Twinge

It's vd. A perfect excuse to make something mean more than it does. I'm laying this on the table though.

It has been a couple weeks before I have gotten a girl to come home with me. It's not something that I just let go either. Thunder hears the majority of the bitching. He fired back about it last night.

Whenever I find some girl that is interested I find some reason to push her the hell away. I've yelled at Sean for holding expectations that no girl can fill and being upset with their incompletion. A few of the girls that I tutor are into me. Instead of taking the situation for what it is I usually pawn them off on another fraternity guy.

So this weekend I've decided to just let down the guard and quit putting up that front of arrogance.

My time with people has made me realize the way I interact. It's shitty. I know how to fix it though. I'm going out with someone tonight, asking someone out tomorrow, going out with 2 people Wednesday, and hopefully seeing one of them a second time Thursday night. I have the house to myself this weekend. So there's no excuse.

I find myself looking at pics of my ex's bf (not Alison, the other one) and getting mad.

May 7th. I put myself in the system to take the MCAT. I'm going to stick to the regimen of 2-4 chapters a day until I have finished the book then take 2 practice tests every week. If I get a section wrong I am going to rewrite the terms for that chapter.

I have heard crushing things about this exam. Suicides, severe depression, and lesser lifechanging things stem from how big it impacts people. I can only afford one shot at it.

So many regrets! I'm still ready for this though. Every day I talk about chemistry, biology, and physics. Ochem is my weak spot.

Talked to Jess last night. She's accompanying me with the fraternity to Gatlinberg TN.

Everyone has that one person who they think about during times where people are congregating under the feelings of love. There's that subtle "what if?" mentality that itches and your mind rolls over it to scratch a while and moves on.

I should develop a set of rules for myself. No matter what I will follow.

I can't think of much...but here it is:

1. Don't missionary date

This means that I can't date someone to try and change them. This inevitably ends in regret for both parties and a mutual distaste for the other person.

2. Don't compromise your ideals

I don't have many principles that guide my life...but the one's I have are incredibly strict. If someone guides me toward a life of intellectual atrophy and depression I will not date them. I need to broaden myself when it comes to this though. I tend to shy away at people who aren't that bad because I think they're inferior. This is a dick-move and I'm done with it.

3. Allow appearance and attractiveness to influence (not dictate) your choice

At first I look at some girls and think that they're deep or have something incredible to offer. Then they turn out to be a waste of my energy and nothing enjoyable. Likewise I've had the most incredible times with girls that aren't what I would usually be attracted to.

4. Know when to walk away

I've seen too many people who just sit in a romantic interaction that used to have its appeal but since then it has crumbled to a dateless, sexless, unemotional, or just comfortable relationship. This is the equivalent of necrosis. Convenience doesn't mean that you should be together. This is the thing that I have gotten good at.

5. Always step up and contrast

When I'm in a relationship with someone I like to gravitate toward their interests. However, if you get too close to each other you tend to mesh hobbies too much and then you're the same person. In theory this sounds fantastic but it leaves you with nothing to talk about. Nothing is worse than a relationship where you have to start a fight to hear the other person's unique and personal opinion. Relationships stagnate when one or both parties don't consistently fight for the other's attention with their own personal strength. Together you can do anything.

Also, I'd hate a girl who was exactly like me.

I can't think of any other thing to remind myself besides sex. For the past 4 years I have been more of a giver of oral and erotic massage. I love it this way because you feel like you've accomplished something that requires a bit of commitment and tenacity. The past couple girls who I've done well with this have been more willing to overlook or even grow to admire my quirky and sometimes insane ideas.

It's incredible how I can relisten to ltwylp2 and not get upset about it. Take me back a month and I'd have a gut wrenching anger regarding a relationship.

It's fucking happening...the moment. Ride it! Ride it! The past will curl under you in a swirling surreal mist. Soon the the wave of the present will come crashing down and you will soon sleep with the past.