company in the Czech Republic Part 1

After my company left I felt the urge to replace and review. Consequently, my adventures of Prague happened.

It's a blur. I woke up frantic at 6 after short hours of sleep. I centered myself by rapidly eating the pasta and stir fried vegetables I made the night before. Then, of course, I crammed two shirts, a pair of socks, my laptop, and some money in my bag before hustling to the 6 line to Nuevos Ministerios.

I knew I should be smiling, talking to people, and enjoying the flitting moment but I was on a mission: Prague-->Olomouc-->Medical School-->Prague-->Madrid (In 52 hours aaaand GO!)

Eating became secondary when my "9:30 a.m." flight became an "I guess we'll take off at our convenience regardless of your 40 minute connection in Zurich" flight.

My next flight had 5 minutes until takeoff. I got to the gate by "last call"

On that flight I met John. John was a medical technologist specializing in heart machines in Wisconsin. We passed a good flight bantering about Europe and travel.

Then in Prague time stood still and I took off my watch. There were Czechs dancing in the square in front of some old buildings. I wandered around and saw a river, cathedral, old buildings, and a lot of a language I understood none of.

Then I happened upon a holed up restaurant. I was famished at this time. I pointed a finger and said "un" "uno" "one" to a confused person. I made a gesture like I wanted to eat.

In retrospect I should have learned some basic Czech.

My waitress spoke English. Next to me was a giant family laughing and eating. I asked for a beer.

I got a budweiser.

Thinking to myself "why would anyone want this beer in another country?" I took a sip. I stared at it. It was amazing. It was on par with Dortmunder from Great Lakes...except...it was drank faster. I downed 1L before the meal came.

In reality I had no idea what I ordered. Out came a simple slab of roast pork on top of a mountain of vegetables. I mixed the two and washed it down with more "Budvar." It was heavenly. I was in a trance. The meal cost 185 crowns...which is less than 10 euro depending on where you get your money changed.

Content, I walked out to smoke a cigarette and find internet to get to a hostel. That's when it happened. Two men with good intentions lent me a lighter in exchange for a cig. One had long greasy hair and a big nose. He spoke a bit of crude Spanish that he picked up in Barcelona 10 years ago. They spoke no English so I walked the other way.

The man with the short hair ran me down and asked "what?" and I, a bit frustrated, pointed to my chest and made a sleepy gesture. Short hair smiled, pointed **you** **sleep** **shower** were the gestures. His friend seemed disinterested. I nodded. He waved for me to come.

At this point I thought they would point out a hostel. Then the greasy haired man with burnt hands and a vacant expression said "train. hostel expensive"

I hopped on the tram with no idea how to pay. Short hair started saying "blah blah. you. my wife. me no."

In 10 minutes I was at their house. It was in the projects. Several beds in one room. Several people in a bed. No one spoke English. I wanted to leave but decided to stick around to see what would happen.

A greasy Ukranian man came out and mumbled a few words in English. I asked "internet?" and he shook his head. Eventually the wife came back and asked me "Why you here?" I shrugged.

In a half hour Chicago came. This is when things got more interesting.

Chicago was a chubby, pale, redheaded man who spoke fluent English and several slavic languages. From the start I could tell that I couldn't trust him. The more I distrusted him the more he assured me he was trustworthy.

Short haired man asked him to ask me for money. I gave him a small sum for a rough bed. Chicago said "he says it's uncomfortable because it's meant for two people. If you bring a prostitute back it's no problem."

His fifteen year old son stared me down the whole time.

Then Chicago and I went to the center. He was broke. We shared fantastic dark beers and swapped our stories. He was living illegally and was doing "construction." Later in the conversation I figured out that "construction" meant demolishing buildings and ripping out the copper piping. His main income was his mother and selling drugs.

Then we ate meat paste on the main street. All the dealers lined the streets that we walked down. Immigrants, amputees, people with despair and urgency in their eyes all stared at us. Chicago called me "the tourist."

After raking the streets for a bit he found a dealer to buy drugs from. I, still intrigued and a little buzzed, kept my distance but followed him expecting to happen upon a respectable lodging in the near future.

He shook hands with an African, shook hands again, and ran away smiling.

The main street was beautiful and dirty. The whole city seemed like it forgot something and was trying to remember. As the night went on it seemed more like they were trying to scratch out those memories.

The handshakes were an exchange of his parents money for pot. Enter a Russian woman tripping on something. She demanded that I buy her a beer so I obliged.

Chicago took us to the metro. He told me we were going to a dorm party. I felt safe in the city. All my posessions on hand I was ready to ditch them at any moment. On the metro weed was smoked by Chicago and the Russian.

He told me we were going to see a view of the city. I shrugged. Ready for anything, I followed with an unnatural interest.

20 minutes walking I realized we weren't going to a party and we weren't going somewhere touristy. The Russian woman walked us around the outskirts of Prague confusedly for 2 hours. We were in the middle of nowhere at the end of our little hike.

After this, I felt a bit tired and completely ready to crash. Chicago tried talknig to me about life. Then he told me not to trust the wife of the man who brought me to the slums.

We arrived at the house but Chicago and I weren't allowed in. The Russian went in and came back out after 25 minutes. She had something in her hand but I didn't want to know what it was. Suddenly, she was gone and we were waiting for a car.

Chicago tried to convince me to do some white powder with him in the park but I refused. Then he asked me for the foil to my cigarettes. He pulled out the whole pack and put his drugs on the foil. Hunched over on a park bench he lit the paper on fire and quickly burned up all his drugs.

In a rage he tried to smoke the paper. He cursed in his language, then in English. I wanted to know what they were but didn't ask him.

I was in another world. It was a world without school, jobs, or forethought. It was a complete moment and nothing else. There was no "next year" and there were no bills. These people lived with what they had and wanted what would make them feel good. It was sickening. It made me thankful for my time in college and my hard work to come here. It made me relish the fact that I had student debt but also the conscience to pay it back. By contrast, all my doubts about my life path were, temporarily, absolved.

This guy was a little king in his world. I can't say definitely that there is something wrong with his way of living. It's just not mine. I appreciate my world now. I'm not begging my mom for money to gamble and spend on the present. I'm working toward medical school and what I see as beauty in the world.

In the car I was asked for money. I said I had none. By this time I had come to my senses and realized that I was in plenty of danger. There was a man and a woman in the car. They wanted me to buy something from them but couldn't speak English.

I was delighted and terrified to arrive back at the slums. The Ukranian wife stood in the doorway as Chicago yelled something into his phone. I saw the 15 year-old on the bed. I asked slowly "Is the water OK to drink?" He nodded.

I was on the fence at that time for more adventure. The history and beauty of the city was a splendid backdrop for all the depressing activity.

The wife shouted "go sleep now!" and Chicago tried to come back into the room but she closed the door and locked him out. "You sleep now and in the morning you go. OK?"

I nodded.

Sleep was never so light. I clutched my bag wishing I spoke Czech. The 15 year old in the room was watching tv through two computers with half-working parts.

The next morning I started awake by the wife again. Her black hair was matted and half draped in her frantic face. She furrowed her brow searching for words in English. We stepped outside and spoke softly. "I go to city with you. Find hotel."

"I'm leaving the city today."

"I take you out of here."

"Just point me in the right direction and I will find my way."

"Out of here turn left and go straight to Praha center. Don't come back."

"Ok, thank you."

"The young man you were with said he wants to use your money. Don't stay with him. Don't come back. They want take your money. So. Go."

She nodded her head and spoke with an edgy voice. She didn't want me there to shake up their world. Less money around meant less problems. She was thankful for the little bit I gave them.

I stepped outside. She gave me a lighter. "You keep. I insist no more problem."

I know now that she was talking about how I met her husband by asking for a light.

Immediately in the 7 a.m. morning light I felt a great love for everyone I knew. I felt great to be alive and to have my feet on the right path. The only thing I had to do then was to go to Olomouc.

Two steps forward. Sidestep. One step back?

Lisbon was amazing. I learned a lot about myself and the people I'm around. There's a lot to be said about how refreshing travel can be. You're out of your routine. You're in an elated emotional state. You're ready to be bold and amplified. Through this can come destructive or intriguing behavior.

My last two days in Porto had a lot of contemplation and solitude to accompany them. It was a perfect place to reflect upon myself and what I thought was important. That set my mind into a perfect state to meet people and be comfortable with myself.

At Lisbon I met a great set of people and hope to keep in contact with them. In reality I will lose contact with all of them but that's the nature of travel and exploration. I learned a lot about how I interact with people and what works.

I'm starting to realize the power of meditation and workouts in stabilizing my interaction with people. The mind leads the body which leads the mind...

One of the people I met in Lisbon I invited to stay with me for a week. All the bad habits that I was able to kick while on vacation came back as soon as I was back here. The overanalysis, the backhanded comments, the sarcasm, and the approval-seeking surged forward like an unwanted tide that had been held back for a week.

I'd have to say it was one huge step forward followed by a step back. Really, it was more like getting ready to jump foward again. I understand what I like about myself and relish it. I understand what I dislike about myself and throw it away.

The problem of these bad habits comes up as soon as I start caring what people think about me. It may seem selfish but the best mindset is "I am a positive person and effective in my environment. By my happiness and presence everyone around me gains knowledge, enjoys laughter, and has an open ear to listen to their problems. What could possibly stop me?"

The answer to that question, I know now, is "nothing but me."

I am excited to go to Prague this weekend. It's going to be a whirlwind trip with a lot of time spent en route to a medical interview and school tour. I only have 3 hours total in the school of my destination but it's enough to get a real answer on what it's all about.

I realize that teaching is my passion but today I badly missed science. I started talking about senses in one of my classes and remembered how much I love learning biology.

This gradual and sincere realization is what I took time off for. The question was "do you really want to dedicate your life to medicine, teaching, and learning?" It's a huge investment and I know people who regret not doing something to assure that it's what they want.

So. My friend from Denmark left. She was pleasant, free spirited, and good company. Now I am going to Prague. Next weekend I am going to Granada. I don't expect to meet the people I knew before again but I expect that it will be fun. The weekend after that I want to visit France. I thought I could hold off until Ambre and I had our trip but I really want to practice my French and travel some more.

I learn something every day. My life here is asymptotically nearing perfection.

Scramble to Portugal

I'm sitting in the Lobito cafe after a long sweaty three hours of scouring Porto for someone who speaks a language in common with me. Single words get by. "Thanks" or "There?"

I got chased down by a man selling sunglasses. He said he knew the area and he spoke fluent Spanish. Unfortunately...not only didn't he know the area but he also spoke very poor Portuguese. He begged and told a story about his kid having cancer. His kid is three. He had to go to Lisbon for an operation. Consequently he needed an operation. I said I'd give him a couple euros if he pointed me in the right direction...which meant he kept following me and asking for a couple hundred euros.

He did find the street. To get him to leave me alone I said I would help him later because I'm going to Lisbon. Consequently I'd pay his ticket and go with him to see his son. He said it wasn't possible because he was going by car. A pack of oreos got him to leave me alone.

Anyways, apart from the hassle of finding my hostel the city is beautiful. Oporto means "the port" ... not the most imaginative name. The streets are similar to Spain. They are confusing, cramped and nonsensical at times, and lined with old adornments. Unlike Madrid, the streets here look like old shower tiles. It's hilly and there are a lot of seagulls. The churches and houses have a different style.

Portuguese is strange. I can pick out individual words but nothing else. If I repeat some words over and over in Spanish they understand. Sometimes they repeat words that I don't get so I just say "obreeguhto" or whatever and walk away.

The coffee I just drank was even smaller and more bitter than those in Spain. I got a massive plate of food. I have heard that prices here are much lower than Madrid but that remains to be seen.

Tom's roommate lives in this city. She said that she may be free to meet up when I'm here. Until then I'm going to take advantage of my overpriced 24 hour metro pass and try to hit as many landmarks as possible until the evening.

I am booking into the hostel as soon as I get off this.

Coming here has granted me the feeling of risk, rush, and discomfort again. The contrast is necessary to appreciate what I have.

I have hopes for this hostel. They're always nice to meet people.

Scramble to Portugal

Rearranging

Optics are really fascinating. We really don't understand light. It is pure energy that behaves like a wave and a particle at the same time. When calculating optics we treat it as a ray. Trying to understand light has led us to question what we know about the nature of any particle or collection of matter. Light's identity crisis is fascinating.

Right now the light is glancing off the palm tree's leaves in my bedroom in Madrid. The view never was very spectacular from my place but, nonetheless, I love my room. It is ordered and clean. A place for everything...and everything in its place...

It's strange that I can't do the same for my relationships with other people. I try. There are coworkers, lovers, love interests, friends, my teachers, my students, and bosses. That's easy to compartmentalize. We work together, we make love, we look forward to making love, we pass time and share experience, I learn from them, they learn from me, and I listen to them respectively.

As that light pours through my window in the afternoon hours I wonder to myself what these boundaries and boxes mean. I will obviously never cross them. For some, however, they can't exist because the "i" is the only variable that suits them.

Right now I'm thinking about someone in my present who, for both our faults, has changed circumstance. Our interaction has given me sustainence, confusion, elation, occasional despair, and endless opportunities to learn. We're on the opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean at the moment. However, like light waves, this person still exudes an exciting effect on me. The inspiration that I get from them has permeated my writing, creeps to my consciousness when playing saxophone, and causes me to strive for perfection in everything I do.

I don't feel like I must go far. The asymptotic race toward perfection is, for me, nearing the speed of light. I now have a gym that is 2 minutes from my house which I have gone to every day for the past week. My dancing abilities in the salsa arena are progressing and I'm finding more and more opportunities to practice. Meanwhile I'm seeing my ability to blend in and stand out change with my mood. Knowing this, I've found ways to keep my mood up and grow every day.

With my headphones strapped on I'm learning optics (if you can't tell by the intro), some French, metabolic biochemistry, and neuroscience. With them off I'm practicing my Spanish and enjoying every second of this cultural epicenter.

There are odd moments and setbacks, of course, but each one lets me know what to improve in the future. For the first half of March I kept a budget. Unfortunately, I lost my trial period for Microsoft Excel. I also lost my PowerPoint abilities. So, I found a way around those two by using googledocs. I have half a month's wages to spend exclusively on my trip to Portugal this Saturday.

I'm sure that this travel will accelerate my pace of experience and discovery in Europe. Only occasionally do I find myself killing time on the internet on rapid stimulation sites like Cracked.com or FailBlog.org.

My goals for April: I will send $500 back to the USA in preparation for second round applications, I will continue to work out daily, I will continue my budgeting and keep with it on Google, I will continue interacting every chance I get with the people of Madrid, I will go to free French lessons on Thursdays, I will continue going out almost every night to new places, I will visit France, the Czech Republic, and Morocco, I will continue learning salsa, my lessons will continue to progress in interactivity and efficiency, I will finally get around to learning a bit of calculus, I will stop studying psychology and focus on physics and chemistry, I will continue playing sax every day, I will continue to pressure my schools to give me worthwhile and consistent students, and I will call my mother more. All this seems reasonable.

I have accomplished a lot this month. My students' English is much better. I have no problems collecting information from people or navigating maps. I run into awkward situations (like accidentally going into a brothel without knowing it...note: if there is a neon sign and no windows then DO NOT ENTER).

Actually, I'll go into detail about last night a bit. I got done with my lesson, rearranged my room, worked out, ate dinner, then debated going to the intercambio. I decided to scope out the local club scene instead. It was great. I went to the "little bull" restaurant and met Marcos and Marina as well as introduced myself to the wait staff. After that I went to Cafe Moliere to see some free card tricks. I talked to the wait staff there as well to familiarize myself with the place a bit more.

Then I decided to go to a bar right next to my house with no windows and a neon sign of a girl with bangs draped over one eye. I asked the barkeep what kind of bar it was (I thought "pub" or "night club" or "salsa bar" would be the answer) and he said "bar de copas. con chicas." Literally this means "bar of cups. with girls." In my head this means "bar where we serve individual beers and have plenty of mixed company to hang out with." What it actually means is "at this place you buy an overpriced beer then girls will rub themselves on you and grab you asking you to buy them a drink. once you do (the drink is 20-30 euro for some reason) they take you to the back."

Not sure what happens at the back. Not sure why the price of the beer is variable. Not sure I want to know. The first person I talked to was nice. She was a good looking ecuadorian woman with a bright smile. In retrospect it's really funny that I didn't know what was going on at first. When she came uncomfortably close I pulled away and she followed me. She asked if I wanted to buy her a drink and I thought "man, she's trying really hard to get this drink. That's the third time she asked. I'm still not sure why it was 8 euro..." I said "sure." She stopped me and said "it's more expensive for me." I slid her my beer and said "I'm good without it." She rolled her eyes and said "es un bar de copas." In my head this really meant nothing but "it's a bar of cups." I still don't know if that's a weird thing there or normal.

She called her heavy black coworker over to explain to me in English. She yelled "you buy drink. go back. have sex." At this point it subtly dawned on me that this was a place I didn't want to be. I told her no thanks. She pointed at her friend and said "you don't like?"

"It's not that I don't like her. I just don't do that sort of thing. I thought this was a regular bar..." They laugh.

So: Neon signs in the USA that have poolsticks, martini glasses, people, beer brands, or whatever else...are fine. Dimly lit bars are cool.

In Spain: Stick to the Irish pubs, as clearly labeled, or the brightly lit bars with windows.

So again we're talking about light.

I remember the cold winter of December where Jason and I were skittering around Canton looking for bars to go to. There was a neon sign that said "Budweiser" through the midst of the festivities. It's always a grand thing when people are out in Canton. It's like something dead blossoms and you see what it's capable of. I deeply miss my family.

Tonight I believe I'm going out with a lovely green-eyed Spaniard for a show. I have some American friends in town as well who are supposed to meet up with me for a little tour of the non-touristy areas in Madrid.

Breaking away is blaring through my speakers right now. I wish I could move my family here. I'm arranging a university visit in the Czech Republic for an English speaking medical school.

I am turning 23 soon. My live has been very long and fulfilling. More trials are to come. For this, I am thankful.

Meditations of March

March has been great so far. I just finished playing saxophone for an hour after making a delicious stir fry. Still haven't gotten the formula down for perfection but that leaves me some room for improvement.

I have stuck by the "buy no cigarette" rule for March. I have been in the gym 18 our of the last 20 days. It's really strange that I feel more capable than I did in college. I'm not sure what it is but I can do more sets and don't really ever want to stop working out. I did a half hour of cardio today after a lift. Last time I was this apt to be fit was when I was gaming judo and enjoying some time together with women this past spring and summer.

As strange as this sounds...I'm finally learning how to talk to people. Up until I came over to Spain I was always negging and dodging people to stay comfortable. It's strange that wallflower girls get a fair amount of attention now and again...but a man who doesn't act from a frame of understanding and assurance is uncomfortable to be around.

I noticed this definitively after studying psychology two weeks ago in preparation to go out to the bars. A girl I met and opened up was shy at first but eventually playful. Overall, I felt good about the interaction. She introduced me to a mixed group of guys and girls from England and Spain. Everything was good.

Then I met a man who would not stop looking at the ground. It was something similar to what the girl was doing but I felt different. He was shifty and unsure of himself. It looked incredibly familiar because it was what I used to do in the states. I would go to a bar with my friends, go somewhere to talk, and think about how weird it was to be there. The guy made me uncomfortable just by carrying himself as such...even though there was nothing else strange about the conversation.

I really want to meet someone who peaks my interest here. I've had a lot of luck with social circles as long as I keep a secure, witty, and open vibe. However, that abruptly stops when I let it go. What I'm trying to do now is make that my personality.

They say people don't really change. I don't think that's true entirely. Given a different atmosphere, nutrition, and behavioral pattern...your personality can shift to something far less abrasive to be around. I bet when I go back to the states that people will notice that the way I feel about myself has changed.

There's some advice that this psychology podcast has given me: get out of your head! I've taken to the idea that I should think of my feet when I'm talking to someone. Can I feel them? If I can't then I'm too worried about what I'm going to say. The mind leads the body. The body leads the mind. Not heidonism...but being in the moment is most important.

Cutting out bread wasn't entirely successful. I had a baguette the other day. I felt heavy afterwards.

My budget has slipped in the past few days because I can't download another trial of excel and I don't want to pay several hundred dollars for microsoft office. I'm thinking about switching to google but all my stuff is locked in. We'll see where that goes.

I wasn't expecting to get paid by the other places where I worked. It was nice to have an extra 150 euros in my account. My lessons are all going very well despite some of them being very far out.

From time to time I think about my journey here. I look at the scar on my left arm and think about those dreadful nights frantically feeding the upper class politicians, businessmen, and professionals. I remember the excruciating burn that I endured when I hastily grabbed a plate to rest on my arm... bringing it to a table...I wouldn't put down because I had no time. The hair is slowly growing back.

I remember smashing my hands in the cheese factory trying to slam the containers back together. I remember the soreness in my neck and back as I shelled thousands of coins for a company that conned dementia patients into spending their retirement funds. In the contrast of today...I'm saddened by the thought that people live the way they do.

I had a thought today when I was lifting: the rhetoric used by the conservative party in the USA right now employs apocalyptic stories of control, delusional ignorance, and a dreadfully uninhabitable world. At the same time the sponsors of the conservative media propagate the industries that keep us from realizing how to live independent of each other. Put me down in a country with water, seeds, and some animals and I know vaguely what to do to live. Bring my sisters along and between the three of us we're fine.

However, I consider the regular alternative to our strange family. People don't know how to make their own food. Many have never killed an animal. Almost none know how to sanitize and preserve things to keep healthy. When the oil runs out and we have no choice but to either drastically change our way of life or die due to lack of resource transportation then the people, who were just told that preserving an unsustainable multinational industry is the only way to assure that they're not enduring mind control, will be in for an awakening.

This is just something I see.

I have a cabinet full of gin, vermouth, and champagne. No cigarettes. Just a wonderfully large room above a theatre. I have oranges and teaching materials. 200 euros in my pocket and 700 in the bank. Next month I will have 1300 more. I am no longer scrubbing decomposed cheese product off filter membranes in the sewer system and I am not working as a busboy. Life is paradise right now.

I just can't say enough that everything is ending soon and we have to appreciate the beautifully complex chemical configuration that is "the now."

I've been thinking about the people of my past...some I miss dearly and want to reconnect with. Others...I'm glad they've washed out to sea.

Anyways...I'm going to eat, shower, knit, connect with some people, and hit this beautiful town for the evening. I'm going to Galicia tomorrow.

bad day

I had my first nontraumatic "bad day" today.

I woke up 15 minutes early and was tired as hell because of it.

I drank lemon tea instead of coffee because it was a warm caffeinating way to start the day.

I vomited.

I was tired throughout the day and hungry because it's the end of the month and I didn't buy anything yet.

I walked on eggshells back at my apt. because we have guests that I don't know how to talk to.

The colbert report and daily show weren't on so I spent an hour trying to get them from auxiliary sites...to no avail.

My fridge smells like that fancy foot cheese.

My headphones broke.

I went to a lesson a half hour early only to have them come 15 minutes late and not get through half a lesson.

I started for the gym but realized 10 minutes into the walk that I had the wrong shoes and had to turn around.

I ran to the gym and my neck spazzed up when I tried to bench so I just jogged a bit home after doing some biking and triceps stuff.

The hot flirty girl wasn't in the weight room and I didn't get to the ab machine.

Intercambio sucked. Ian's friend stayed in, the hot librarian said "hi" to me but I never got a chance to approach her from the front at her table and talk like last week.

Instead, I talked to a bunch of sarcastic hipster Peruvians who were all awkward as shit.

The metro machine ate my 50 and gave me 19.50 in change.

So...yeah. Pretty tough.

On the positive side: I have my abono, I got a call from the "tutorasap" people and they're increasing my rate for lessons, I turned in my hours for Sotomayor, I had great lessons with Loli, Angel, and Mirim today, I had some delicious wafers, and I got a run in without my knees killing me.

You take the good with the bad. I have 530 in the bank with 500 to come soon. I'm excited about these lessons and I'm excited for a reasonable march.

I'm really glad to be on a budget. I kept thinking today: Don't spend more than 5 euros here...unless you're having a blast. I wasn't...so I didn't...and this way I will have more opportunities to have fun.

It wasn't a bad day...it's just setting me up for a better day.