Motivation

2 years and 3 months ago I was watching her walk away; the emotions in my chest were so mixed. There was thorough delight at meeting her and utter chaos when I was thinking about letting that night slip away...trading 3 hours of sleep for a night together.
I wasn't even tired.
My suitcase had a stuck handle, and I tried to pretend this wasn't any issue as I strutted toward the terminal.

Terminal. That's what I thought it was. However, we have been emailing. The emails oscillate in frequency, but now are more rapid than before. I am planning a trip against my better judgment to visit her in France November 20th.

This might be a rash desire for that physical sensation of touch or the emotional intercourse of stimulating conversation. After my spring adventures with the tall Appalachian woman other things just can't measure up.

I went out with several girls this week. Monday night was amazing; the conversation was witty and there was a light feeling at the end of the night. Thursday was an excuse for a conversation with one-sided explanations of her dogs for a significant amount of time. I had known this girl before, but badly needed reminding of why she and I are completely incompatible.

There was another, unmemorable.

Friday was a mistake. Monday night's company got a 4 loko and started a shouting match with me...I didn't shout back at all. After that episode I'm probably not going to talk to her anymore.

Right now it is cold. Accompanying the temperature change is a natural decline in activity. I don't know the specifics of the endocrinology behind it...but I know how it feels to go into winter depressed.

I feel for my roommate, he lost someone close. That's really all I can say. It is rough not having him around for a full week, but I hope everything that needed to happen for him has happened.

Death is a rough thing.

Some things can be worse.

I emailed my grandfather this morning. At this point lying has become a numb habit for me. The wet plaster of my masquerade has since hardened and would be too painful to remove. I'm sure that the lies will suffocate me if I don't confront them eventually. I'm sure there is a time. I will know when it arrives.

In the meantime I am confronted with a dilemma: where do I allocate my resources? The trip to France is reckless and will exhaust my resources, time, and energy.

I think it would be worse if I don't go though.

Senior year has come with its share of disappointments and disillusionment. Overall I have a confident feeling that I have done everything possible in college to succeed. The gpa could always be higher, the parties could have been wilder, and I could have made a lot more friends; however, I feel like getting a sense of self independent of stereotypes is far more valuable than a false sense of identity.

As I type I realize that my fingers are going against the plaster on my face. Today after a short nap I realized that my loneliness stems from an incessant perceived need to lie. Human behavior is intricate, and can be difficult at times, but this is what I'm trying to understand.

This introspective writing is intended to help me understand myself. How do I act? What am I doing? Why am I not studying Spanish right now?

I am going to do everything in my power to, with caution, get to France. This includes going home this weekend. I'll hunt the rideboard right now.

Doll

After another successful quarter of school I have less reflection and more postive feelings about everything thatI'm into right now. A's in my second half, B's in the first. Going camping this upcoming week with Sean and Elze. It should be amazing; Badger has this place picked out that we're going to meet him. It's supposed to be a Shawnee reservation place with caves and a lot of cool stufff to explore.

Some current things about me: my family is staying interesting as always. Corina is still waittressing at Sylvester's, Travis is working at the nursing home. Janee's hours are longer now at the vinyard and John got a domestic violence charge for hitting Michelle in the face. CPS has been called and now they're going to counseling. Dad's not too much in favor of John's significant other...but the whole situation is beyond my control and nothing that I can tie myself up in. Alison saw that it was best to get out of Canton and away from my brother. So far this decision to go away for college has done really good things for me.

I got an email from my mountain woman. I miss her in a sweet way. There is no chance of anything else going on...and it's better this way. I feel like our time together did me well; I hope she got the same out of it. There is a sense of reticent anxiety in her tone, but there needn't be. The attachment that was once in my nature has left.

Dad and I reminisced on the way home about all the girls that I've been with. An overwhelming majority of them have been crazy. As a scientist I would have to say that they are deviating from the norm of social interactions...they do this by expecting or anticipating actions that have no correlation to anything in the past...their imaginations run wild and they expect or perform things that have no significant contribution to their well being.

I have only been with 4 women who weren't crazy. Far too many who are. From accusations that result in serious consequences to childish games that mean I'm burning a bridge...these are not the kind of people I want.

Nor can I really say that I tend toward the promiscuity charactaristic of our youth. I am not expecting the unrealistic hookup on a regular weekend basis. A nice partner would be the best.

I haven't thought about girls for a while. Pushed them aside mentally in their potential for partnership...until I saw a quarter book I couldn't pass up. It's from Fromm and it talks about love. It says that brotherly love is that of companionship between equals, motherly love is that of nurturing pity and condolance, but erotic love is one of wholeness and assimilation. It means that you enjoy another person that you want to take them in to yourself. This was my time with the appalacian girl. She drank in what I knew about love, science, philosophy, and my social scene. In return I got a sharp dose of independent thought, tenacious passion, and a renewed sense of casting off bullshit.

Our brief relationship drove me to seek the brotherly companionship of Badger...and our other hippie comrades. This opposite side has given me the confidence and direction that I lost when I was suspended from school.

I am a smart human. I have a short but muscular build with a bit of the signs of dionyssian pleasure hanging around my waist for brief periods of time (during which I take up fanatical running routines to get back to a flat stomach and healthy feeling). As far as our capacity to learn and create: I am at the helm. A rennaissance man, I feel that I can acquire any skill readily and use it aptly. It has taken me 1 week in the lab what it takes others 2 or 3.

There is a difference between confidence and arrogance and I know where it is. My shortcomings are easily seen. Sometimes I can be short-tempered though I mean well. My interactions with other naked apes end quickly sometimes when I refuse to circumvent meaning for aesthetics. Most of all I have this underlying feeling of inadequacy that is instilled by the culture that I was raised in.

Here lies my latest revelation: a quote from the pope. I'll elaborate tomorrow.

Neighbors

One day when we were getting our carpets replaced by the landlord I encountered an interesting discussion amongst the workers. One with a shaved head said that he got his $2500 paycheck stolen in a stall of a nightclub by 2 black people. Then he went on about how "they're n*ggers, we should get rid of them."
For some reason this venom has taken up more of my mind and energy than I want it to.

Whenever I get wasted they'll be out on the stoop...4 guys and a girl or two. They all look about 40, even though they range from 18-37. Working out in the sun will do that to your skin. Swastika tattoos and shaved heads are the motif, and there have been a number of altercations that are audible from my house.

One night I heard a struggle going on from outside, and one of the guys ran down the stairs saying that one girl is beating the hell out of another. Sure enough, southern accents were screaming profanities in a scratchy female tone. We didn't know what the fight was about...but we saw a group of the neo-nazis crowded around this tall skinny woman and a fat short woman on the ground. The skinny one then proceeded to grab the fat one by the hair and repeatedly slam her head into the ground.

Kinder went to grab his phone. We were all in shock, at first I thought it was funny...like they were acting out a game similar to something Jeff, Josh, Steve, and I used to do. Then when I heard the crack of her head on the asphalt I knew that it wasn't a game.

One of the guys lazily stepped in and told her not to get too rough. By this time the fat one was on her feet and got a couple shots to the face of the other girl before getting slammed into the truck that was next to them. The skinny one took her shirt off.

I have seen fights. Usually it's two guys pushing each other and one punch before someone is worried about messing up their good looks. These people had no regard for killing each other though. By the time my friend dialed the police one girl had already sped off in a truck with one of the nazi boys on the side of the window holding on for life...trying to tell her to calm down. He let go and rolled, got up laughing, exclaimed: she's pissed!

At first it was a spectacle; they are always on the porch talking about nothing and asking us for beer. I knew by the conversation that they were hateful, racist, but I didn't know the extent of it until I went over there. One of my roommates agrees with their sentiments...and a few others have hints of the misunderstanding that causes so many people to hate those with darker skin. This past Thursday I got a better glimpse of it.

I'll backtrack a second. Yufan "Eric" Ling is the Asian in my fraternity. It was a mistake to go over there and try to get them to socialize. Eric had no idea what they were saying because of their thick drawl and they didn't understand his accent either. So, I tripped over a chain and smacked my head on the concrete and went stumbling on my way.

This Thursday though...words were had. I drank a 6 pack of tall genessee and a couple natties before heading to the bars. I wasn't feeling it because there weren't many people there. On my way home I hear the blonde one exclaim "P Murda!" So I go over and chat. One offers me a cigarette, which I accept. In retrospect I'm glad that Brad didn't tell them my real name and I'm almost certain that they don't know it.

After talking a little while about the weather and how drunk we're getting we get on the subject of religion. "I believe what I can see. I can see hitler but I ain't never seen god." He tells me. I've argued philosophy successfully while drunk before so I tried explaining a syllogism to this 18 year old who never attended high school. I got about 1/10th the way into my argument before he went blank. I'm not saying that I was the most articulate speaker at the time, but I tried to communicate my inner dialogue regarding empiricism and rationality to him. The idea of platonic idealism and the dichotomy of that and material determinism is tough to understand. It took me years of receptive thinking to get the professor's words through my head. I was stupid to think that I could even start to explain why this man should consider logic in reasoning reality.

"So, you like what Hitler said?"
"I've read Mein Kampf, I believe we should kill all the n*ggers"
"Do you want to kill me?"
"You ain't a n*gger"
"There is no difference, it's just melonin and a cover of the same internal shit"
"Yeah it's fuckin' different because they're FUCKIN N*GGERS"
"Would you ever act on what you think?"
"With all my heart I want to"
This took me back a bit. Then he continued:
"I've been to prison for 6 months. I'd go back for a good cause."
"You think this is a good cause? Getting rid of th...why are they so bad anyways? What is there not to like?"
"They're different. That's my opinion. You can think what you want but I'm going to act on what I feel is right."

It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, go here alone while not fully sober and a little upset.

"I speak spanish, so I'm different. Do you want to stab me?"
"Not you, I like you. I don't like your roommates and I sure as hell don't like that gook you brought with you the other day. I'da killed him if got the chance"
"Have you ever killed someone because the way they look"
"My buddy sure has! I was 5, year was 1997 when he slit a n*gger's throught an' went to prison. Hey! Get out here and show him the knife!"
I'm thinking they're all talk, that this stuff never really happens, this is just what people joke about. Then the man with the giant swastika on his arm walks out with a hunting knife with a leather case comes out. He hands it to me.
"Would you stab me with this? Would you want to kill me?" I feel myself getting upset at the ridiculous stalwart hatred and ignorance of these people.
He has a darker voice with more experience behind it. "No I wouldn't. Your skin's the wrong color for that. Besides, we like you P Murda," he laughs and the others chime in "P Murda"

That nickname has no significance except the irony that I'm a very peaceful person, a scientist who wants to explore and understand. This was a night of exploration. As they passed around a can of four loko and mused about how all the spicks, wops, jews, n*ggers, chinks, and arabs are messing up our country.

After a while I was getting sarcastic. I started to drawl like them and cut words down, act like I didn't know any words above 8 letters or 3 syllables. Of all the people that I've unloaded scathing verbal criticism on...these people deserved it the most. I unbuttoned the case of the knife and the laughter rolled down. The experienced one said "best not open that...you'll never know where it might want to wander..."

I hate myself for not telling them all to go to hell. Or at least doing something. I told them that they were wrong but it didn't seem strong enough. Thinking back on everyone who has touched my life in a positive way with a different skin tone or racial background...Tiara, Lisa, Eric, Ariyatma, Preeti, Yu, Dr. Chen, Dr. Lee, Dr. Tanda, Mengxuan, Tj, Big Mark, De'Andre, Dan Z, Jessica, and the list goes on...these people have been phenomenal. I can't imagine someone refusing to listen to what Dr. Lee has to say because he's Korean, or wanting to kill Tj because he's from Jamaica, hating Lisa because she wears a hijab or refusing to hear Dan's lyricism because his parents are jewish. It makes me sick.

They said that they're going to move out. Friday. Nope. Sunday. Nope. Today? I still saw their white van with a bashed in window. I still hear stories ringing in my ear about how one of them chased a black man off our house who was trying to steal something. Never happened! I don't believe it!

I remember that story about being robbed by 2 black men. I told a roommate about it. They chuckled and said "he told me he went to a casino last weekend." Gambling problem?

The blonde was discourteous to Bethani, and is a general misogynist. He went up to her while we were on the porch. "CaI getta beer and a cig?" I hand him a honey brown and a camel light. He turns to Bethani: "you kinda cute. You got a boyfriend" She doesn't, but said yes. "you monogermous? Da mean do you sleep around?" She said she doesn't sleep around. "I guess I got nothin else to say" he scoffs and leaves. When a woman walks past him he says to her "my cuz said he gonna put it in your butt tonight!"

I asked this man what he does for a living. He said nothing at first. Then after a few drinks he asks if I want to buy any weed or crack. I would love for him to present it to me so that I can give the cops a real reason for putting these people where they belong. They have nothing to lose. That's what scares me the most. They're just there, waiting. Scowling at anyone who doesn't do what they want, or act like them.

This has been a little cloud on my perfect summer. I thought I would feel better after describing it. These are probably the people who stole my bike. They stole our peace of mind...and our lawn chairs.

The new lab is phenomenal. I spend about 2 hours a day working on dissecting fruit fly brains and reading scientific articles.

This weekend I'm going home for First Friday in Canton, and to meet up with friends. Jason got bit by our pig after he attempted surgery (castration) on one of her piglets. He's ok, but I probably should help around the house more than I have been this summer.

Stats and writing are easy. I have a 98% in stats and a 96% in writing with little or no effort. I'm glad to finally be done with organic chemistry; learning in a neutral lab environment is much more productive and interesting because things actually matter.

One of my most anticipated discoveries in the condition of the naked ape is that of music. The calculated intentional vibration of air molecules has a startling effect on people. It is very dissimilar to that of a territorial bird, which calls for mates or to threaten off predators.

I'm just listening to this and thinking about how it makes me feel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aaDQFdKzY8. Don't watch it. Seriously. The lyrics and tones should be enough to give you a picture. Something lodged in you hippocampus will break free and flood your system in an instant. For me, I think of all the people I've loved and how full my experiences have been. I don't desire. That part is silent. Instead...nostalgia comes over me.

This has been a great week. I have seen people that are closest to me in my hometown. Josh, Catalina, Mathias, my family, and a few others. It seriously makes this time more meaningful and enjoyable when I am with people that I like.

Something incredible must be said about constantly moving. You don't rust when you're running. People are excited to see you for a great night on the town and then they forget about you for a bit until your next visit.

Maybe this behavioral tendency is related to my alleged attention disorder. If I'm always jumping around then it's impossible to get bored.

Josh and I always talk about the problems of modern society and how people are handling their situations poorly...wasting their lives in front of the television and discontented marriages. Yesterday I sat for 2 hours and drank a beer while watching CSI. I felt fantastic. Nothing. Literally nothing was going through my head. I thought "this makes sense. This feels really relaxing." and I understand now why some people will pitch all concerns about the environment for a good program. The question is: is it worth the work?

Contrast is the story of my life. Last week I was losing sleep over the fact that I thought there weren't enough hours in the day. I only made one promise to myself: I will finish ishmael this week. That's it. No overarching resolutions about women or saxophone or making money and seeing friends...just a book.

I drank almost every day this week. Hung out with Corina, Janee, Travis, Jason, mom and dad, and all the animals. Today I held wires back from a giant screwmachine in the vineyard. I went out to the movies 3 nights. Once with Josh, once with Janee and Jason, and once with Ashley. Saw Clash of the Titans, Kickass, and Date Night. They were all entertaining. Ishmael is very introspective...it's awesome.

Now I'm listening to cuentame al oido. I get caught up in the accent that she has. It's melting. It reminds me of nothing. I haven't heard a voice that clear and melting in a while. The background music is tin cans and bad synth but that voice really gets you.

I should probably do something right now.

finals

Calc final is in half an hour. integral of udv equals uv-integral of vdu.
That's it...my problem is just with the trig function and endless technical rules. Suddenly I'm more worried about Ochem.
If it boiled down to it, I'd rather lose my chance at year-long biochem than neuroscience. Both are important.

Nora convinced me to quit being so ridiculous. I want to take a creative writing class instead of picking up a 3rd major. I'm not taking physical chem this fall. Fuck quantum mechanics. I just want to stick to my guns and do neuroscience research. I'd forget it anyways...plus calc isn't my strongsuit.

Last night she told me how everything is. If it works out, great. If not, then we had some great times and I learned a lot about how to touch someone.

If it comes to dating...would I be better with a scientist? I feel like I'm explaining a lot of stuff that I'm learning to her and I feel like an ass because of it. My sister would have shot me in the foot by now. I know that I'm not on a higher level of thought, I just have so much interest in this stuff and want to talk about it with people. I think this is how everyone in bio ends up marrying each other...they're the only people who understand each other.

The best part about seeing someone in non-science is the fact that they're not a dissectionist...they don't have to be a romantic, but there's not that urge to understand everything.

There are a lot of fantastic girls out there in science though. People that I get a long with...more or less. Sometimes I get contentious with them though...competitive.

Parental pressure is going to greet me when I get home. Why didn't you make dean's list? What do you need to change?

Answer: I need to 1 take less classes 2 better balance classes with nonscience or 3 have no social life. The catharsis I get meeting people and drinking with friends is something that I can't pass up.

That final is coming. All I need to do is pass. It feels good to know that I don't have to be exceptional. I felt like life was ending last quarter when I was freaking out about chemistry. It will be fine. I have all next year to clean things up. And this time I won't be dumb about it.

Stress is an incredible force on the body. We're not equipped to deal with all this cortisol not being used...and it permanently modifies transcription of factors dealing with energy consumption. In other words...stress has a long-term negative impact on health. Thinking about it stresses me out...

I'll be home for this next week. Coming home Saturday after moveout.

Pass

The extended social experiment with living in the fraternity is finally drawing to a close. I'm sitting, contemplating on the first floor of Alden. From Mexicans to noise violations, we've had a lot of police attention. There has been a lot of good times and drama. I can't say that I'll miss being woke up mistakenly by someone looking for the bathroom, having to pay $30 extra on my water bill because of trash violations after parties, or cleaning up beer cans or vomit for about an hour every weekend.
I will miss some things about it though. The communal feel is the best part. Next year I'm rooming with someone I'm close to, but I'll miss always coming home to some kooky crap going on or guys just hanging out.

The result of this quarter has been bad (relative to what I usually get) grades...but I realize that it's really not that important anymore. I see the fact that I don't have to jump miles over the bar and kill myself doing it. There will be flight next summer...and a great return afterwards to do what I'm called for.

$985 a week for 12-16 hours of teaching in Spain is the job that I have lined up for the year immediately following college. After that, I'm going to medical school...most likely somewhere costal so I don't end up going insane.

There was a limo taking the seniors to strip clubs, a pretty big dance party, and a lot of drunk conversations with different guys telling them that I'm glad to have known them.

Last night I again realized the sense of alienation that I get at the parties. I've always known, but It's just not my scene. Guys like Spencer and Chris will live it up and love every minute of it. I'm just excited to meet someone who is stimulating in some capacity, or shares some of my interest. Going to a more ambient environment has always been more soothing and allows me to flourish in conversation. I can't dance to rap without looking odd, I don't like drinking natty, and drinking games with plastic cups don't exactly satiate my appetite for competition.

Enough bitching, let's talk about the great things this year. I've learned so much chemistry, a lot about microbiology and evolution has been a very delightful intellectual trial. I learned a lot more about going down on girls...and love doing it when a girl deserves it. I figured out that you have to talk about nothing, or dial down your intensity for people to have an extended conversation in a "normal" social setting...otherwise you end up alone like a certain...muskrat.

Also, there's a big thing coming my way from Chen's lab. He wants a report about this microbe that has been producing a yellow metabolite on fructose. The next person to have my position will pick up where I left off...and Chen wants a formal report. I'm considering it a great practice for my potential thesis next year.

Speaking of which: a proposal. Since Dr. Lee told me that I only have to dedicate like 6 hours a week to his research...I've thought of what I could do in my free time relative to neuroscience.
Pain has been in the back of my mind for the last 2 years or so. I've read case studies that discussed my mother's condition (this is a decent website that will explain it http://rsdhope.org/) that have been interesting. The disease is significantly more common in women. Case studies have shown that when these women get pregnant their symptoms vanish and they return to feeling like a person should (apart from the whole pregnancy part). This summer I intend to explore some of the current experiments that have been done on these case studies. My thought is that there could be a hormonally based treatment that could simulate pregnancy and be used as a better treatment for this disease...especially in cases like my mother who is immune to the main form of treatment for the condition. Obviously this is out of the scope for undergrad...but I could do some experiments exploring the connection between hormones and pain signaling.

Another good thing that happened to me recently has been a tall female "hippie" that has been really good to me. Whether we're hitting the bars, outside, or we're laying in bed talking about our experiences, books, stupid party stories, or great movies...I feel comfortable around her. She's about 5 or 6 inches taller than me and...I kind of like it.

If my memory serves me correctly there was no distinct female figure that made Dedalus flee Ireland. If there was, then she would be this person, and Ireland would be the frat. I know that there's an alternative world out there that isn't an endless mashup of people that want to skip the introspective and intellectual part of college for the shit on weekends. She lets me feel confident and chill. She's intelligent, compassionate, engaging, and...leaving. I'm surprised how OK I am with this. I feel like being with her is a great thing, but will be ok when she goes. Througout my life I have tried to cling to things when they're really not good for me. This resistive attitude somtimes gives me trouble. Everything is temporary...this is a good thing. It gives me less opportunities to fuck it up.

I'm learning from her. I'm learning that it's ok not to always have people around. It's ok to think, be yourself, and that my ideals are more important than I have made them recently.

Really, truly, honestly...it bothers me to hear guys objectifying the shit out of amor. I might mock it, say dirty things like "fuckin' girls are only good for cooking and sex" but...when I stand in line at the busy day market and someone seriously says "that girl needs to be on my dick right now!" I want to throw up. I don't know what to talk about with these people. These are the people who will say "college is the best point in your life" or "it's all down hill after 21" because their physical powers decline with time and they never pursue wisdom or experience in meaningful things...and they end up being douchebag workers at UPS.

I'm not touting some universal standard of ethics...but the shanty gauntlet of male objectivist culture frustrates the living shit out of me...and I'm not going to change it by abstaining from it or working against it...I can just leave it and enjoy my books, dark beer, hippie friends, and good music. I like who I am. I wouldn't change a thing...except maybe have better teeth, but that's a different story.