Valentine's day. I thought to myself that a primate with my abilities and insights, though possibly disadvantaged by some discourses, has no excuse for not enjoying the most important part of this experience: connection.

I understand that there is, by Fromm's discourse, an intrinsic difference between experience and udnerstanding. We look at and along the light in the toolshed. So, I decided that I'm going to understand a little less and experience a little more.

Bearing that in mind I've been trawling bars, engaging in intercambios, and seeking opportunities for growth. The podcast has been very helpful in removing certain behaviors that divulge my insecurity. One of my biggest demons is ralionalization. Really...I can write a terrific essay describing why I shouldn't do something that would make me really happy. Or I could stop rationalizing and just act on it.

It's like I'm meeting myself for the first time in a long time. I went to sleep a little bit when the Appalachian girl went a way. It was a conscious sleep where I basked in the dreams and ideals of knowledge. In a way, I'm waking up to share my dreams and ideas with people.

It's so true that you modulate your body language to cater to whomever you're around. I've been trying it out on my students. Shoulders down, stiff arms, less eye contact, and verbalized pauses are the first set components. With the first set I feel less energy and more anxiety. Also, the students don't pay much attention.

I love my "second set" attitude. Though it takes some energy to get into I can perk up and smile. I have my chest out slightly, shoulders back, head up, eye contact, no verbalized pauses, and concise language. I feel powerful with this set. The students respond well. It takes practice to get into.

Valentine's day I went into a bar and was blindsided by a type 7 guy...no idea how to deal with it. Fortunately, I just kept good posture and fired back jokes. It was far less uncomfortable when I faked that I knew what I was doing. Eventually...I started to feel it.

At knit night, intercambios, in lines, and on the metro I'm, almost maniacally, smiling and talking to people.

The thing is, I do it without need for validation. I have spent the last four years constructing my identity. It's time to share.

My validation is only with myself. I'm the one calling the shots. For now, this is what I think:

I'm 22 but I have enough experience that I know what I'm doing. Right now I'm teaching English in Madrid to relax my mind from all the science I've learned back home. However, I still study psychology, physical chemistry, physics, and biology out of interest.

I occasionally play saxophone. This is an aspect of my life which I missed dearly in college but it is becoming more important as I get my feet back. If I haven't played saxophone in a week I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I love literature and reading. Discussions are fine, but I love internalizing messages or entertaining tropes and discourses. Along the same lines, I love philosophy but I'm taking a break from heavily taking myself into it.

I was raised with Christian ideals and believe that I should behave in accordance with the positive teachings of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately these teachings are incongruent with the sociopolitical machine that operates in America. Consequently, I enjoy speaking with the few people who realize this and try to operate in spite of this adversity.

I love being physically active. This month I'm getting in a gym (actually after I get done playing sax today).

I have my struggles with attention and insecurities about the life that I've chosen. However, I work on these daily. Some days I improve.

The driving force behind my progress is writing. I have a collection of stories that I am progressively releasing.

I love my family and friends even though they are far away.

I love making people laugh and think. I think that thoughtfulness is what separates us from animals and it is a trait to be pursued in a female partner and a positive friend.

So, there. I'm off to lift weights.