It's beyond the point where a stream of consciousness would be helpful catharsis. It's just a state of confusion and strangeness. There's a feeling that I just want to get on a bus and go. Go somewhere that is different. Like I should fly somewhere to put in perspective everything I have.
Drop the world is playing right now. It's so unlike me.
I'm scratching for something different. I called Nora. No answer. I tried to go out but no one is receptive. My roommate is in his room. There's a cloud aura. The house is cold.
I feel like this song is jeering at me. Against me.
Changing the music.
Dresden dolls. That's how I feel. Ok, now it's time to analyze. That's what makes me feel better when I'm forced into a corner.
The frustration came when I started talking to a friend who is doing something that society says is much greater than what I'm doing. For days, weeks, months I've been struggling against my career choice. Science? I could have been a star in English. I could have been a monster on the bassoon.
Envy is ignorance.
How much do I enjoy what I'm doing? Will this upcoming year really make me feel better?
I have shot my opportunity of working in a "world class office" for a while. My shield is my shell? My shell is my shield? Which way does it go!???!!
I always told myself that I could taper my thoughts and my actions. Like my work would not impact my happiness. Should they be separate?
I haven't volunteered in 2 years. 2 years since I did something solely for my soul. I feel like I'm becoming SELF ABSORBED!!!
It's taken me so long to realize that this is my little sickness. This disconnected analysis removes me from what makes me/made me truly happy. Canton Calvary Mission, recycling center, patient transport, or just...helping someone do something!
Tutoring involves a certain element of altruism. I don't get paid nearly enough for the work that I do and the work that I do is advancing someone else's capacity to fulfill their self interest. I need some good old fashioned damn protesting.
No self righteousness can come out of this shit. Just get out of my uncomfortable little comfort zone and be human.
I need to do this tomorrow. I have $5 in my wallet. I know that there's a dinner at the UCM that I could volunteer at.
It's like attending church, filling this application for americorps, this amygdala research paper, talking to the madly selfish scientists around me at OU, the contact with fellow environmentalists, and these continual nights of introspection made me realize what a piece of shit I have become this past year.
I feel like the cloud is breaking. Less thought...more action. I will try for UCM next week when I'm not in Paschold's class.
Hopeful schedule: 8 am-12pm homework and music. Relaxation with good food.
12-1pm contact Dr. Backus, Dr. Marks, and the career center. Call AEP to clear up the issue of this bill. 1-3 rocking the English class. 3-6pm tutoring. 6 pm dinner and chemistry lab report. 9-10pm tutoring some more.
Self absorption is depraving my strength. All I can do is meditate on my problems or current emotional state.
Looking at service opportunities right now. This Saturday I want to clean things for passion works.
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